Shattered

Pistol on my side, you don’t wanna hear that thing talk.

Mon, 02 Nov 2009 10:22:53 GMT

Quick post, uhh, I recall actually going to the theater with Tianna & Dani to see “Saw 6″(Dani really wanted to see it.) I didn’t mind, I like seeing how people die in those flicks. I personally didn’t think the movie was that bad, even though they’re dragging shit on and on. Is it wrong of me to want girls who are newbie to girls, but also claim to be curious about girls, and approve of one another, to want them to live and experience? That’s rhetorical, cuz I didn’t think so!

Another years gone by.

Saw Kelly randomly at Hot Topic–I ended up accompanying Tianna to go to Hot Topic because her lip ring was bothering her and she wanted to get a different one. I totally forgot that little Kelly worked there, and whilst in this filthy fucking human meat jam packed store(for Halloween I presume) someone pushes me from behind and almost gets a blade to their throat, which turned out to be Kelly. God damn Kelly, did you shrink or something, were you always that short? Haha, even Tianna told her so. She greeted and hugged, where I reciprocated with a Tom hug with my hand around her throat for the jump scare, before I let her go to do the same to Tianna. She had to stay busy and do that work thing. We waited around for a bit for some help, then caught some black dude hitting on Kelly whilst using her job to do so, hilarious. I didn’t know if I should have gone over there and saved her or just watch her in action and let her deal with it and suffer, haha. It didn’t last long enough anyway, until she came near us and made THAT face, yeah, haha. I saw the same black dude trying to hollar at this other hottie in the shop by using the job as the starter as well, funny shit, who does that? Short small talk, then left.

I didn’t do anything for Halloween except play Grand Theft Auto: The Ballad of Gay Tony.

However, I had a tattoo appointment the next day, Sunday, sat for about 3 hours, got through all of it pretty quickly actually. Finished all of the line work, started shading the center face before calling it a day. Face needs a little bit more shading + colors. Wings need to be shaded and colored as well;

Doug is the best.

I travel through time on a set of wings, spaceship named epoch after time. Big beats dig beats from 2k5 from compromised on my hard drive. Get a new home to in-breathe new life like I brought life to the 8 bit canon, time to cron the Crono songs back in the matrix, outta stasis. Tell a story, allegory, symbols to a bass drum and a cymbal. Oh so simple, the cycle cycles, words of the spam disciple. “Where did I come from?” Question asked. I’m on a quest to kill the pain locked in my past. Scars, abuse, and insults rubbed salt in the wound of a nerdy goon. Now I spread seeds of hope, spread seeds of change for the future mang. Spread ‘em to Doan, then off to the Proto Dome–a healthy man indeed. When I was a kid, myself intrigued by the lifestyle free-styled well in greed. A seed was all I’d need to get up on that spaceship, go warp speed. Planted, rooted, I’m space-suited, suited for anything, born recruited. And I tell you, listen close to the words I speak and rap the most. I stay timeless and struggle with time less, time does time, and I do mine. With this machine, I never age, a date with eternity, years in days. Years I played, on earth I stayed, bound by the sounds of the ones I hate, ones engraved in my minds eye; told me I’m different and geeky, right? Now I done flipped it and I space-shipped it. I jet biked it and found that I liked it. Take my seeds and plant them, fight it, show that nerd life off, never hide it.

-YTCracker/The Day The World Revived (Chrono Trigger/Yasunori Mitsuda)

Originally published at systom.org. You can comment here or there.

Man, life can be so empty

Mon, 22 Jun 2009 21:20:45 GMT

I haven't been on top of my grind lately, and by grind, I mean money making. Due to a bunch of circumstances happening with the program and my plain old of not being informed despite my efforts of making contact including other little mixed tidbits, for the most part, turned me off of the program. So I've been on a downer about that and haven't made any other moves, really. I mean, I'm still in the business, but I've just been on a break I suppose until I get my shit together, and this shit together to find out somethings. Besides that, that's just that. I still like to look at what normal jobs got to offer via whatever I'm emailed from your typical job based websites--and boy is it trash on the daily, it's disgusting. Although whenever I'm out, I find most jobs to be plain old disgusting--I really don't think that sorta 9-5ing is the life for me, like, let's skip the bullshit and just cut to my death scene already, that's how bad it is. Don't get me wrong, I'll gladly 9-5 on my own terms, hell, I'll fuckin' 9AM-3AM on my own shit. But, we'll see where and how this goes with the on coming months, thankfully I've had a nice amount saved up for months in advanced with bills and etc.

I feel so extraordinary, somethin's got a hold on me. I get this feeling I'm in motion, a sudden sense of liberty. I don't care cuz I'm not there, and I don't care if I'm here tomorrow. Again and again, I've taken too much of the things that cost you too much.
I used to think that the day would never come, I'd see delight in the shade of the morning sun. My morning sun is the drug that brings me near to the childhood I lost, replaced by fear. I used to think that the day would never come, that my life would depend on the morning sun.
When I was a very small boy, very small boys talked to me. Now that we've grown up together, they're afraid of what they see. That's the price that we all pay, our valued destiny comes to nothin'. I can't tell you where we're going, I guess there's just no way of knowing.
I feel so extraordinary, somethin's got a hold on me. I get this feeling I'm in motion, a sudden sense of liberty. The chances are we've gone too far, you took my time and you took my money Now I fear you've left me standing in a world that's so demanding.
-New Order/True Faith

Tianna finally traded her old Honda in for a newer Honda. Got a pretty good deal on it, but she's always settling. So we went half on half on it to give it a little flare by replacing the front and rear lights which makes it a bit more unique looking. This part will lead into another whole family spew of drama since this is exactly when it happened. Beforehand, I asked my dad if he wanted to install the lights and I'd do it with 'em and he said it'd be no problem, so we picked a date and that was that. I had long since prior knowledge that my mom wanted to move out and away from my dad for good, just didn't know when it was going to happen exactly--until that time was nearing, I was told a couple of weeks after that...I felt compelled to say somethin' to my dad cuz it's kinda fucked up. My mom's mentality was that she felt in fear for her life because of the shit my dad has been saying...crazy stuff, so she thought it was better to not tell him anything at all and just bounce on a certain day. I don't agree with that at all on any terms, it's fucked up. Despite all of that garbage, it ain't my fuckin' business, so whatever, I was just gonna ride it out. So the day comes when we were gonna do the lights and my sister calls me and tells me that my mom was doing the move TODAY, on that day. Needless to say, I was pissed, cuz I didn't wanna deal with any of the drama, I've seen it too much my whole life, it's all bullshit. So here I am once again contemplating on just telling my dad cuz the dude has his suspicions, but he's fuckin' clueless. I drive out to their place and my mom and her brothers are already moving her shit, and I'm like; "Fuck." so I sit out in the car for a while to see what's going on. I walk in and show my uncles some love and give my mom a glare of acknowledgment that I'm there. I figure the best thing I could do is just stick around my dad to make sure he doesn't flip out and kill somebody, so that's what I did in the kitchen, just hardly talk to him while he starts spilling out all sorts of crazy talk on me, some of which I agreed with, other shit just like, wow, get over it. But I guess that's what years of an off and on marriage will do to ya. My dad called the cops cuz he wanted a police report on file in case anything of his was missing, pretty childish of him in my opinion, I know my mom wouldn't touch any of his shit--he was just griping about family photos and what not. So one cop shows up finally to talk to my dad, this is when my mom comes into the kitchen to apologize to me cuz she didn't know I was going to be there that day--my dad did the same as well since he had no idea. 'Course since it's Waianae, with the high potential of shit breaking out, they don't just send one cop, so we got like 6 cop cars and a bunch of uniforms walking around the place/house and checking on everyone and talking to everyone--fuckin' pigs, I hate 'em. I asked my dad numerous times if he still wanted to work on the lights that day or at all because of all the bullshit, but he still insisted that we would do 'em, said it would help keep his mind off shit. So my mom's and uncles came and went a couple of times moving a bunch of shit while we worked on replacing the head/tail lamps on Tianna's new ride. We ran into some minor problems, but it wasn't nothin' we couldn't figure out and fix. Got done with everything after some hours, bought my dad some lunch and gave him some extra cash to try to help him with his now current dilemma although he was reluctant, but tough shit with no job, being bailed on by my mom and my mom's mom/her husband whom was also living with them who also bailed the day before to a new place WITH my mom/uncle and etc. So that was that, dunno what my dad plans to do, really, sucks.

As I fall deeper into a manic state, I'm a prime candidate for the gene to receive the drug addict trait. Blood pressure climbs at a dramatic rate, I seem to gravitate to the bottle of Nyquil, then I salivate. Start off with the NyQuil, like I think I'll just have a taste. Couple of sips of that, then I gradually graduate to a harder prescription drug called Valium, like yeah, that's great. I go to just take one and I end up like having eight, now I need something in my stomach cuz I haven't ate, maybe I'll grab a plate of nachos and I'll have a steak. And you'd think that with all I have at stake, look at my daughters face; "Mommy, something is wrong with dad I think, he's acting weird again, he's really beginning to scare me. Won't shave his beard again and he pretends he doesn't hear me, and all he does is eat Doritos and Cheetos and he just fell asleep in his car eating three musketeers in the rear seat."
Sometimes I feel so alone, I just don't know, feels like I been down this road before. So lonely and cold, it's like somethin' takes over me as soon as I go home and close the door. Kinda feels like deja vu, I wanna get away from this place, I do, but I can't and I won't say I try, but I know that's a lie cuz I don't, and why? I just don't know.
Maybe just a nice cold brew, what's a beer? That's the devil in my ear, I been sober a fuckin' year and that fucker still talks to me, he's all I can fuckin' hear; "Marshall, come on, we'll watch the game, it's the cowboys and buccaneers." And maybe if I just drink half, I'll be half buzzed for half of the time, who's the mastermind behind that little line? With that kinda rational, man, I got half a mind to have another half of glass of wine, sounds asinine, yeah I know. But I never had no problem with alcohol--ouch, look out for the wall, aim for the couch, about to fall, I missed the couch and down I go lookin' like a bouncing ball. Shit must've knocked me out cuz I ain't feel the ground at all. Wow, what the fuck happened last night, where am I? Man, fuck am I hungover, and goddamn I got a headache. Shit, half a Vicodin, why cant I? "All systems ready for take off, please stand by."
So I take a Vicodin splash, it hits my stomach and AHH, a couple of weeks go by, it ain't even like I'm gettin' high. Now I need it just not to feel sick, yeah, I'm gettin' by. Wouldn't even be taking this shit if DeShaun didn't die--oh yeah, there's an excuse, you lose Proof, so you use, there's new rules, it's cool if it's helping you to get through. It's twelve noon, ain't no harm in self inducing a snooze, what else is new, fuck it, what would Elvis do in your shoes? Now here I am 3 months later, full blown relapse; "Just get high until the kids get home from school holmes, relax." And since I'm convinced that I'm an insomniac, I need these pills to be able to sleep, so I take 3 naps just to be able to function throughout the day, let's see, that's an Ambien each nap, how many valium, 3? And that will average out to about one good hour's sleep, OK, so now you see the reason how come he has taken 4 years to just put out an album B. See, me and you, we almost had the same outcome, Heath. Cuz that Christmas, you know the whole pneumonia thing? It was bologna, was it the methadone ya think or the Hydrocodone you hide inside your porno's, your VCR tape cases with your Ambien, see are great places to hide 'em, ain't it? So you can lie to Hailey; "I'm goin' beddy-bye Whitney baby, goodnight Elaina!" Go in the room and shut the bedroom door and wake up in an ambulance, they said they found me on the bathroom floor, damn.

-Eminem/Deja Vu

My mom threw a little house food eating gathering type of thing of which we attended cuz lord knows I love my mama's cookin', and so does Tianna. So we did that, my uncles were there of course, so was my twin sister and her family and etc. I recall kids bombarding me like a pack of ants. The new place they moved to is pretty ghetto, got crackheads right next door always bickering about stupid shit, buncha folk chillin' out on the street and shit, ahh, home sweet home.

I recall another BBQ like gathering like this before all of this for Vincent's birthday, or what he calls his one year of being dead (haha) since his incident when some faggots beat him into a coma and nearly killed his ass. I had no idea he lost his sense of smell completely until we were checking out the ham, and I was like; damn that shit smells good and he said to shut up cuz he couldn't smell, what the fuck? So I told 'em, from what you can see, take my word for it, it smells fuckin' delicious. Good food, good times.

I recall going to the beach on the north side towards the end of the island with Tianna, a beach I wrote about in a previous entry. It's pretty nice out there with the planes flying over head and shit, super windy and cold though, oh well. I also recall making an attempt to hike up the mountain purely for the exercise of it, which we didn't even get all the way to the top, kinda burnt out about 80% of the way. I recall going to the theater and actually paying to see movies, it's amazing, I didn't think paying for movies still existed, haha. Star Trek was fucking badass, no doubt. Terminator was pretty good in my opinion, but I'm a fan of it and Christian Bale, so probably bias. Here's my middle finger shadow puppet before the flick started since stoned and bored;

Now the funeral is over and all the tears are dried up, niggas hangin' deep on the cut gettin' fired up. Lookin' for the nigga who pulled his pistol on my homie, an eye for an eye, so now your life is what you owe me. Look deep into the eyes of your mothafuckin' killer, I want you to witness your mothafuckin murder, nigga. And since you wants to kill, then your ass has got to fry, but ain't no police, therefore, your ass has gots to die. We play the game for keeps and if you slept, I guess you sleep, you sho'nuff fucked and now your ass is six feet deep. Cuz where I come from, yo, everybody's got a gat and niggas try your ass just to see where you got your heart at. And if your shit is flimsy, then your ass is gonna bend, and like I said before, there'll be no tears in the end. I'm rollin' through your hood, now my heart is filled with anger, you at your sister's house and now your sister's life in danger by a total stranger with the gang, niggas wanna bang ya and hang ya, sting ya with one up in the chamber. Let's take a trip up Holloway, so you can see how many niggas in my hood is down to die today. We standin' up for our own shit and if you outside the click, then you die bitch. It ain't no love in this mothafucka, it ain't no love for yourself or your other brother, because we real with this shit, so we stay true, and since we bang, we do what O.G's say do. I've got the mind of the man in the mirror, so I'm lookin' at me vaguely, but I can't seem to fade me. I've got my pistol pointed cocked, ready to lay shots non-stop until I see your monkey ass drop, and let your homies know who done it, cuz when it comes to this gangsta shit, you mothafuckas know who run it. So when you put this mothafucka to the test, you gotta realize somethin', nigga; You fuckin' with the very best. I've got this killer up inside of me, I can't talk to my mother, so I talk to my diary. I'm going off on the deep end, I find myself face to face with myself while I'm sleepin'. I see your picture in my head and my hand shake, you can run, you can hide, but there's no escape. My inner feelings show no mercy on my enemy, I got to get this mothafucka before he gets to me. So in your own blood, you'll bathe, and I won't stop until I put this mothafucka in his fuckin' grave. And I can say this once again, you can cry, but you'll still die, there'll be no tears in the end.
-Scarface/No Tears

Some weeks ago, Wil randomly IMed me and asked if I wanted to take in his 50 inch rear projection Sony Grand Wega TV cuz he was going to get a newer one. Was I supposed to say no or something? Haha, made plans to pick it up the next day. The TV had image burning, meaning images would stay on screen faded lightly for a bit depending on menu you to menu, it also had a green yellowish shading over the whole screen. While doing some research while showing the TV to my dad, I found out that the TV was under some sorta class action lawsuit that had already been won for the same exact symptoms. Sony was liable to replace and or repair all of those particular model TV's, and I just lucked out cuz that was the last month to do it. I got in contact with the local certified repair guys down here and had it done pretty quickly. I still hadn't decided what I was going to do with this monstrosity of a TV. Didn't have anywhere to put it, and I could use the money, so I thought I'd try putting it up for sale on Craigslist. Not much luck there though, so I ended up selling it to my moms/that whole family whom lives there for a cheap price, and later delivered it on over to them.
Also, one random day while talking to Wil, we made plans to drive all the fucking way out to Waianae from down town Ala Moana (An hour+ drive for non Hawaii folk) just to eat at a local place in the old hood since Wil hasn't eaten there in fuckin' years. It was pretty orgasmic for 'em, he was like; Man oh man, this is what I've been missing, not a fucking thing has changed, you can't get food like this anywhere else." Shit was straight hilarious. Good times though, just chit chatting and eating.

Finally had another inked day on top of that. Basically, some months ago I had made a plan to get my tattoo artist and friend, Doug, his very own website since he didn't have one and didn't know how to go about it at all, and from what I found out, something he hadn't had planned to do until like 2010 sometime. I was gonna have someone else work on it, friend Angela, which she was doing so but lost everything due to an HD failure, in which I took it into my own hands. But, a lot of time had still passed from setting up a basic template of what Doug wanted, so I kinda forgot a lot of the shit I did and a lot of the code and etc which I had to re-learn once we finally made plans to get shit poppin'. So some days ago, Doug came over to my place with his portfolio and marked off all of the images that he wanted to use for his site, from gallery to everything else, and we went over how he wanted shit to be and what I could do or try to do and etc. After that, for about 12 hours straight, I worked on it. Little errors popping up here and there and fixing shit and etc. I've never made a full website before, so this was my first. After another 6 hours of working out all the kinks with the pictures and gallery and what not, I had most of it down and the way Doug loved it. It's pretty basic and simple, but hey, that's the point. Thanks to Tianna for helping me do some of the physical work, Angela for helping me fix up some of the code, and Amy for hosting my shit.

http://www.dougtat2.com

So because of that, Doug wanted to give me an inking session, the one he was pondering on doing, my knuckle tats, since I was originally remembered and known to him as knuckles tom, welp, it was finally gonna happen. It was pretty sudden, too. Tianna was also setting something up to get her a kanji piece done, and Doug returned a couple of days later to pick up his portfolio and was like; You and Tianna, just come in on this day at this time and I'll take care of you both, no problem. So pretty dope shit, got ink in trade of some work. The day came yesterday, Sunday, some weird shit happened. I hadn't eaten much at all that day much less drink much, or slept well, and it was fucking hot out. Tianna went under the needle first and handled it no problem. When it was my turn, I sat in the seat and he started doing line work on the L on my finger, he was just about done when I was feeling super nauseated like I was about to throw up. I was trying to control it, but then my vision started fading black, my breathing hardened, I couldn't control it, I told Doug; Yo man, can you stop for a second dude. I thought I was going to vomit, instead, I fucking blacked out. Yeah, my vision just went black as far as I can remember, just black, like I instantly fell into a dream state. I came to seconds to minutes later with Tianna and Doug trying to wake me up, and putting candy in my mouth and giving me water to drink. Tianna got pretty freaked out cuz she had no idea what was happening and it caught her off guard--she thought I was having a seizure because my eye's rolled back and I was twitching and my body was shaking and shit, I don't recall any of this of course. Doug was pretty calm because he said this type of shit happens to some people when your body is trying to deal with the pain and the adrenaline rush, like a type of shock and of course my not eating or drinking much and the whole sleep thing probably played a nice role in it. It was a pretty freaky experience for me since I've never had such a thing happen before. I felt super fucking exhausted and dizzy after that and just laid down in one of the chairs and rested for a bit. I was sweating like a motherfucker on top of that. So we just chit chatted, Tianna, Doug, and the other dude who works there, Chad and I. After about 20 minutes of resting and stretching out and shit, I told 'em to continue man, let's get this show on the road. Funny thing is, is it wasn't even the pain for me--the pain I can take, it stung like fuck on certain parts, but I can take it. Anyway, we had planned to do the line work on one hand and see if I wanted to continue, in which we ended up finishing the whole thing. Finger tats require touch up's, so I may be back in to do that in a few weeks. Went to sleep early last night, woke up a few hours later in the dark AM, been up since.
Tianna's Ink:

My Ink:

I lost a lot of my contacts/phone numbers from my phone. If you think I should have your number for whatever reasons, then get at me privately on here or anywhere else. I was installing windows mobile media 6.1 to back up and sync my contacts with outlook, instead, it thought it was a good idea to erase everything. I did some research on this, and I'm not the only one--why would they add in such an option without a single fucking warning? Shit like that requires at least 2 major on screen warnings, but with this garbage, not one fucking warning, retards. So because of that, I thought it was time to give my phone a test and go upgrade to windows mobile 6.5, and a tweaked and hacked out rom firmware for my phone. Everything went pretty smoothly, it's dope shit, here's a GIF I made with my custom menu's and icons that I'm proud of, but I've since added another menu and made newer better icons for some of the tabs, but here's the previous anyway;

Yo, follow me, come with me to the dark side of the force. No man would boldly go to this place, the devil only knows of this world. So dark and oh so cold, it's oh so cold, oh so cold, oh.

Soon as my flow starts, I compose art like the ghost of Mozart. Even though they all say that they're real, I know that most aren't. Boy, you think you're clever, don't ya, girl, ya think you're so smart. Come with me to another side in a world so cold and so dark.

Stay wide awake, a world so cold, a world where only some will go, but none return, stay wide awake, when will they learn where do they go? God only knows, stay wide awake.

Fe fi fo fum, I think I smell the scent of a placenta, I enter central park, it's dark, it's winter in December. I see my target, put my car in park and approach a tender young girl by the name of Brenda, and I pretend to befriend her. Sit down beside her like a spider;
"Hi there girl, you might've heard of me before, see whore, you're the kind of girl that I'd assault and rape, and figure why not try to make your pussy wider? Fuck you with an umbrella, then open it up while the shit's inside ya. I'm the kind of guy that's mild, but I might flip and get a little bit wilder--impregnate a lesbian, yeah, now let's see ya have triplets and I'll disintegrate them babies as soon as they out her with formaldehyde in cyanide. Girl, you can try and hide, you can try to scream louder. No need for no gun powder, that only takes the fun outta murderin', I'd rather go VIN-VIN and now you see just how the fuck I do just what I do when I cut right through your scalp--Uhh, shit, wait a minute, I mean skull, my knife seems dull, pull another one out, uhh."

So dark and so cold, my friends don't know this other side of me, there's a monster inside of me, it's quite ugly, and it frightens me. But they can't see what I can see, there's a vacancy in my tummy, it's making me play hide-n-seek, like Jason, I'm so hungry. She's naked, see, no privacy, but I can see she wants me. So patiently, I try to be, but jee, why does she taunt me? Pull's the drapes, and she goes right to sleep and I creep right through the front, see, so blatantly, but silently, cuz I know that she's sound asleep. "Who's waking me so violently and why's he on top of me? He's raping me." She tries to scream; "Somebody, please get him off me. He's taping me, he's biting me, he's laughing like it's funny."
"She's scraping me, she's fighting me, she's scratching like some dumb freak." Escaping me, no dice, you see, I might just be Ted Bundy or Satan, jee, what a sight to see, I'm dancing in my red panties. I'm crazy, but it's alright with me, man, life can be so empty. Stay away from me cuz I'm dancing to quite a different drum beat.

But I tried to stay wide awake cuz you might end up found dead by the lake. Soon as you lay me down to sleep, bitch, your soul, I'ma try to take, pray for light today right away, why do they try to fight today? I must make them pay twice as much, might as well put the knife away. Now I use power tools, how 'bout now, are you in the shower? Scour you for 6 hours till outage of power outlets. How did ya figure out I was down in your basement, now ya must've just heard the sound of my stomach growlin' from down there. Prolly there's no one fouler, bound here, that's how they found ya, face down in the tub, I drown ya with piles of ya down around ya. Such nostalgia and power, such prowess, look how you cower, jump out on you now like I was a Jawa from fuckin' Star Wars. Jabba The Hut, be de ba ba be de ba ba, it's time to da-da, oughta not even bother to scream, it don't even matter. Amazing when raising skin with these razor blades he waves at ya, not ya everyday Damien, bathe me in holy water. Nothing like Son Of Sam, so please understand, there's no gun in hand--where's the thrill in the hunt? There's no fun in that, here I come with axe, once I act like lumberjack when I'm hackin' 'em up with that--what was that? Dial 911, someone's comin' in from the back.

-Eminem/Stay Wide Awake

Instead of a war on poverty, they got a war on drugs so the police can bother me

Tue, 05 May 2009 02:04:24 GMT

The space journey continues, captain's log on the tomager.

First off, I got my chest piece done entirely, and for free at that, that fuckin' Doug, I love that guy. Tianna and I went to visit 'em one day for no fuckin' raisin except that it's been a while. When we walked into the shop, it must have been fate, cuz Doug was on the table getting his side inked up. I always said I'd catch him one day while he's getting inked so he can know what it's like, and make fun of him and etc, haha. So that was grand, and during our time of talking, along with the other dude there, Simon, who's pretty chill, and another dude I just met there as well--Doug told me to go to his schedule book and pick a day and time, I was really hesitant cuz I know what he was suggesting but there was no turning 'em down, so we got that settled for a day that week and took care of business. It's been so long for me, I forgot that feeling, I was nervous, I missed that feeling. Sure enough, it hurt like a bitch, motherfuckin' chest;

Some other good news, I was asking Doug about my fingers/knuckle tats again, and he told me, if I can get a steady job, or show some kinda proof that I'm getting money, he'd CONSIDER, MAYBE, POSSIBLE, do my knuckles, haha, I told 'em it's a fucking deal and that I'd print out a paypal page or my stats from what I'm doing nowadays.
I also made an offer to make Doug his very own website, of which I was having some friends, Amy & Angela help with. Angela was the main one who was making like a template to work with, but then her HD got fried and that went out the window. Sooooooo, now I'm trying to use my less than skills to do it myself. BUT, instead of a template, I'm gonna go meet up with Doug sometime this week to discuss some idea's that I got so we can try to see what we can do, or what I can do rather, and I'll bust my ass on it too even though I'm not very familiar with web designing--which is why I wanted Angela to do it since she's a lot more skilled than I am in that department. It's just my way of appreciating who is, the work he does, and the shit he's done for me, doing it all for free. Meeting 'em this week to discuss shit.

Now to business. I continue to strive to quit the slave wage days and I've been continuing to make internet money. I'd say I'm doing pretty decent at it as it's getting me by, so I am making money from the internet now, just like a real job. I just gotta keep it up, keep pushing shit, keep the hours going, and best of all, keep trying new idea's, trying new things. It's kinda tough when you're the only one doing it for yourself--I wish some of my friends had the same mentality that I did, cuz I know with our brain powers combined, we could probably have a better chance at tackling better and bigger idea's. But, unfortunately, this is just the way it's gonna be. I wish some people, others, would be more trusting in me, to see that I'd be willing to do some real work to get shit done with some real help in return, rather than no responses or bullshit answers of motivation that mean nothin' next to the truth; what lies in the method. I won't disclose what I do exactly, some of you may know, others may not--but I'll say this, if you know me and I know you and you got a lot of free time sitting around on the net and feel like making some extra cash, hit me up and I'll explain the details and you can accept or decline, no big deal either way. It's not that easy for starters, but once you got it down--who the fuck would want a real job? Yah.
I recall hanging out with Chadd a couple of days to give him a 101 on what I'm doing exactly so he could do it himself whenever he has the time.

While on the money roll, a pal, Pad/Kevin randomly gave me 200.00 for no raisin cuz he felt like making it rain on some of us in a stickam chatroom. I thought the dude was kidding, but since drunk and ballin', it's like no thang to 'em--but it was highly appreciated since not too many have ever done anything nice for me in my life without some kinda expectation or bullshit.
So this mixed with my other pal, Wil, whom gave me a broken PS3 like a couple of days before that, was combined. The PS3 has a broken blu-ray drive, so I ordered a new drive for about 160.00 which should be here sometime this week--kinda stoked to crack open the PS3 to see what it's insides look like, better yet, get it running again. If all goes well, gonna cop Killzone 2 and Metal Gear Solid 4.

PSN Gamer Tag: Systom

Speaking of Wil, I went to his place on some day after dropping Tianna off at the college. We just hung out and chatted about what was up in each others life nowadays, the past some, the good old shit, I miss that guy. We gamed it up a few games on Street Fighter IV as well, good shit.

While on games, my uncle Jason had given me a broken PSP to check out to see if I could repair it. This was a while back, a long with a busted Xbox 360 which wasn't under warranty anymore. If there's ever anything that I can't fix myself, I end up just giving it to my dad--he's way better than I am with electronics and his potential to fix broken shit like it ain't no thang. I gave him the Xbox 360 but he had no luck with that, probably a lot more serious problem than expected. For the PSP, as far as I knew and could see, the screen was shattered. I ordered a new screen for 30.00 and replaced it, and got it running again. To my demise, the fuckin' UMD drive was also busted and wasn't reading UMD's. This wouldn't have been too bad of a problem considering I can hack the PSP to play pirated games from the memory stick, BUT, the CIRCLE button is also not working, so that's the biggest problem. Gonna give that to my dad as well and see if he can fix it--so basically if my dad can fix it, he can keep it.

Please, could you stop the noise, I'm trying to get some rest from all thee unborn chicken voices in my head.
What's this? I may be paranoid, but not an android. What's this? I may be paranoid, but not an android.
When I am king, you will be first against the wall with your opinion which is of no consequence at all.
Ambition makes you look pretty ugly, kicking, squealing, gucci little piggy.
You don't remember, you don't remember, why don't you remember my name?
Off with his head, man, off with his head, man, why don't you remember my name, I guess he does.
Rain down, rain down, come on rain down on me from a great height, from a great height, height.
That's it sir, you're leaving the crackle of pigskin, the dust and the screaming.
The yuppies networking, the panic, the vomit, the panic, the vomit.
God loves his children, God loves his children, yeah.
-Radiohead/Paranoid Android

Up next, Ecstasy trip. I managed to score some E from Kelly since she's into the whole rave scene and what not--took a while with delays, but it eventually got to me, Blue Dolphins and Orange Glocks. Who makes up these names? Haha. I gave the glocks to Chadd, enjoy, and Tianna and I dropped the dolphins. I didn't eat anything all day, and we went to get some shit from curryhouse, on the drive back, we popped 'em. Got home and ate a lot, E takes about an hour before it kicks in. Once that time came, it hit me hard, I started just trippin' balls and getting all hot and nervous and shit. I felt super nauseated it too, it sucked. I recall just tripping out and watching an episode of Planet Earth in 720P on my TV, and watching some disgusting shrimp creature swim through the water, the big crystal clear image, like I was having water creature sickness, I fuckin' turned away from it and pulled myself over the trashcan like I was about to yak. After controlling myself and going to the bathroom multiple times to clear myself out, and even sitting in the shower which definitely made me feel better, I eased out some. So my trip started out shitty, but after that, we went on a long walk at night, it was super adventurous and cold. We walked by a group of people whom tried to invite us to hang out or smoke with them, but I kept walking by and told 'em sorry, I was on a fucking mission and trippin' on X, so I had to keep moving--they all cracked up and was saying to be sure to drink water and shit we were doing. Could've made some friends, but was trippin' too much, had to keep moving.
Tianna turns into a complete whore when she's on E, completely. So we got to fuckin' and just doing the nasty pretty much like before, I mean you do things you'd not normally do, ya know, and it's just whatever. I mean I was eating her asshole out and everything, that's right, she even went for a finger in my ass while blowing me--talk about anything goes.
Course we both started coming down, and got high, and got more and more down with Planet Earth episodes into passing out. Next day wasn't too bad, didn't have that downer feeling like before surprisingly, just beat.

Hike#2
Another month in advanced hiking trip. The day before came, Chadd pulled out because he was sick, sucks, but he still said we all should go so he gave me the gear the night before. Definitely next time. This time, it was supposed to be me, Chadd, B, Alfredo, Jason, Tianna. Since Chadd pulled out, B went with 'em. So now we were down to 4--I was talking to my dad about somethin' and I thought about my other cousin Pat, Patrick, I haven't seen his ass in a long time. So I asked my dad where I could find him at, and I actually got in contact with 'em and asked 'em if he wanted to come with us. 'Course he agreed, so we made plans the next morning to get shit poppin'. We went an hour or so earlier than the last time, and the sun was out and full. We all got geared up, Jason was with Alfredo, I picked up Pat and Tianna was with. We met up, and went up the same mountain hike. I did a fuck ton better this time around since I've been exercising some. It was still brutal, but we made it up to the top way faster than the last time. We hiked up to the same spot that we did last time, it was grand. Boys were drinkin' lightly this time around, more or so concentrated on the hike and shooting. Both new comers had a blast, we all did of course, so it was a good work out and a good time spent. We will definitely be doing it again, and more and more people are wanting to come, it's getting ridiculous, haha, but we'll see.

^.40 Hollow Point Damage

After that, we made plans to all go back to our place. We just chilled out back mostly, talking about whatever, Jason hit the grill up and BBQ's some shit for everyone, Alfredo passed out, Pat got high and smoked some of that Salvia that I had and fuckin' tripped out, shit was hilarious. I dropped off Jason and Pat, left Alfredo passed out on my couch while Tianna was passed out in the bed. We just watched TV shows all night until sleeping, Alfredo woke up briefly and was watching, he passed out and went home in the morning before we even woke up. Good times.

Insert random beach day here with Tianna, been a long while, but it was a disgusting sunny day, so it was made for it.
Insert a shout out to Ken, AKA Mike's dad, life long good friend and like a second family to me, good business and friendship 4 life.

What next, what next. Chadd's been having it rough lately, really rough, and it kinda pisses me off--when do some people get a fuckin' break in this shit of a life? But I'm doing all I can to make all of this BS easy on 'em, everything, anything. Just a waiting game now, he's thinking about moving to Portland, it's just like I told him, on my end I wouldn't want the dude to leave cuz I don't got much people I can call friends, friends to that kinda extent anyway, so it sucks. But on his end, I dunno, it could be better for him. He tells me it's a back up last resort type of plan, but yeah, we'll see. So with that said, he also might be moving in with me, I'd not mind that all, be a good time to to get back on his feet with saving and also more teaching to make more green on top of that if he wants to with what I'm doing.

Next, finally replacing the broken futon-couch-bed thing in my room. It's been a long time coming, so Tianna and I have been looking around for somethin' to replace it. We ended up getting super lucky on some type of bombass deal and scored a leather Ashley couch, fuckin' ballin', gonna be shipped here on Wednesday, I just hope we can get this sucker to fit through the door ways. Regular price was like 800.00-900.00, copped it for 250.00 due to some kinda return and a tear in it that didn't even exist, so, score.
Another purchase I made was a gun holster. Yeah, it's been a long time coming and I've always wanted to get a particular gun holster for my pistol and I finally got one, and not just anyone at that, but the one I wanted. The shoulder black leather Galco holster for 200.00. Steep price, but definitely worth it when I got the damned thing, super comfortable and ease of use. Gonna cop some ammo and another cartridge in the near future.

[Eminem]
Shady, Aftermath. Look at that bitch, god, shit, hey. There she goes, shaking that ass on the floor, bumpin' and grindin' that pole. The way she's grindin' that pole, I think I'm losing control.
Get buzzed, get drunk, get crunked, get fucked up, hit the strip club, don't forget ones, get your dick rubbed, get fucked, get sucked, get wasted, shit faceted, pasted, blasted, puke, drink up, get a new drink, hit the bathroom sink, throw up, wipe your shoe clean, got a routine goin', still got a few chunks on them shoestrings showin' I was dehydrated 'till the beat vibrated, I was re-vibed as soon as this Bitch gyrated and hips and licked them lips and that was it, I had to get Nate Dogg here to sing some shit.

[Nate Dogg]
Two to the one from the one to the three, I like good pussy and I like good trees, smoke so much weed, you wouldn't believe and I get more ass than a toilet seat. Three to the one from the one to the three, I met a bad bitch last night in the D, let me tell you how I made her leave with me; Conversation and Hennessey. I've been to the mothafuckin' mountain top, heard mothafuckers talk, seen 'em drop. If I ain't got a weapon, I'ma pick up a rock and when I bust yo ass, I'm goin' continue to rock. Get ya ass off the wall with your two left feet, it's real easy, just follow the beat. Don't let that fine girl pass you by, look real close cuz strobe lights lie.
We 'bout to have a party, turn the music up, let's get it started, go ahead and shake your butt. I'm lookin' for a girl with a body and a sexy strut, wanna get it poppin' baby, step right up. Some girls, they act retarded, some girls are about it. I'm lookin' for a girl that will do whatever the fuck I say, everyday she be givin' it up.
Shake that ass for me, shake that ass for me. Come on girl, shake that ass for me, shake that ass for me. Ohh girl, shake that ass for me, shake that ass for me, come on girl, shake that ass for me, shake that ass for me.

[Eminem]
I'm a menace, a dentist, an oral hygienist, open your mouth for about four or five minutes. Take a little bit of this fluoride rinse, swish but don't spit it, swallow and I'll finish. Yeah, me and Nate d-o double g, looking for a couple bitches with some double D's. Pop a little champagne and a couple E's, slip it in her bubbly, we finnin' to have a party.

[Nate Dogg]
Have a party, turn the music up, let's get it started, go ahead and shake your butt. I'm lookin' for a girl I can fuck in my hummer truck, apple Bottom jeans and a big ol' butt. Some girls, they act retarded, some girls are about it. I want a bitch to sit at the crib with no panties on, knows that she can but she won't say no. Now look at this lady all in front of me, sexy as can be, tonight I want a slut, would you be mine? I heard you was freaky from a friend of mine.

[Eminem]
Now I hope you don't get mad at me, but I told Nate you was a freak, he said he wants a slut, hope you don't mind, I told 'em how you like it from behind.
God, I'm old, I ain't leavin' without you bitch, you coming home with me and my boy, and his boy, and his boy, and his girl, haha, Nate Dogg.

-Eminem & Nate Dogg/Shake That Ass

I'd rather die like a man than live like a coward

Mon, 23 Mar 2009 08:59:08 GMT

3-22-08, CAPTAIN'S LOG, SITTING HERE PONDERING WHAT TO WRITE ABOUT...YET AGAIN, TRAVELING THROUGH SPACE, LET'S START HERE;
(WARNING, THIS ENTRY WILL HAVE LOTS OF YOUTUBE VIDEOS)

I guess one of the first things I remember was having Dani and my cousin, Chucky, crashing over on the same night. Turns out that Chucky and Dani are in the same class or some shit and had noticed one or thee others through myspaces and what not, and got to talking there and became friends through this little connection. It was a while back, but all I can recall is playing Castle Crashers with four players, them two, Tianna, and I. Cracking out on that and other video games. Oh, and Dani's weird powerball toy;

Next thing I recall, badass beach day. Basically, a week before, Chadd wanted to come and hang and detox from life by chillin' with me and T. We do what we do, we get high, Chadd gets drunk, we watch shit, play shit, and just good old chattin'. The same day, I got a phone call from my Uncle, Jason, and Alfredo as well, asking if I wanted to come out to the beach with them, a beach I haven't been to at all or in forever, somewhere on the northshore. Chadd said he was down, and Tianna was as well, so we woke up early the next day, took forever getting some fuckin' breakfast at jack in the box before driving out to meet the rest of the folk in some city I'm not familiar with. We all met up and shit, drove out to the spot on the beach, I recall it being very fucking windy and cold. Tianna and I swam a bunch, Chadd was mostly sketching and shit on the beach, I wanted that mofo to get into the water since I ain't never seen that shit, or him at all on a beach, haha. Also supervised my uncle's kids a bunch, and playing with them and etc, dug a huge hole for no reason at all which led to a great work out. My other Cousin Vincent, or Vincent Boy was also there with his lady, as well as my aunty along with my Uncle. It was pretty cool to have gliders and planes and shit flying low over us. A couple of times, I noticed my uncle chatting it up with Chadd and I'm just saying to myself; "Oh man, I hope he'll be alright." As in Chadd, haha, you'd just have to know my uncle to even understand what I'm talking about. He even ended up going on a beer/bathroom run alone with my uncle...how scary. I later found out that it was all good, Chadd was drunk off of his ass, said my uncle was real chill and cool/funny and shit, good. Alfredo and Vincent also went diving, I don't know nothin' about that shit or fishing or whatever, but I did score some pictures and a vid;

Met up with Alfredo on some Sunday to go and pick up some Ammo and to check out a different gun shop that I've never been to. We get there and OH, hello, they're closed on Sunday, for some reason that whole day, I thought it was Saturday, fucked up. Met Chadd some days later to pick up some Ammo for the oncoming hike, we got all the ammo and almost had everything set...we were just counting on the weather and shooting targets to come in that was ordered through ebay...which never came in time, so Tianna and I went the day before the hike to go get some targets which wasn't the best targets, but somethin', better than nothin'. Weeks later, the targets finally came in the mail, fucking idiots, but oh well, we can save them for the next hiking adventure. Also, about a week after this, my uncle asked me if I wanted to come with the usual's down to the beach where they had spread my grandpa's ashes, so we did just that for a little while. I also recall going to my sisters place one day to help set up her new computer and printer and shit...well she had some business to attend to, and I had to pick up Tianna, Jayden was staying at the house with me, so he ended up coming with on a nice long car ride with me, which has never been done before. Surprisingly, he was pretty good the whole way, we were just talking about whatever he wants to talk about, he's a video game freak, and still rotten to the bone, enjoyed one of Eminem's and Slipknot's songs a bit too much while in the car, he kept asking to play those songs again and asking me why they swear a lot in them, which he also enjoys--yeah, I know, haha, old photo of him.

Tianna's 21st b-day came and went. We went to the usual place, that infamous black angus cattle company. We both had filet mignon I believe, ya just can't beat that soft juicy piece of steak ass. Onion rangs, salads, those fancy dranks that I dig--or well, Tianna had some alcohol included drank instead, some kinda Tea somethin' like Long Island. Shit was superb--even better, when we were about to leave, the waitress comes out with some kinda specialty dessert and said she hadn't noticed that it was her birthday till paying. It was some kinda brownie topped with ice cream, whipped cream, chocolate shavings and sauce and all fancy looking and shit--shit was mad delicious, it oughta be on their menu. Filled the fuck up, bounced.
For some weeks or even a month now, I have been trying to secure a day to meet up with Kelly, or actually, after chatting some, introducing her to Tianna. So it finally happened on this same day, 'cept at night. We met up, introduced the two whom both didn't have any problem with one another, it was actually all pretty chill, we just all chatted about shit, both gals got tipsy some with some dranks, we all got high and just had a great time. Regardless that I was horny as shit and wanted a little double girl action, it wasn't gonna happen that night since Kelly had to be home by a certain time since working the next day, boo-hoo for me--but she was saying next time and etc, haha, joy;

I basically just stole this little paragraph from Chadd's journal, probably the most exciting thing I did in a while, the best shit;
Saturday
Gun day. Weeks before, Tom and I were starting to plan a shooting day. It was actually months, maybe a year in the making. But we finally made it happen. I invited B because the guy's gonna go to job corp soon and wanted to go out with a bang. I took that request kinda literally. Tom brought his cousin Alfredo and of course, his siamese twin Tianna. After stair-master climbing and getting stabbed by spikey plants of all species, we finally reached our quiet little shooting area. It was perfect. Beer, jokes, shoot, beer, jokes, shoot, shoot, shoot, more beer. It was great. And then it started to rain. We got lost in the mountains for a few minutes, but Fredo led us back to man-made roads. The board of water hooked us up with a faucet too. It was like destiny. Haha. I felt relieved and admittedly drunk. I remember saying it like 10 times that I never want to get wasted in the forest ever again. Things start to get fuzzy after that. I remember us walking down from the mountains like frickin' Mosses with the 10 commandments. Beat-up but satisfied. We accomplished something big that day... The car got popped while we were away. Fools took the stereo faceplate and some other non-important stuff. Then, the drive back. No tunes. I felt vomit brewing and a hang-over just around the bend. I wish that I could describe this day better, but, it'd take multiple paragraphs. Besides, it was more like one of those "you had to be there" sort of things...
Some Tom notes to go with that, the hike up was fucking brutal, I can't believe Alfredo and Chadd were carrying coolers which they swapped out with one another with Tianna and even B--AND Alfredo and Chadd were drinking beers while hiking up, hahaha. But it wasn't super bad because it was cloudy out and it was slightly drizzling from time to time. Target shooting was fucking awesome along with the adventure of being led through weeds and rocks and all of the sorts, note to self, don't forget the fucking machete next time. Incredible day, we spent hours on the hike, getting lost was fuckin' great even though I got a tad bit worried since hiking with inebriated fucks, haha. Chadd was pretty wasted as said, dude hardly even shot, haha. The hike back down was definitely grand, it rained some and shit, made it a lot more chill. I had also talked about this with Alfredo as well like a year in advanced, alongside Chadd, we finally got this shit done. We're all definitely planning to do this again sometime soon, maybe next month sometime, shits great exercise, I was sore all over for the next 3-4 days, feels great man. Regardless that the car was broken into via slimjim from the window--fucking faggots got useless items(which was easily replaced for like 50.00) cuz before we left the car, I always tell everyone to take all valuables with them, like I ain't know what city we're in;

Up next, I forgot what day this happened on, but I had bought the game Street Fighter IV. As much as it pisses me off with me cussing at the TV and calling out it's bullshits, it's a pretty good game with a back to the basics feel/simplicity to it. So because of that, I've been gaming from time to time with Wil, the capcom masta. I also swung by to his place on some day to drop off a bag of his shit that I had, a bunch old stuff that I'm sure brings back memories that he appreciates, not mentioning his college degree or any of that garbage, haha. Chilled at his place for a bit, just chatting about life and whatever else comes and goes, along with Tianna and Brandy--it was good to see them again though. I thought my room looked bad, but damn, Wil's place got mine beat with them controllers and wiring, versus my laptop weed bar.

Another short and sorta weird event, but worth mentioning. Tianna and I needed to use her birthday coupons for the cattle company, right? So I had this idea to invite Chadd to come with us cuz I know he fucking hates that sorta get up, but I'm saying that he could potentially dig this place because of the dark setting and big booths and shit, I mean, like I like that kinda things either--us ghetto folk. I thought he was gonna shoot it down on arrival, but surprisingly, he didn't...he questioned me about some sorta chocolate cake even, and he said he was sold by chocolate cake, the super ultra choco cake delux or whatever the fuck he called it, haha. Well I can't say what kind of a time he had, he said he felt a little out of placed--the waiter gave us a seat like right out in the open infront of the entrance, and I was like, yo, fuck this, let's move, so we did, just to ease any tensions and shit. Had an NY steak and Tianna with the filet mignon(AKA soft steak cuz I don't believe in that faggot name) and onion rangs, Chadd got some kinda fried shrimp thing--all in all, I thought everything was good and I hope Chadd liked it too. Updates on Chadd's situation, he eventually got lucky and found a good place to live at, he even had extended time at his current place, and got lots of help to move and all of that from some family which surprised him, so everything worked out good on his end, glad to hear that despite a couple of bad luck REAL LIFE stories to do with 'em that I won't mention since it's his own personal shit.

Down there at the pawn shop, it's a nifty way to shop.
Down there at the pawn shop, if it's not in stone.
Down there at the pawn shop, at no end, no way to shop.
Down there at the pawn shop.
What has been told, albino made in stone, just remember that it's flesh and bone.
So, why I'm down here at the pawn shop.
Down here at the pawn shop, down here at the pawn shop, down here at the pawn shop.
What has been sold, not strictly made of stone, just remember that it's flesh and bone.
And I have heard, like dike-a-bird, yeah, but just remember that it's flesh and bone.
so why I'm down here at the pawn shop..down here at the pawn shop
What has been sold, not strictly sold, please remember that it's flesh and bone.
-Sublime/Pawn Shop

What next, a trip down to the northshore side to have those lovely shaved ice from Matsumoto Shaved Ice. I don't even remember when I had one of those things since I was probably a kid, but Tianna and I had planned to go have some of that shit some time and we finally got it done on some lazy day. I had uhhh, stawberry/pineapple/vanilla with icecream under it, shit was mad delicious, Tianna had Fruit Punch, Stawberry, and Vanilla, also with ice cream, she didn't like the fruit punch part though. So we joked about going again the next day to try some new flavors and well, the joke became a reality when we were both bored the next day, so once again, we drove all the way out there to go have some. When we got there, fucking Saturday, the line was huge, there was no parking or anything, I was disgusted and didn't even wanna have one anymore and was driving away angrily...and then I turned around cuz I was pissed that I drove that far for nothin'. Found a parking in a no parking zone, fuck it, stood in line for like a half hour or so, got Li Hing Mui & Lemon, Tianna got the same but also with Cherry, fuckin' dope shit. Did I mention my addiction for starbucks lately anywhere in this entry while I'm on these little fuckin' snacks? I don't particularly like coffee, but I've discovered mocha frappuccino's which I fuckin' adore for god knows what reason.

This big space is reserved for PHIL with a bunch of shit that I won't talk about, you the man motherfucker, hope everything goes over smoothly.

I made and hosted my first torrent ever as well, well, I didn't make it, I just took the time to download them all individually. Basically it's this book that was made about 10 years ago, called Xenogears: Perfect Works, basically the Xenogears(Playstation Video Game, my #1 video game of all time) Bible, all in Japanese. Someone I randomly found on the net was almost completed with translating the entire thing into English directly onto the scanned pages. So I got in contact with the dude and told him what I wanted to do, bunch 'em all up and put them in one big file to download, he gave me the OK, I set everything up and hosted it for days, got a lot of downloads from it, still going, the torrent file can be found here;

(Mininova)
(http://www.mininova.org/tor/2379460)
(PirateBay)
(http://thepiratebay.org/torrent/4772263)

Most recent, well, I've had a bad sore throat for more than a week and have been sober since a couple of days ago, I got over it and am back on my feet I guess, I hope. Also to note, Tianna has started her laser permanent hair removal process, she claims that it hurts like a bitch, would rather be inked, but she has a few more appointments or some shit, sucks to be her, haha.

Ugh, I'm sickened to even be writing about this part but I keep shit real so I will definitely talk about it here. This little story will be about Chloe, yeah, if you've read my shit, you'll know who this is, that little asian girl. For more than a month, or closely to even two months, she'd IM me, text me, call me, email me, all of which I would never respond to cuz I was either not there or just was like BLAH to the random sporadic shit that she spews. It was pretty annoying of her hitting me up on almost the daily about random whatever and my never responding...kinda creepy at that. So basically I finally let it out and told her she was annoying on a forums that I go to often, and one where she has recently gone to and just annoys everyone in a fashion that everyone refers to as a 'troll'. I basically told her that I thought she was annoying and I didn't wanna be her friend anymore or anything like that, I didn't talk any shit or anything like that, very civil about it. Of course her little bruised ego couldn't handle it and was saying she wanted her toothbrush and shirt back from me of which I don't even know what she's talking about cuz I hadn't noticed any of her shit here, I was just thinking she wanted a reason to see me again or some crap. I don't know when exactly was it that we last hung out, but it was with Tianna on some random late night where she practically begged me to pick her up cuz she didn't have anywhere else to go--and I was just being kind and did so since she was practically homeless due to family drama. She stayed over for a couple of nights and I was like, yeah, I got shit to do now, ya gotta go, I gotta try to get some work done and I can't do it with you around, I just don't generally like hanging out with people for pro-longed periods of times, while she uses my computer, my big TV, eats up the food, leaves messes in her drugged up state of mind with constant random rambling.

Anyway, from this point on, on that very same forum, she's making open threats about how she's going to egg my house...like some sorta pre-teen revenge, and later on, she'd email or text me the same about egging my house, or insinuating that it won't be her, but it'll be someone else paying me a visit, as if some faggot friends of hers, or some crap, I don't even know, she just started to straight up stalk me with taunts. The only place I ever replied to her was on this forum, ANYWHERE else, I NEVER replied to her, in fact, on this forum, I just started making a stalker log and just started taking screen shots from my phone and or computer from my email about how whack this chick was. Even more to my surprise, this other cat who owns that forum, YTCracker, showed me a screen shot of how much she emails HIM. And there's frickin' hundreds of emails, tons of repeated BS, all talking about me, how she's gonna kill me, or call the cops on me, if I believe in God, I'll be behind bars soon, or claim rape to get me arrested, all sorts of crazy fuckin' shit. But so far, that's all it has been, TALK, no action. It's pretty hilarious and annoying altogether, like, wow, just get over it, I mean, don't you have more important shit to worry about? Get your life together. YTCracker told me that he only reads or responds to her shit if he's smashed, but for the most part, he doesn't. She has some kinda stalker intent idolization for YTCracker since NERD LIFE, but wow, I had to apologize to him myself cuz he was getting it way more bad than I was...let alone whoever else, jesus. I'll keep saying bring it though, like I'm supposed to be afraid--this chick don't even know the half of what I been through or the cats I know, and she must wonder why I find her problems to be simplistic and childish. Bring it anyway ya want to, online? No problem. Wanna call the cops on me and take it the legal way? No problem, I got a fuck ton of evidence and witnesses/alibis. Wanna try shit off the records? Bring it, call anyone, I don't give a fuck, DO ANYTHING REAL and just stop runnin' your crazy little mouth, wannabe lunatic. Crazy, psychotic, insane, psh, I know people who fit those words FOR REAL, not just delusional mindfucks. I've not heard from her in a few days, but I doubt it's over yet, I hope it is though.

Here's the thread where you can see how everything went down, including all sorts of screen shots and what not;
(http://digitalgangster.com/4um/showthread.php?t=85007)

Fake, fake records, records, records.
It's bigger than hip hop, hip hop, hip hop, hip, it's bigger than hip hop, hip hop, hip hop, hip hop.

One thing 'bout music, when they hit, you feel no pain. White folks says it controls your brain, I know better than that, that's game and we ready for that. Two soldiers, head of the pack, matter of fact, who got the gat, and where my army at, rather attack than not react. Back the beats, it don't reflect on how many records get sold on sex, drugs, and rock and roll whether your project's put on hold. In the real world, these just people with ideas, they just like me and you when the smoke and camera disappear. Again, the real world, it's bigger than all these fake ass records. When poor folks got the millions and my woman's disrespected. If you check 1,2, my word of advice to you is just relax. Just do what you got to do, if that don't work then kick the facts. If you a fighter, rider, lighter, flame ignitor, crowd exciter or you wanna just get high, then just say it. But then if you a liar liar, pants on fire, wolf cry, agent with a wire, I'm gon' know it when I play it. It's bigger than

Who shot Biggie Smalls, if we don't get them, they gon' get us all. I'm down for runnin' up on them crackers in they city hall. We ride for yall, all my dogs stay real, nigga don't think these record deals gonna feed your seeds and pay your bills because they not. MC's get a little bit of love and think they hot, talkin' 'bout how much money they got, nigga, all yall records sound the same. I'm sick of that fake thug, R&B Rap scenario all day on the radio, same scenes in the video, monotonous material. Yall don't hear me though, these record labels slang our tapes like dope. You can be next in line and signed and still be writing rhymes and broke. You would rather have a Lexus or Justice, a Dream or some Substance, a Beamer, a Necklace or Freedom. Still a nigga like me don't playa' hate, I just stay awake, this real hip hop, and it don't stop till we get the po po off the block. They call it

DP's got that crazy shit, we keep it crunk up, John Blaze'd and shit, 1, 2, 1, 2.
They call it; Fake, fake, fake records, records, records.

-Dead Prez/Hip Hop

Aequitas et Veritas et Licentia

Sun, 08 Feb 2009 04:00:33 GMT

Still alive, still alive, whether that be a curse or a blessing, I don't know and don't care.
Anyway, not much has been going on really. What to talk about, what to talk about.

We'll do it all, everything, on our own.
We don't need anything or anyone.
If I lay here, if I just lay here, would you lie with me and just forget the world?
I don't quite know how to say how I feel.
Those three words are said too much, they're not enough.
Forget what we're told before we get too old.
Show me a garden that's bursting into life.
Let's waste time chasing cars around our heads.
I need your grace to remind me to find my own.
All that I am, all that I ever was.
Is here in your perfect eyes, they're all I can see.
I don't know where, confused about how as well.
Just know that these things will never change for us at all.
-Snow Patrol/Chasing Cars

Bidness first I guess as usual. Still no real job yet, although I must admit I haven't even been looking too much, still keeping my eye's for somethin' to drop an app to if it's even worth it, but more or so trying to work on other ventures so I don't have to go back to that shit depending on how reliable it is--but I'm still contemplating a part time depending on how things go over the next couple of months or so.
First off, that trial projects with making money from the Internets that I previously mentioned, well that hit the shitter and certain top dog websites like Ebay and Amazon, didn't approve of my illegitimate tactics that I used to make the kinda money I did--in which they revoked that cash and banned my accounts, hahaha, I most certainly expected this due to some mistakes I made early on with trial and error, although I did much more research in this venture to better my security the next time around if and when I want to get into that, or whenever it's necessary. Plus, I get all that learning experience and what not, pretty interested stuff, a lot harder to absolutely get away with than what I would have expected, but entirely doable, just a lot more work/learning. So, with that said, I pretty much stopped there with that project.

Somethin' else also came to mind about something I mentioned before with Sprint making some sorta fuck up on my bill, which would have credited nearly 1,000. to my account, but, they got wind of that and had that fixed, bummer. UPDATE; Although I'm supposedly getting twice the amount in rebates returned for I don't know what reason, let's see if this one pulls through.

Back on track, any who, another type of proposition popped up with internet money that I've been watching before actually signing up and trying it, and needless to say, it wasn't that bad with what I worked with, managed to make a nice extra 600.00 over the course of a week or so, added up to maybe just a few full days of work. Yeah, I was already paid for that, helped a bunch with the bills. Since then, there's been a lot of drama with the particular program(not to do with me, but other idiots) that's been resolved and upgraded and refined and such, so having to work with those changes, I started putting a lot more work into this particular venture in various ways with the hopes of making more dollars. Some of the stuff I'd work on all frickin' day, but due to more problems arising, I kinda just stopped, also more with a bunch of IRL shit coming up, that helped a halt on that as well. But no, I've not given this up yet, just a delay, I put in a little time here and there building up what I'm working on, then soon enough, I'll launch it in all ways and just put hours and hours into this shit to try to make that dollars come in. Working with programs, and awaiting one dude to sell me a program he's working on to make things a whole lot easier, time saved, time is money.

More on the bidness aspect, over the course of some months, I've been helping out a good friend whom is in the middle east with some work that he needs to get done down here and I don't mind helping 'em out with that, since potentially I'm not doing anything anyway besides the internet shit, and the beauty behind that is yeah, I choose when and what to do, so it's no biggy. Not everything has gone down just yet, but we're working on it, hopefully soon, and satisfactory should be pleasant on both ends, I'm looking forward to this one though, would help a lot. OH YOU KNOW IT PHIL, BANG BANG.

Yet another venture, I recently was trying to sell my Nintendo DS on Ebay since I never play the damned thing much and it's super new and shit, but those cheap scape Ebayers all wait till the final hours to bid and only low ball since cheapsters. Instead, I put it up on Craigslist and didn't get any responses for days until one dude hit me up, we talked some via email, made a good deal, met up, sold it to him. Told him to contact me if he needed any help with anything.

Well since then, we've made multiple 'transactions' for various things and he has been nothing but satisfied with the business I offer and my generous support if any problems. A part of this is to do with free lance computer based type of work, say if you need a computer fixed/reformatted(cleared of viruses/spyware) backed up, and basically just made to be brand new and updated with the latest and greatest shit. I've done multiple jobs like these in which I work on it ASAP and as fast as I can, usually over a night or two and it's done and I get it back to whomever it was, and I charge like 50.00 for that shit + extra goodies if needed, but cost goes up depending on what exactly. Why me? Well save money, that's why, fuck those geek squad rip offs and everything like 'em, I'll even do some hardware shit if it's doable to me, I mean, I'd look at it anyway for free and if it's not somethin' I can fix, then just return it. I'm looking to expand a bit more in this area as well, by word of mouth type of thing, it's kinda a hobby and I don't mind doing it.
ANY OF YOU HAWAII FUCKERS NEED A COMPUTER FIXED? GET AT ME AND WE CAN TALK AND FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT.

A possible 'nother type of venture exists as well with one of my main man's Chadd, but I won't mention none of that stuff here for obvious reasons. Gotta hustle, you say; be a slave wage? I say; fuck that, I do what I want, I'm a gangsta. You say; Rich assholes rape countries worldwide and tax it's people for their personal profiteering jargon bullshit, I say; I ain't never did a crime I ain't have to do, so fuck your one sided laws.

Now, about a month or so ago, back when I was gonna start looking for a real job, I thought what the hell, it would be a good idea to GET my license just because a bunch of jobs require it for whatever stupid reasons, I'm talking about the one's that have nothing to do with driving but still require it for I don't know, parking or being assured you'll get to work on time and not BUS time. So one fine early morning, I decided to go, went with Tianna in the early AM at like 5:30, going to starbucks to get some coffee, or in my case, I don't drink coffee but I tried a white chocolate mocha, and yeah, coffee just seems to be coffee and it sucks ass, but anything to help me stay up would have been nice because I switched my whole sleeping schedule just to fit in with this one--this had me staying up all the way through the entire next day just to take this road test. Then when we get in line, ring Tianna's mama to meet us there for that of age driver since Tianna don't hit 21 until next month of this year. So we're driving there early, I'm sippin' coffee in one hand, using the other hand to steer while getting my dick sucked all at the same time with being tired, and eventually got there to Kapolei. Waited for hours, first in line, cold as shit, took the test in which I thought I did superb but apparently I don't know how to drive regardless of driving for like 8 years and avoiding all them accidents and etc. I made the same mistake a few times of not treating turning right at a red light as a complete stop, which I was yielding instead because I thought humans saw forward and have eyes because they can see, but I guess not. The woman was very nice though and explained everything, thankfully I didn't get one of those other dicks who hate their life and their job, of which I could out drive their asses any time of day at that.

Fuck it, pissed off, came back the same day next week. This time, I had some old man, I thought I was fucking dead on arrival here since the dude looked lifeless. This time, I concentrated on my mistakes but got thrown off since he made me go on whole 'nother route, GREAT! Another shitty thing is, is Tianna's car's driving meter is like 10-15MPH off, meaning when I'm doing 10MPH, the meter is reading like 25, so talk about turtle fucking slow. Even the old man told me about that cuz he can feel it and knows the difference, but he said he won't tax me on that because it's not my fault, just following the rules. So we were gone for a long time, I nailed the parallel like it was nothing cuz it truly is nothing to me and I never got what was the big deal about it. During our drive, we even started small talk about shit, his experience with his job and what not, so he turned out to be a pretty chill old man, and yep, he passed me. Glad that's over, but more over useless due to the internet ventures, but may still come in handy if I do decide to get a part time job, and over all it just helps me to be less paranoid of being pulled over and harassed by a copper.

Haha @ older ID photos;

Jolene, Jolene, Jolene, Jolene, I'm begging of you, please don't take my man.
Jolene, Jolene, Jolene, Jolene, please don't take him even though you can.
Your beauty is beyond compare with flaming locks of auburn hair, with ivory skin and eyes of emerald green.
Your smile is like a breath of spring, and your voice is soft like summer rain, and I cannot compete with you, Jolene.
He talks about you in his sleep, and there's nothin' I can do to keep from cryin' when he calls your name, Jolene.
Well, I can easily understand how you could easily take my man, but you don't know what he means to me, Jolene.
Well, you could have your choice of man, but I could never love again, he's thee only one for me, Jolene.
And I had to have this talk with you, my happiness depends on you, and whatever you decide to do, Jolene.
-The White Stripes/Jolene (Dolly Parton Cover)

KELLY, and I'm not talking about that Osbourne bitch or Kapowski. Anyway, lemme share a story about Kelly whom I met through a mutual friend who we both never met, his name is Chris. One day he randomly mentions he knows someone else from Hawaii that I should connect with just because, during, I don't recall what type of conversation. So he drops me her LJ and I check her out, she seems pretty cool, I leave her comments, we chat it up for a while via LJ, and eventually a bit on AIM. It wasn't very long and not very like me, but during some bored day, we decide to just meet and see what's up. So I managed to get to her place without getting lost, thank god it wasn't too complicated for me--so we're both indecisive pricks and don't really know what to do, so I tell her let's just chill then, we don't have to do anything. I picked her up, drove back to my place where we just hung out, chatted about our lives and what not, this 'getting to know each other' type of thing. So a little after an hour, the conversation is on sex. Just your casual sexual conversation, sharing experiences, what you have done and haven't done and the likes. So during that, she had said she never done a facial before and would like to do that one some day. Now if anyone knows who I am, what was I supposed to say? This is exactly what I said; "Well, you wanna try one right now?" As shockingly surprised as she was to my forwardness from what I could see/tell anyway, she could not turn down my sexual allure, haha. She asked what I wanted/wanted to do exactly, I asked her if she wants to suck some cock in which she agreed, so I unzipped and whipped it out, she got to suckin', and pretty damned good at it for someone who's only had 2 partners, and only 18 years old at that. After that, I bent her over the couch and gave her a royal doggy style pounding whilst smacking that ass, choking that neck, pulling that hair and etc as she moans loud enough for the neighbors to masturbate to. I don't normally like to get too fancy on a first time fuckin', so after wearing myself out on that ass for a while, I got up, had her get to her knee's and lower her head while I jerked myself off for a bit until I shot a huge porno load all over this chicks face. Dripping from her septum in her nose and her mouth onto her shirt, I kinda chuckled and said; "Oh boy, I should've gave you a warning that I drop pornstar-like loads." in which she replied that it was OK, and that it was fucking hot, and I told her she looked good with cum all over her face, very becumming of her. I even wanted to take a picture, but she was like noooooooo, I don't know how serious that was, but yeah, moving along, haha. So we both cleaned up, I asked her what her name was again and asked if she was the right woman that I thought I had been talking to on AIM/livejournal, told her to go get herself checked out cuz I probably left her a present down below. All in a jokingly sorta way of course, we chilled for a bit more, then I dropped her off back at home, nice to meet you, later, the end, for now.

Since then, we've been meaning to meet on a couple of occasions that got cock blocked for whatever reasons. She was even trying to get me into a threesome with one of her other acquaintance type of friends whom she could not get into contact with whom said she was interested in me as well for that type of thing since both of those gals supposedly dig each other and just want a cock to be involved, in which they had already selected another dude but that one got weirded out of it for whatever reason, and I was the new candidate, lucky me. I had hoped to plan it for the same day and time the following week, but it never went through since she never got a hold of her friend. We were gonna meet anyway, but she ended up being busy with somethin'. The following week, we were to meet again and she had saw her friend but she was too fucked up to be talked to at the time, so we were just gonna meet, but I ended up getting super swamped and busy with shit that whole morning/afternoon, but she had also said it didn't matter cuz she was sick anyway. Then it was Friday, but never contacted me so I dunno. Any who, I think we'll end up kicking it again in due time, I don't really mind, she's a very freaky open kinda gal, none of that drama BS, so that's cool in my book--maybe even some type of threesome with someone, who knows, haha.

Towards the afternoon of that same day, I ended up taking Tianna to that Black Angus steak restaurant since I finally got some money on me and shit, it was time to enjoy it a little with one of the rare occasions of me going to a restaurant. We got a couple of plates, couple of dranks, a desert(not seen in photo, but NY Strawberry Cheesecake), as seen in the photo's and all delicious;
Hawaiian Avalanche & Strawberry Lemonade, clam chowder & Salad appetizers;

Rack of rabs with garlic mashed potato's and veggies;

Filet Mignon with the same sides as above;

Beach trips have been made, but the beach has been cold and stagnant due to the weather and waves.
This is the part where I try to remember if anything else was left out that's worth mentioning. Let's see, I picked up my little cousin Chucky on some Saturday to come hang out at my place to enjoy the company of a big screen TV and video games that he so much loves but can't play anymore since his family moved in with some Nazi religious type of relatives whom don't believe in games, or anything fun for that matter. So he stayed the whole day and just gamed, we all gamed some, good shit.
Speaking of Chadd from earlier, the dude got screwed out of some place that he was lined up to move into, he was really excited about it and everything and I ain't never seen the dude like that before over some shit like that. So it was good, but it was too good to be true and due to the previous tenants and some drama with the landlord, shit got fucked up, and so he won't be going to that new place now, and he has like a month to find a new place or renew his contract with the current shit hole he's staying at with some dickwad type of people which he really doesn't want to do. So I told 'em he could stay at here at my place if worst came to worst by that time so he doesn't have to stay at that place anymore cuz it's fucked up. Only temporary at that until he can find a new place, it'd be pretty cool as well, we can discuss business and perhaps work on somethings together and teach other some shit while, but we'll see how that ends up going come towards the end of this month depending if he finds a good place or not.

Oh, also, I'm sending in my Alienware even though I really don't wanna part ways with it for a couple of weeks, or a few even, but 'eh, might as well protect my investment while it's still under warranty, sooooo I'm waiting the shipment box and stuff to turn this bad boy in to get it repaired for it's cheaply made case, they oughta step their game up to carbon fiber or some shit. I don't even know how this happened, I think some type of crud gut underneath that end, and when I opened it, it busted right on in and cracked into the seam and busted whatever plastic piece is on the circle thing that allows the screen to be pulled up or down.

Speaking of laptops, I convinced Tianna to buy one of those mini netbooks that cost like 400.00 since she was looking into getting a new one but was hesitant and I don't know why. But she's completely happy with her purchase and it's pretty nice and shit despite it's lacking specs, but it gets the job done with what needs to be done when on the go and shit.

Interested in seeing people fuck on web cam on stickam, where the girl has no idea the dude is broadcasting it on cam? Look no further, here is the direct download link, I'm also in the chat as "Systom" and I make an appearance on one of the web cam spots at the very end of the 110MB movie file(18+);

[Tupac]
Only God can judge me. (Rappin 4-Tay: Is that right?) Only God can judge me now, only God baby nobody else. (Rappin 4-Tay: Nobody else.) All you other motherfuckers get out my business.

Perhaps I was blind to the facts, stabbed in the back, I couldn't trust my own homies, just a bunch a dirty rats. Will I, succeed, paranoid from the weed and hocus pocus, try to focus, but I can't see, and in my mind, I'ma blind man doin' time, look to my future cuz my past is all behind me. Is it a crime to fight for what is mine? Everybody's dyin', tell me what's the use in tryin'? I've been trapped since birth, cautious cuz I'm cursed, and fantasies of my family in a hearse. And they say it's the white man I should fear, but it's my own kind doin' all the killin' here. I can't lie, ain't no love for the other side, jealousy inside, make 'em wish I died. Oh my Lord, tell me what I'm livin' for, everybody's droppin', got me knockin' on heaven's door. And all my memories of seein' brothers bleed and everybody grieves, but still, nobody see's. Recollect your thoughts, don't get caught up in the mix, cuz the media is full of dirty tricks. Only God can judge me.

Flatline, I hear the doctor standin' over me, screamin' I can make it, got a body full of bullet holes layin' here naked, still I can't breathe, somethin's evil in my IV, cuz every time I breathe, I think they killin' me. I'm having nightmares, homicidal fantasies, I wake up stranglin', danglin' my bed sheets. I call a nurse cuz it hurts to reminisce, how did it come to this, I wish they didn't miss. Somebody help me, tell me where to go from here, cuz even thugs cry, but do the Lord care? Tryin' to remember, but it hurts, I'm walkin' through the cemetery talkin' to the dirt. I'd rather die like a man than live like a coward, there's a ghetto up in Heaven and it's ours, Black Power, is what we scream as we dream in a paranoid state and our fate is a lifetime of hate, Dear Mama, can ya save me? And fuck peace cuz the streets got our babies, we gotta eat, no more hesitation, each and every black male's trapped and they wonder why we suicidal, runnin' 'round strapped. Mr. Police, please try to see that it's a million motherfuckers stressin' just like me. Only God can judge me.

That which does not kill me can only make me stronger, (Rappin 4-Tay: that's for real.) And I don't see why everybody feel as though that they gotta tell me how to live my life. (Rappin 4-Tay: You know?) Let me live baby, let me live.

[Rappin 4-Tay]
Pac, I feel ya, keep servin' it on the reala, for instance, say a playa hatin' mark is out to kill ya, would you be wrong for buckin' a nigga to the pavement? He gon' get me first, if I don't get him, fool, start prayin'. Ain't no such thing as self defense in the court of law, so judge us when we get to where we're goin' across, that's real. Got him, lurked him, crept the fuck up on him, sold a half a million tapes, now everybody want 'em. After talkin' behind my back like a bitch would, tellin' them niggas; "You can fade us." Punk, I wish you would. It be them same motherfuckers in your face that'll rush up in your place to get your safe, knowin' you on that paper chase. Grass, glass, big screen and leather couch, my new shit is so fetti, already sold a key of ounce. Bitch, remember Tupac and 4-Tay, them same two brothers dodgin' bullets, representin' The Bay. Pac, when you was locked down, that's when I'll be around, start climbin' up the charts, so sick, but they tried to clown. That's why they ride the bandwagon, still be draggin', sellin' lies, don't think I don't see you haters, I know you all in disguise.

[Tupac]
Guess you figure you know me cuz I'ma thug that love to hit the late night club, drink then buzz, been livin' lavish like a player all day. Now I'm 'bout to floss 'em off, player shit with 4-Tay. Only God can judge me.

(Rappin 4-Tay: Only God man, that's for real, fuck everybody else, know what I'm sayin'?) Man, look here man, my only fear of death is comin' back to this bitch reincarnated. That's for the homey mental, we up out. Only God can judge me now.

-2PAC & Rappin 4-Tay/Only God Can Judge Me

-original mario brothers dying sound-

Sat, 03 Jan 2009 08:53:26 GMT

Sooooo, let's talk and start with business as usual. NO JOB YET, but I've pretty much dropped that crap due to the holidays and all, and just took it easy instead. I kinda sorta said I'd jump start myself come January, and I do intend to stick with that, by first, quitting that sweet marijuana yet again, just to clean my system out in case of any drug tests with any possible jobs. Dick heads think they have the right, alcohol is A-OK but no on that evil gate way to higher drugs marijuana, woooooOoO;

Anyway. I'm also planning to try to get my license in January since that would open up more doors with possible jobs, even though jobs are bare and barren all over the place. But I figure why not, since I have to renew my I don't know how many years old and kept up permit.

I need some sleep, you can't go on like this.
I tried countin' sheep, but there's one I always miss.
Everyone says I'm gettin' down too low.
Everyone says; "You just gotta let it go, you just gotta let it go."
I need some sleep, time to put thee old horse down.
I'm in too deep and the wheels keep spinnin' round.
Everyone says I'm gettin' down too low.
Everyone says; "You just gotta let it go, you just gotta let it go."
You just gotta let it go.
-Eels/I Need Some Sleep

So for some months now, I may or may have not mentioned it on here, but I've been trying to venture into this internet money making business. I know of a lot more than most, that this stuff actually exists and big bank can be made from it, more than any of you would even imagine, but that's not the hard part, not at all, it's all about the methods and who you know. It's probably not looked upon as a good thing either cuz it would have to involve "illegal" type of activities(unless you have money to spend to make money, it can work both ways), like SPAM for example...but of course you'd be mad for getting spam messages and not making a dollar off of it, while others out there bank 1,000.-20,000.+ a month from it. I've been keeping up with that with trying my own shit without anyone's real help, 'cept some brain storming with a couple of friends, just trial and error and fucking with some shit and reading and etc. I've had some success in the month of December, a lot of trial and error and figuring things out, but I've managed to make about 300.00 from the Internets which I'm still waiting on to see if it pulls through since I know I fucked up with something along the way, but will still wait and see if I get paid, but I know what not to do now, regardless. So, I'm gonna continue to pursue this with my free time for if and when I do get a job to pay off these bills, and even put some money into these little projects of mine to see where they can go if anywhere.
Next to my trying or attempting at all of this crap this month, I've also decided, if Tianna's mama gives me any shit like all I do is sit here all day and do nothin', I'm gonna bounce and move, that easy, no big deal.

Now the other kind of free time, not the mainly Call Of Duty World At War masturbation, but the hang out's and holidays and etc as far as I can remember.

Flood. I don't even recall when that was, but I know it was recent and anyone from Hawaii whom reads this will know. That shit was so random and awesome, various places on this island was drowning in foots worth of water. I recall driving out to thee old beach like a day after the main flooding stopped to see some destruction out of random boredom, shit was ugly as expected, got some pics of that;

I recall my cousin Alfredo coming over one day to kill some time since his lady, Eva, had to do somethin' in a city close by. Just chilled for some hours, playing video games and chit chatting.
I recall picking up Chadd one night to just chill. We smoked out, played games, didn't achieve much of anything but just good old chillin'. This potent lethal weed I picked up, puts everyone right into a comatose mixture of phasing out and sleeping state, awesome.

During the Christmas week, Tianna and the fam left to California, so I was home alone for a week, just had to watch over the dog. Dropped them off at the airport, chilled for a couple of days and just straight up lamped and walked around naked. Since I don't really make solid plans, I had semi figured that I'd be hanging out with a few different ladies over the course of this one week. It didn't quite go that way, though. I ended up only hanging out with Ashlynn, after missing multiple other days beforehand when we were supposed to hang out. But finally we got a day going, I met her at her job, followed her back to her place which is ON BASE, and oh boy, I was so fucking worried about this from the get go since I don't have my license and I couldn't for the fucking life of me remember what the dick heads in the guard shack would ask for. Ashlynn thought it would be cool...but here we go, we pull up to the guard shack, she's in her own ride and I'm behind her, she explains to them what's up and I can hear the guards say; "Oh, we can't let him in if he doesn't have a military I.D, period, so we'll just have to U-turn out of here right here." So she spins around, I pull up, he asks for I.D, I give him my state I.D, he asks for a drivers license and I just kinda panic. I can't stand authority figures cuz I know they fucking judge me purely based on what I look like, I feel fucking black around authority figures. So I shuffle like I'm looking for a license and I say I don't have it on me...and the dude goes and checks the plates and stickers, and the other tough guy guard says; "DO YOU EVEN HAVE A LICENSE?" I say no, I don't have one. And he like flips off and walks into the shack angrily, like his wife just left him or something, comes back and starts giving me lip in a threatening manner that if I know it's illegal what I'm doing, and I reply back; "YEAH, I know it's illegal but I'm trying to help my friend out here." The other dude comes back and verifies that I don't have a license, he asks me why I lied to him, I reply; "I didn't lie to you, I just get nervous." He continues on and says not to lie to him ever again, asks me who owns the car and etc, gives me my I.D back, the other dude says; "I could be a prick and just call this in right now but I'm not, just U-turn and get out of here." So I happily did just that since I didn't get busted. So Ashlynn lead me to a parking lot near so she could go to her place and get some of her shit, while she went back in, she told me the dudes were VERY VERY nice and friendly to her, and they told her that she should stay away from guys like me cuz I'm a liar, and anything I told her, I was probably lying about it, and telling her that the car I was driving ain't even my car.
RANT
Fucking cock sucking faggots, ROFL at them trying to fuck up my "game" like they know me or somethin', I didn't and never lied about shit cuz I have no fucking need to. She knows enough otherwise she'd not fucking be there. But that's right, they can play their jobs all they want cuz it's their shitty fucking jobs, anywhere else, you fucking faggots, you'd have a pistol shoved in your face for your bullshit. Bitch ass faggots who can't even get laid.
CONTINUE
So she comes back and meets me and apologizes like mad cuz I was already telling her about this kinda crap before hand. She follows me back to my place, we chill, we get high, we watch flicks, we get busy. I don't think I'm too comfortable with fucking people I just met or just truly hung out with for the first time, much less it being prolonged with the whole NEW FIRST TIME type of things, cuz hours and hours go by and I'm hungry and I'm not eating and I'm tired and it's fucking early in SOME AM time. SO, I managed to have a bit of trouble like I've previously talked about with other gals. That's right, I could not get it up or maintain and erection. I do not know how this works at all, but I'm going with what I just covered cuz it has to be, some nights I can jerk off of a few times alone, or sex a couple of nuts, but almost always once on the daily. As far as I know and as far as she shared with me, regardless, she still had a good time since when I did get my soldier up and about after some dick suckin' cuz I loves me that shit, I managed to make her cum 4 times. It started slow at first on the couch with my molesting and groping for fun, and eventually got a bit more heated with going down into her pants, to removing 'em, to eating her out and fingering her, jerking off, having her jerk me off, then having her blow me, then having her pulled out to the corner of this lowered fucked position couch thing where I rammed her ass into. She jerked me and sucked me on the ground some, I got up and gave her the doggy style treatment, then got her back on the couch, I was fucking exhausted from it being so early in the AM and not having eaten anything for hours, but I still put in some hard work. Now after all of this, I didn't even get mine, after she got hers, I just kinda stopped, I felt too tired and worn out. She was willing to do more to make me bust, but I was just kinda like BLAH, and tried to go to sleep in the other room in the bed whle she crashed on the couch thing.

So after barely sleeping too much, I was up, I took a shower cuz I felt gritty as fuck, then I went back to sleep. I woke up and Ashlynn was up, we just kinda chilled and lounged around for a while. I felt much better having slept some and then eating, I wanted to bust my nut then but she was GOOD as far as the sex part went and didn't feel like giving me a BJ, fucking bummer I tell ya, but whatever, nothin' I can't jerk off to anyway, which I did as soon as she left as night fall started to come again.

You still love me? Take this, you ready? One, two, three!
Cuz the more you put me through, the more it makes me wanna come back to you. You say you hate me, I just love you more, you don't want me, I just want you more. I buy you flowers, you throw 'em at me, I know it's sad but it's making me happy. The more that you slap me, the more that it turns me on cuz you love me and I love you more.
It's sick, but who could ever predict we'd be doin' the same shit? We say we do it for our baby but we don't, we do it for us, it's lust, cuz neither one of us trusts each other so we fuck till we bust, till we cuss each other out. We know what it's about, shout till I throw you out the house, you throw me out the house, I throw you on the couch, punch you in the mouth, we fist fight till we turn this mother out and apologize after, laughter, pain, it's insane, we're back in the same chapter again and it's sad but it's true, when I'm laying here with you, there ain't nothin' anyone could ever say or ever do, cuz;
Cuz I hate you, do you hate me? Good, cuz you're so fuckin' beautiful when you're angry. It makes me wanna just take you and just throw you on the bed and fuck you like I don't even know you. You FUCK other people and I FUCK other people, you're a SLUT, but I'm equal, I'm a MUTT, we're both evil in our ways but neither one of us would ever admit it cuz one of us would have one up on the other, so forget it. We can make accusations, people spread rumors, but they ain't got proof, till they do, it's just the two of us, it's you and me. Cuz any chick can say that she's screwin' me, but you gotta believe me to a degree, cuz true indeed, if you didn't, I wouldn't be hittin', yeah I would, cuz the sex is too damn good. If I ran, who would I run to that would be this soft and warm? So it's off and on, usually more off than on, but at least we know that, we share this common bond, you're the only one I can fuck without a condom on. I hope the only reason that I cope is cuz of that fact and plus, I can bust in that, and that's why;
I can never understand it, that's why I don't try from junior high until we both die, it's silly, oh why must we try? Is it really so rough that we must always call each others Billy Goat's Gruff, try to pull each others legs until the other begs. We're lying to ourself, that's the beauty of it, yeah, cuz we truly love each other, that's why we always fight and all we do is shove each other every other fuckin' night and it's clear, it ain't gonna change, this pinned up rage we both have, we both feel like we've been upstaged by someone else, we both been someone else's someone else. The problem is neither one wants help, it's an addiction and it can't be fixed, our family's mixed up, there's a baby sister in the mix and it hurts cuz the pieces to the puzzle don't fit and anybody who thinks they knows us doesn't know shit. And they're probably just tired of hearing it all the time on every song, every lyric and every rhyme, all the hoopla, all of the woopty woo, what you put me through, fuckin' woopty do. But I won't be made a fool of, if this is true love, you wouldn't do what you did last time, you wouldn't screw up, this time, cuz this time girl, I'm tellin' you what, you do it again, I'm fuckin' you up.
No matter What you say, what you do, I'ma hunt you down till I find you. No matter where you run, I'll be right there, right behind you in your nightmares. So much for them flowers and the candy, all the times that you threw it back at me. You told me you hate me, you gon' hate me more when you find out you can't escape me whore.
-Eminem/Love You More

I didn't see Chloe that week like I had supposed to since on the picked day, she ended up doin' somethin' else and never got back to me the next day, in which I had some shit to do and take care of. I kept the place really clean cuz that's just how I am, and the dog wasn't much trouble at all. I gave her walks, and played with her a bunch, cleaned up after her and what not, but it wasn't a big deal at all. I didn't end up calling another friend either for a hang out cuz I just didn't feel like it and got lost in my own computer/gaming shit.
Christmas was upon me, I barely even remembered when or what day Christmas was on till just that week--but I drove out to the parents' place and took the bitch with me. Us poor folks don't get to have Christmas dinner this year, they could not afford it, but they spent most of their little money on the kids anyway, so whatever. I chilled there the whole day on the computer, saw my sisters kids when they came by to pick up and open their presents. My mom felt bad and was trying to scrape whatever she had to at least buy something out to eat, so I talked with my dad and asked if he wanted to treat the three of us to something, which ended up being Chinese food which was great. Yeah, that's how it is with them nowadays, manage their own moneys but live in the same house like ghosts whom don't even know each other anymore, or one does and the other doesn't, rather.
STOP
My dad had contacted me some time during the months just to vent, something that he doesn't do, which I got him to share with cunning curiosity, of which he was telling me he suspects that his wife, my mom, is cheating on him or is going to leave him. He said he knows that I, and my twin sister have told him shit before very bluntly about their "marriage" and "relationship" and I tried to explain to him yet again that their "marriage" and "relationship" had been over a long time ago. Just talked about their problems, the variables, the possibilities, what is and what isn't, regardless of how another person is going to act, and just kinda fathomed and explained based on my experiences and understanding...which I'm afraid is by far greater than his cuz he just can't accept the simple truth. I know my mom, and I know she can be a cold hearted bitch who would rather someone "GET IT" by actions and not with words, or like a lot of women in my opinion, expecting men to be psychic and shit when they really should just be saying it. I think my mom might have told him shit before, but he just wasn't getting it, but still. The truth is, well I laughed at the idea of my mom seeing someone else and told him that I highly doubt that...but I knew my mom was going to leave or move out eventually, that's not hard to know or see...but I didn't mention that part, cuz I knew it for a fact from my mom, but that's their problem, not mine. I just told my dad to expect it already, or otherwise he should just up and leave. Silly, silly humans.
CONTINUE

I left once night fall came, the dog seemed to have enjoyed herself as well with doing and seeing new things.
For my remaining days of freedom on Christmas night until that Saturday, I didn't really feel like doing anything or seeing anyone, so I did just that. I talked to Tianna some from time to time across the week, she had wanted to come back sooner since her trip, or their trip, turned into an abomination of drama and missing flights and luggage being shipped and plans not falling through and just crap crap crap, but it would've been super expensive and she just stuck it out and supposedly it wasn't that bad.
Sunday night as I recall it was when the lights went out, way to fuck up my movie watching date with The Poughkeepsie Tapes

And everything else for that matter. Luckily, my food had literally just got done heating up before the lights went out. I set up a couple of candles, had mad trouble trying to find a working flashlight and worked with some broken one, including my phone's flash light. I basically sat up for hours, getting high, playing on the DS, listening to music, just trippin' myself out in the dark until I passed out and woke the next morning to find everything being on, great.
I picked them up Saturday night from the airport, I was pretty horny since I hadn't fiddled with myself the day before, as was Tianna since it was more than a week...so in the back seat of an SUV type, with her mom driving right up front and her sister in the passenger, she was rubbing my dick some through my shorts. I can't believe I did this, but I had managed to slip my cock out and used my hat to shield the side of Tianna's head just in case any of them looked back, it'd look like she was just sleeping on me, but she was straight up blowing me. Couldn't finish until we got home, then the great sex of course happened.
I had to take care of some finger printing BS for some child care services as a favor to my mom/sisters friend to give them a helping hand with whatever, which I've been dealing with these state slow fucking assholes for a month, some early morning in the following week after Christmas and decided to go to the Beach with Tianna during, which ended up being shitty cuz it was just an overall ugly and cold day...if only it would have rained really hard, I would have swam then.

Yeah it's over, you can bet in mid october, I will still be ranting 'bout most early may. Yeah he's a winner, he's a god damn sinner while he dines I'm on the wrong side of the day. And I said; "I don't understand why I'm fumbling after."You're the reason I cannot forget this season or the letter when you first referred to it. And I said; "It's all calypso, but it's not easy to know." You walk around with your shoulders down, frownin', it's not easy to know." Yeah, you're the reason I cannot forget this season or the lesson how an ape shall not kill ape. It's just the tango, but it's not easy to show. I walk around with my horns out now, it's not easy to know. I'm, I'm, I'm going under. You can't trust a man who's a governor, ape can't trust man, you can't trust a man with a gun at all. Ape can't trust me, you can't trust me. How could you heal if you don't ease back the blame? Knowing you're right, won't you heal?
-Glassjaw/Ape Dos Mil

New Years, so this is the New Year and I don't feel any different, I have no resolutions for self assigned penance, for problems with easy solutions. I didn't make any type of plans for shit until late New Years Eve when I had gotten a message from Chadd asking me what I was gonna be up to. I figured I'd go for a drive down to the beach with Tianna in the night to burn some of these old fire works that I had from the 4th or the previous New Years, I don't even know, and to shoot off my gun and what not. I was talking to Chloe during the day and we were talking about what we were gonna do, so I had asked her if she wanted to, she could tag right on along with us if she didn't have anything better to do, which she agreed to, actually. I asked Chadd if he wanted to join on in after he got out of work, but he declined since he was getting out of a 13 hour shift or whatever other reasons, sucks. So within the time frame, ended up getting a tank of gas, Tianna paid for some burning logs, Chloe came later that night and got fucking lost in the city in which we had to go hunt for her retarded ass in the smokey silent hill-ish ghost town of the suburbs around 10:30 or so. Introduced Tianna and Chloe to each other, dropped her car off, brought her shit into the car, and off we were. Chloe was fucking smashed on all types of drugs, I could see it in her face, but she was on a roll that night with keeping us all laughing the whole night. She brought her little black bunny with her as well, little shit. I drove the bitches out all the way to the end of the island, found a nice spot on the sandy empty beach, I set up a little bonfire in the sand with the non stop heavy blowing wind. Chloe and Tianna chatted up a bunch about, I don't know, whatever females talk about, recipes and etc, hahaha, just kidding, but yeah. I popped some fireworks, Tianna did the most I guess, I ran around with the gas tank and found things to burn, ran a nice stream of fire down the beach into the ocean, tried to make flaming pit designs of some kind which failed horribly. It rained also which had us covering at the life guard shack for a bit. We left shortly after that, we all got high in the car, drove up to the mountain to give Chloe the orgasm she's always wanted, that of firing a real gun since it's been one of her latest obsessions. I was gonna do this on the beach, but the beach I wanted to go to, the gate wasn't open for some unknown reason, Nazi's. We got to a nice spot, I quickly taught her wasted ass how to hold a gun and AIM and safety, to just shoot at nothing towards the mountain to get a realistic feel, no ear plugs or any of that shit. She gave it a nice two shots and said it wasn't that bad, and I said it's probably cuz she has strong/good hands due to massaging. I took the gun back and emptied the rest of the clip at some tree's for the fuck of it, we bounced.
Long drive to the nearest city with Jack In The Box whom had the biggest fucking line ever, but we just stuck it out, ate in the parking lot, drove back home, everyone showered, chilled, gamed, movied, got high, talked, etc. Both gals dressed up in school girl outfits, so that was nice to see, too bad nothin' didn't happen like I would have wanted it to, though, haha. Chloe has brought in so much shit, that girl was scattered all over the place with shit and just her jittery ass self with disappearing out to her car for a while and coming back and just straight up dazed, both days she stayed over. Both ladies ended up passing out before I did, and I just left them there and went to sleep in another room. The next day was a whole lotta nothin', just plain old chillin' and talkin', from in the room to outside to seeing Chloe's house in her car. She ended up giving Tianna a cheap long massage as well while movies played--the bitch kept locking me out of my room whenever I went to take a piss, cunt. Her bunny just chilled and shitted all over my room, but I didn't mind it much since rabbit shit ain't no thang to easily clean up, little bastard. She left early in the AM the next day at like 4am. I slept and woke and cleaned up my bloody room, now it's beautiful again, the end. Pictures and video's;

Here's my phone's most updated and tweaked interface;

A city full of people and my favorite is that waitress and she treats me like some type of common vagrant. I see her everyday, but there's nothin' to say unless I decide to step inside of that cafe. I only get to sit if I buy somethin' to eat, otherwise it's best to keep my feet movin' down that street. And god damn, she's a hard bitch, she talks at me like I'm the bad dog that got into the garbage. Yeah, I know that the toilet is for customers, you ain't gotta tangle up the strings that make this puppet work. It doesn't have to be a game of patty cake, but it ain't like you don't know I sleep in that alleyway. And by the way, I can see it in your eyes, you're angry with your life, not a stranger to the fight. I bet you hate every man that you date and you're probably addicted to all types of escape. You take it out on me that you're all alone when you know you got your own closet full of hollow bones. Watch the tone when you speak to old folks, I'm grown, just tryin' to get outta this Minnesota cold.

Look lady, I'm homeless, I'm crazy, I'm so hopeless, I'm suicidal daily. If you and I can't coexist, let's fake it, cuz I ain't got the energy it takes for this relationship.

I'm waitin' for a city bus to flatten me and transport me to the ever after happily. Maybe reincarnated with luck, come back to Earth as a cockroach in your tip cup. She said she's had it up to here, she's gonna call authorities if I don't disappear. I love her threats, it rejuvenates my breath, I give her stress for the reaction that it gets. I got a pocket full of clean handled money on a cup of bad coffee and a stale honey bun. In front of everyone, she calls me bum, but she notices my absence on them afternoons I don't come. So here I am, thorn in her hip, holding down the corner table all morning with some corn chips. Ignoring the insults and evil eyes, I feed off of 'em, I wonder when she'll realize that she's the only reason I visit, the only woman in my world that acknowledges my existence. And if my ship ever comes, I'll miss it because I'm gettin' old and I ain't got much left to give it. So there it is and I have to live with it, I had the chance to make a difference, but I didn't. In the cafe bathroom drinking free tap water, thinkin', damn, I should've been a better father to my daughter.

-Atmosphere/The Waitress

Now I see the funny side, now I'm always smiling

Mon, 24 Nov 2008 16:09:14 GMT

Another month, another post. Here I am again, I live to type-write another day, or night. First and foremost, still no job. I guess I haven't been trying hard enough, well, hard enough in the sense of trying to apply myself at mcdonald's and the rest of the similar jobs, since there doesn't seem to be much in the particular fields that I'm interested in that aren't over qualified with wanting to know what your shit tastes like per serving.
So, as my saved money is dwindling, I can't really afford to pay rent anymore unless something comes up. So, I've now a firm decision to stay here or move back on home with my dysfunctional parents who'd not mind at all until I got back on my feet. Having spoken with Tianna's mom, she said she'd rather me stay here instead of going back out to that city since there's nothing out there, and just keep a tab of what to pay back. Cool and all, but I don't like the feeling at all. There was even some brief drama with Tianna's dad, he was basically trying to pull some strings with some people he knows to get me a job, once again, cool and all, but in lieu of a conversation that he had with Tianna while I was driving, he got extremely pissy and questionable cuz his original plans didn't go the way he said it would. I was supposed to receive a call on a particular day which never happened, so he made it happen the next day while we were heading out to a beach gathering that I'll talk about later. Well the problem with that is, my phone wouldn't catch reception out there, she was trying to tell him this and why wasn't the call made as planned and he started bitching her out about his reputation cuz I don't seem interested cuz I wanted more details and blah blah blah, whilst my sitting there and I can hear all of this crap. So that twisted my stomach, I told Tianna fuck it, it's off, I don't want his 'threatening' help. He was saying some shit that, what if Tianna's mom gave me an ultimatum to find a job or take this job or get out(Also good to note, Tianna's mom and dad have been separated for a while, he lives in California with his new younger foreign wife.) He was talking in a threatening manner as if he still had pull, and that's the way it was going to be and he'd convince his ex-wife to do so. So when they got done, I repeated again, if his contact calls me, I ain't answering it cuz I don't want his fucking 'help'.
Tianna tells me later that he called her mom and pretty much told her what I should be doing cuz I'm a grown man, that I should be manning up and stepping up to the plate in bending over to anyone for a cheap buck, yeah, real easy for him to say when he just easily enlisted himself into the military and had a set disciplined path paved all nicely for him. Going on with if Tianna wants to 'be' with a person(loser) like me etc. Tianna's mom is strict in thinking in her own ways too, and the way I hear it, she used to be the major cunt one(probably due to her long time marriage failure), but has changed since and is a lot nicer...but she's still strict in her ways, she questioned me as well as to why I didn't care to get a license, cuz she thinks I should cuz I'm 25. I pretty much told her; Uhh, I know people older than me that don't have their license, does that make them less of a man? Drivers license qualifies you as being a man? I think it's pretty silly, I know she's just being helpful and I'm just being stubborn cuz I see no point in owning a license if I don't own a car, regardless that I do drive a lot, I'm just bitter at the stupid fucking system and the shear idiocy behind it, fucking judging bar code bullshit. Any who, whatever, I said I'd make better effort to get one cuz I should just 'get over it' to supposedly open more job doors whom require it for I don't know what kinda reasons, parking/getting there on time to work for the corporations railroad making service.

I believe I can see the future, cuz I repeat the same routine. I think I used to have a purpose, then again, that might have been a dream. I think I used to have a voice, now I never make a sound. I just do what I’ve been told, I really don’t want them to come around, oh, no. Every day is exactly the same, every day is exactly the same. There is no love here and there is no pain, every day is exactly the same. I can feel their eyes are watching in case I lose myself again. Sometimes I think I’m happy here, sometimes, yeah, I still pretend. I can’t remember how this got started, but I can tell you exactly how it will end. I’m writing on a little piece of paper, I’m hoping someday you might find. Well, I’ll hide it behind something they won’t look behind. I am still inside here, a little bit comes bleeding through, I wish this could have been any other way, but I just don’t know, I don’t know, what else I can do. Every day is exactly the same, every day is exactly the same. There is no love here and there is no pain, every day, exactly the same, there is no love, there's nothing, every day is the same.
-Nine Inch Nails/Every Day Is Exactly The Same

Then there's me, it's not like I don't know, I am a grown man now, I'm 25 fucking years old, living with some girl whom I'm not in a per say 'normal' relationship with, and her mom. I've been paying rent since forever, I never fuck around with that shit or any of my bills for that matter. I had to put off on my awesome college school loan with a deferment to help save whatever I had saved. At the time I had lost my job, I had received the sweet Alienware laptop(worst customer service ever by the way, went through hell and back just to get a refund on a keyboard replacement swap), so that became one of my last bills from a credit card that I'm still paying, but since I selected such an awesome CC with low ass APR rates, it's not that big of a deal on payments. Those're my only real bills, it isn't much, well, the school one is huge, but hey. Not to mention, I owe Tianna like 4,000. for pulling me out of my 'mistake' credit card debt with bank of nazi america, man, they sure know how to lure you in young to rape you in the ass. But, I had a steady plan back then with that, which is what afforded me a car...that got stolen and left me in debt, so, yeah, love life. Paying at those APR rates, it would've taken 36 some years to pay it off at my payments. I'm glad for what she did, but it pisses me off that I can't be paying her back as planned due to losing my job...although of course she swears it's all OKAY and blah fucking blah pay me back later. My hate for this system has grown so vastly, this stupid fucking monetary system of pillage someone else to further gain for myself. That's truly the way it is, someone has to be the one to get shit on, why should I play in such a dirty system? I ponder this to myself often and question if I want to even play mostly by these rules anymore or not, constantly, do I want to cross MORE over that risky line for the sakes of money? Everyone's a god damn slave to money, the hands behind the root of all evil, and the brain is the selected monopoly control freak individuals, humans--it's sickening, I can't be the only one who see's and knows this? Is everyone A-OK with this crap?
But I'm still here, do I sit and stare, and continue to try? Do I bite the bullet and blow my fucking brains out? Do I become this worlds dark knight instead? I want to keep trying, but I'm not being left with many options here, so I really don't know.
I've really no ambition for anything in life but to have a good time until I die in whichever way that is. I really don't give a fuck if I'm classified as a "loser" or "bum" by anyone, simply cuz I'm not playing ball in their courts of what they and the rest of the world think is right. I can't stand most of these fascist slavery jobs and their slavery pay for 'obedient robots' even though I'll keep trying anyway. I do know I've not enjoyed most of my life, save the past years that have gone by, on the MORE scale that is. It's not like Tianna, or anyone else for that matter, wasn't aware of this, hence my saying; Why not lose that hero and come with this zero?
What is enough to you, people? When is having enough, enough?

So, that's what I've been dealing with in my head lately, daily, nightly, hourly, always. Besides that and my weird sleeping patterns, things have been great.
Oh, and now what's become higher up on my priority list after them bills, somehow shelling out a few more grand to by an assault rifle before that idiot obama strikes his wrath on innocent people with his gun control laws--criminals don't get their guns legally, nor are they robbing individuals with AR's and AK's, or is highly unlikely. So why should I be able to own one? Cuz it's not absolutely devastating like a nuke, but if soldiers can have 'em, I should be able to have 'em, for sport or collecting, or any possibility, say criminals whom do have them, I'd want to be able to defend myself on the same caliber, much more the gov's.

Now where to start with the great and good times. I guess I'll start out with Dani, a friend of Tianna's. Tianna has made a new friend and they seem to get along very well and it's a great thing since she, and her new found friend, aren't very friendly-making with most people, AKA socially awkward that they are, or just damning with majority of idiots out there, since I can relate and agree to that myself. The funny or weird thing is, is that I've talked to this girl a long time ago, three years ago, online, so we kinda had a feel/knew each other. So it wasn't long until Tianna hung out with her and she was hanging out with me as well, and we'd just drive around at first, and then just sit around in awkward silences or chatty-chattyness, or music. She's a strange girl in her ways, but aren't we all, so it's really no big deal, she's cool. We've all hung out twice or was it thrice? I can't even recall. But I remember the last hang out vividly, simply cuz we took her marijuana virginity! She was hesitant at first but didn't seem to give a fuck later...and kept saying she couldn't feel anything and kept wondering if she were high or not and then...she started laughing to herself for no reason, and that went on for quite some time, yep, you must've talked to God. It appears she enjoyed the experience, not to mention the sleep since she sleeps like shit. Oh, and I have to note that she wore a really hooker-like hot outfit that made me want to slip roofies into her drink, but yeah, haha. But, Tianna and her are closet dykes, so fuck them both, stupid bitches.

What else, I recall some night where I just felt I had to get out of the house, it was at some late night hour on a week day. Tianna was if not but almost passed out and I asked her if she wanted to go to a ride, destination; no where. I basically just drove around half the island, the half that I don't know so well but didn't care, and sorta got remotely lost but that was the point, I didn't care if I got lost, and just drove around. It was a long fucking drive, but it was grand at the time just to get out for some reason. I recall stopping on the side of the road near a cliff of a look out and taking a piss in the wind, stupid video a pictures being shot which I may upload, eating at zippys for breakfast at 4am or whatever.

I don't think I did anything on Halloween, or I can't recall anything at the moment...or was that one of the nights we hung out with Dani? I think it was. Randomly one night, it rained really hard, hard enough to hear it inside of my cave...I love hard rain, so I went out in it at exactly midnight, and enjoyed it thoroughly although it was freezing. Tianna followed suit too, stupid girl. But I stood in the heavy drench for a while, went for a little walk etc, really enjoyed myself.

Some days later, my family was having a scheduled BBQ for my sister whom was visiting from California, Jeanne, and it was supposed to be a party for my uncle Jason's kid, but they ended up calling off on their end cuz their kids got sick. We stayed at the beach for hours and hours, probably cuz it was cloudy and the sun wasn't out, not to mention there was waves too. My cousin Alfredo came out as well, but that bitch ass didn't get into the water at all, I don't even know why he came, while my other cousin Vincent begged him all day to go diving with him, haha. My sisters were all there eventually minus the youngest whom recently moved to California, my other uncle, even my dad managed to show up way later. Vincent smoked us out beforehand, so it was fucking grand being in the waves like that, probably why we didn't notice the time fly. It's rare to see my dad in the ocean, let alone my sisters boyfriend, which both happened on this day. Can never argue with the food of course, great ghetto shit. My sisters kids terrorized me in this little pond thing, Jayden repeatedly insisted on drowning me by smothering my head into the water/sand, and used me as a jumping board. After the long day, I was beat. That night we hung out with Dani again, which was the time we all smoked out I believe, crazy shit, I was beat the next day and the next. Soon after that, I got sick with the same shit that I was just sick with weeks ago, ugh, but it wasn't as bad since I caught it early with meds. I'm still sick as I'm typing this, but it's going away and getting better, annoying sinus and throat bullshit, must've been those cold days with the beach and the rain or someone else who was sick. That's another thing with my sleeping schedule, it's been all over the fucking place, I hardly even sleep from time to time, but since I've been sick, I slept some days for 4 hours, others for 6, and one day, it was 12 hours--that's a fuckin' life time record for me, I've never slept that long.

So let's face it, this was never what you wanted, but I know it's fun to pretend. Now blank stares and empty threats are all I have, they’re all I have. So drown me if you can or we could just have conversation. And I fall, I fall, I falter, but I found you before I drift away. Now you still speak of day old hate, though your whole world has gone up into flames. And isn't it great to find that you're really worth nothing and how safe it is to feel safe? The things we do just to stay alive, the things we do just to stay alive, the things we do just to keep ourselves alive.
-Dallas Green/Day Old Hate

I was planning to pick hang out dates with Chloe and Chadd for some days last week for if and when they were available, but went against it since I got sick, but I later found out that Chadd got sick himself anyway, fucking everyone's sick, god damn you government, stop releasing viruses into the system to bank more money on meds/insurance! Haha. I was also supposed to hang out with another friend, whom I've talked about before on here, Ashlynn, during that same week which would have been a shitty idea since the very day we had picked to kick it, that very night is when my sickness came on in. We ended up canceling cuz we both wanted to have weed to make the hang out more fun with doing whatever it is we'd be doing. So that worked out just well, but may really happen again some time soon since both issues have been or are being covered. She basically contacted me randomly saying we should kick it before her latest drug, World of Warcraft, Wrath of The Lich King was released, and I had met her at her job to talk story with her while I pretended to ask for 'assistance' as we browsed through shit and talked about unrelated shit and had made plans. Here's that creepy un-aware camera shot that Tom loves doing to people;

I recall some day where I picked up my lil cousin Chucky, or Chucky-boy, and brought 'em over to my place to enjoy the video games and the big screen TV. Talk about spoiled that kid was for the hours he was here, and experiencing online gaming with headsets and grand theft auto for the first time, kid had a fucking blast, he was even making friends with other nerdy kids on there, doing random shit. I feel bad for 'em since he moved in with other family members who are highly religious and don't believe in video games or some whack ass shit like that, god damn control freaks. How do you do that to a hardcore gamer? Insane, ya wonder why the kids got issues.

I recall a sex act with Tianna that was never really done in that way, it's not cuz I haven't thought of it cuz I've done it before with others, but randomly I was watching some porn, feeling a bit horny, and I told Tianna to straddle my face. I didn't like always telling her what to do or to try new things or yada yada simply cuz it was boring for me to lead everything since she's not aware or doesn't watch porn the way I do. So, it just kinda happened randomly, I had her straddle and grind my face, use my mouth as a masturbater, practically. I told her to masturbate, and use my mouth to make herself cum, which I think she was having a hard time doing cuz that's just how she is, but eventually pulled it off and left my face in juices. Now I'll admit it now, I'm not the man who eats pussy like it's ice cream or anything, I mean I don't mind doing it, but I have my times.

Oh, Tianna got her Christmas present 'early' from her mom and decided to get a new phone, the newly released HTC Touch Pro phone from Sprint. But oh wait, her birthday present wasn't in an equal amount to the pitched dollar, so she decided to get two of them, one of them is for me.

I wrote a mini review of sorts on it with more pictures which can be found at http://systom.org or http://systom.org/?p=294
She basically had this done early because I keep up with the latest hoopla on tips and tricks and what not and found out it was possible to duplicate an account with the exact same price and services, but under my account. So after some research and my own skills, I gave it a shot and went to work and was able to pull it off when supposedly it's not supposed to be doable anymore, but I was pretty pleased to have pulled that off cuz it's the best plan and services there is out there, nothing else can really compare. I was weary if these plans were even going to be possible to put on these new phones since Sprint fucked out these type of accounts on one of their new phone's, the Samsung Instinct. But everything worked out swell for the most part, sprint fucked up on using a slow ass shipping method instead of a fast UPS/fedex one, in which I heavily bitched over and they wouldn't do anything about. Later on, I found out that they made some sort of mistake on my account and for some reason I have a nearly 1,000. credit on my account...I verified this in all ways, and I plan to let it sit out of course cuz that'll pay both of ours bills for more than a year if they don't fix it, greatness. 'Course Tom with electronics, I sought ways to tweak and hack it to my liking and have found some nifty things, and nifty programs at that, my little obsession for a short time. It's probably the best phone I've owned to date, dope shit, and Tianna loves her's as well, since she's always settled for second or third best in anything.

For her 21st, she's going to vegas and is dragging me along with her, haha, that'll happen next year in march probably.

Games, a shit ton of new video games came out, of which I knew I wasn't gonna be able to get. So I decided to pirate a bunch of them cuz they're duplicated and played just as well on my Alienware versus the game console, minus one game; Call of Duty: World At War, it seems Tianna had a trick up her sleeve to buy me the game since she knows how much I love me some Call of Duty. I'll start with that game first, it's back to WW2 type of shit which is a turn off in my opinion cuz it's heavily out done already, but what can I say, this game has pulled it off better than anything else I've played, WW2 related that is. So it's no Call of Duty 4: Modern Warfare, but it's still fun nonetheless since it plays on COD4's same system. So I've been playing that more over COD4 since it's hot and new. I finally got more into the PC game Crysis, which started to run horribly on my system at certain stages, which is why I kinda stopped along with one of the stages I was on which was terribly annoying. For some reason, the douchebags at Alienware have no updates for my GPU since like 2007, so I did some heavy research and found out that it was possible to run FORCED/modified hack to the GPU to make it update to the latest NVIDIA released shit. I, of course, made sure everything was as safe as could be, but always with some risk, and tried it on out, and it worked fine and I was able to patch my GPU to a much better released forceware, which made the game and other games run way way better on my system. Since that helped fix up Crysis, I finished Crysis, I've gotta say that is one of the most Epic single player games I have ever played as far as action/1st person shooters go, fucking brilliant. Besides those, I copped Farcry 2, Dead Space, Gears of War 1, Fallout 3, and I've put little to no game play in any of those just yet thanks to World At War. Microsoft also released their new avatar system for Xbox Live, here's my shit;

Politics, my my my, I don't even wanna go there with you fucking idiots out there who voted and is praising Obama like he was the second coming just cuz he knows how to talk or the CHANGE(the color of his skin) that he kept talking about which means not a fucking thing cuz anyone with a BRAIN see's him as just a man, and a man more than capable of following practically the same policies as bush did, practically on a lot of the same shit that he is in agreement with McCain over--it was a lose/lose voting situation in my opinion...besides, history has taught us one thing, and it's that it's a failed system, so why vote at all? Let's make real change and not vote at all. Sadly, the only politician I ever liked was Ron Paul, and they buried his ass a while back, way to go Americans. For those who want to use the dumbass line of; OH IF YOU DIDN'T VOTE YOU DON'T HAVE THE RIGHT TO COMPLAIN, well you got it all wrong, take it from my main dead man, George Carlin, another man with a brain that makes more sense than any God I've ever read of;

Welcome to Hollywood girl, wake the fuck up in Hollywood whore. Combine the throbbing in my head with the rhythm of my fucking feet. Said a novena for all those lost and READ THE BLOODSTAINS ON THE SHEETS! I've whored myself for less than this and I've prayed to appear fed as I knelt on my pillow, God, I CLENCHED MY FUCKING FISTS AND BANGED MY HEAD! Who could ever, who the fuck could ever take the place of me? Undone. Who could ever, who the fuck could ever take the place of me? Right here. I kiss up to God, my fists, and I pray to keep my head, though I like your pretty eyes better BLACKENED AND MY FISTS ALL FUCKING RED! NOW THROUGH SICKNESS AND IN HEALTH, I'VE KISSED UP TO GOD, THESE TWO YEARS, I'VE FOCUSED ON THE CAMEOS MADE BY THE TIGER IN THE VALLEY OF THE FUCKING LOCUST! Say, who could ever, say, who the fuck could ever even fake the place of me? WIPE FROM YOUR MOUTH, GET UP OFF YOUR KNEES AND MAKE ME YOUR GOD, WHO COULD EVER, WHO THE FUCK COULD EVER? SEXUAL DEBAUCHERY YOU FUCKING CUNT, YOU FUCKING WHORE, YOU COST WHAT YOU'RE WORTH FOLLOWED BY A BOY LIKE THIS, RE-IGNITED BY ALL YOUR VISITS! AS LONG AS YOUR MOUTH IS SHUT, YOU'LL STILL BE FUCKING BEAUTIFUL!
Pack your shit and leave, I don't need to know, and take my memories of her with you. And take her fucking with you.
-Glassjaw/Motel Of The White Locust

That's just the way it is

Thu, 02 Oct 2008 14:22:02 GMT

This is where I try to remember what the fuck I've been up to since the last entry.
Where to start, where to start...maybe I better skim through what I last wrote first.
I see, oh yeah, well, that didn't fucking help! Haha.

We'll take it easy, tigers in a cage. Pacing on our pads and waiting for the time to come in reverie, our lazy bones ache for our dowry. Can't hold on to the thrill, so I hope you find your will to follow through. What we invented, I am now ending. Hold on to who you love, we are tryin' to blow like dust since we were young, what we invented, I am now ending. The closest thing we had to royalty, a chance to break our parent's pattern. We chose to keep your teenage tragedy in lieu of their romantic palace. Play tender like a new born baby would, play tender till the night is over. I'm leaving you to nurture cherished wounds and care for it just like your lover, yeah. The morning's over, the day is in full swing. I know you're busy, but please won't you come visit me? You are an aimless ghost, you haunt your bag of bones. The wolf messed with your vision, he is sitting in your kitchen while you sleep tonight, he will eat you young and you will act surprised.
-Brand New/Fork And Knife

I did end up hanging out with Chloe again for a couple of days, ha.

^Groupie and blender magazine.

^And you know I ain't one to fuck wiiith.

I recall a beach day with Tianna, and to my mom's place where I moshed in the rain with my nephew Jayden, and hung him over a ledge to see a huge centipede. What the fuck is up with centipedes and that place?

What else is on the list...I hung out with my uncle Jason and cousin's a couple of days in a row over the past weekend. It was pretty cool, yet again, I broke my no weed smoking thang...but I figure it was for a good reason of which I'll talk about later. Hanging out with my family isn't something I do much, more or so, it's usually just Alfredo, or bigger events with everyone. So I take Tianna's white ass with me to my uncle/aunt's Jason's/Heather's place, with my cousin's; Alfredo&Eva, Alexander&Cici+kids, Vincent&his GF(which I can never remember her name), Jason's friend Josh. It basically consisted of drunk moke types talking shit and listening to music and being loud, getting high, zoning out and watching CSI. Even Tianna did some shots and drank one of those light bitch drinks, I just got highhhhhhhh and it was grand, good laughs. I recall sleeping at 2am or so, and then awaking at 7am, and got a call from Alfredo at that time asking if I wanted to go to the beach. SO, off we went. Tianna came with, picked up Alfredo, went all the way down to the west side beaches, 'course we were the first there so we ate some of that BBQ plate lunch shit. Everyone from the previous night showed up eventually, some of them went diving, we just swam, played with the kids, etc. Stayed at the beach for quite some time and was catching a lot of sun. Eventually we left before everyone else cuz we got too much sun. Sun burnt for the next few days.

So the reason I decided to smoke some pot again at these events was simple, I NEEDED SLEEP! I needed to get back on a normal sleeping schedule, my sleeping schedule has been absolutely fucked and it still is. I'm talkin', I've been staying up until 10AM-12PM, sleeping anywhere from those times and waking up at 4-6PM, night schedule and shit. It didn't help as much as Id've liked it to because I was so exhausted, and I needed to stay up to fit the times but I ended up failing with naps and shit. But, the reason was because I had gotten a JOB! It's a project based job that I heard about via EMAIL, so it would only be for a few days of work, or more if needed for an IT based position for another company--plus anything in the future with other companies. The pay was 16/hr, although just temporary+the experience, I was like, what the hell, why not? They contacted me, we talked back and forth over email or the phone with figuring shit out, spoke to a few different people around the nation. So I had a job date set for this week Thursday, or Today, and Friday. A day later, the original person I spoke to, his manager contacted me regarding another position, an earlier one, for TUESDAY, but it was on MAUI. Everything was paid for, flight, cab, food, etc for the day. I was hesitant at first because I've never been to Maui and it was so sudden, this was all just last weekend, but I accepted anyway, cuz why the hell not? So Tuesday quickly came, but before that, I had to prep and go buy some new faggy clothes. That's right, the black shoes, black slacks, although I bought a black long sleeve collared button up, I had another blue silk one that I used for the trip instead. After a haircut, I tried working with my hair and MOUSSE for the first time, in which I didn't go with that after all on the trip cuz I was like fuck it.

^Something you'll almost never see, or never see.

Her green plastic watering can for her fake Chinese rubber plant in the fake plastic earth that she bought from a rubber man in a town full of rubber plans to get rid of itself. It wears her out, it wears her out, it wears her out, it wears her out. She lives with a broken man, a cracked polystyrene man who just crumbles and burns. He used to do surgery for girls in the eighties, but gravity always wins, and it wears him out, it wears him out. It wears him out, it wears him out. She looks like the real thing, she tastes like the real thing, my fake plastic love. But I can't help the feeling, I could blow through the ceiling if I just turn and run, and it wears me out, it wears me out. It wears me out, it wears me out. And if I could be who you wanted, if I could be who you wanted, all the time, all the time.
-Radiohead/Fake Plastic Trees

By the time Monday came, I started feeling SLIGHTLY sick, didn't think much of it until after a nap and in came the sinus burns. I barely slept Monday night at all, a good 2-4 hours maybe, the rest spent twisting and turning until it was time to get ready and go. Swung by 7-11 to get drugs cuz I felt the sickness coming on, Dayquil all the way baby. Eventually got on my flight at 6:30AM, arrived in Maui around 7:00AM(what the fuck is it with EVERYONE carrying a Starbucks cup at airports?), caught a cab for the first time to my destination which wasn't too far from the airport. There was a Mcdonalds near the place and it was early, had breakfast there. I went to the business building plaza, met up with the Woman I was supposed to see there to start working on their computers with hardware surveying with HP, I was the only one there with about 15 machines to do. The work in itself was not that hard to me, just had to break some ground and get used to it the first couple of times, and deal with a couple of smaller errors, write down some shit, and map out the place in a quick shitty sketch. I met a bunch of the workers there, stock brokers, mortgage type big business people, some pretty interesting to break into conversation with while I take over their computers for a while to work on. I was naturally nervous the whole time of travel to going there to being there, but then it subsided after a while. I got all my work done really quick though, I was out of the place by 1:00PM after going over some forms and faxing it out, and phone call verifications with the higher ups. My flight wasn't until near 5:00PM, so I had some lunch at Mcdonalds, text messages, going over some forms and emails etc. I left there around 2pm with the same cabby, I didn't know what else to do there really, nor did I wanna spend money for it. I know my uncle lives in Maui, but I figured what's a few hours, right? So I didn't bother callin' 'em, cuz I don't think he lived near the airport anyway. So I just went back to the airport, set up my laptop on their pay-for-internet-access table, and just hooked it up to my cellphone to surf the net for free, chumps. That's all I pretty much did to kill the remaining time, internet-ing, and listening to music, and having to deal with mass retards walking around me and or hovering briefly to go "OH INTERNET", much less all the looks I get for all my tats once I unbuttoned my shirt, and later removed it. By the time I got back to Oahu, I was feeling like absolute shit, completely sick and exhausted. AT LEAST I GOT THE JOB DONE! Went home, forced myself to eat somethin', more meds, and I passed out and woke up at some early AM time, feeling more horrid than ever. Bad sinus infection, headaches, nausea, dizziness, swollen/scratchy throat, the whole works. This was my decision if I was going to work on Thursday/Friday or not, I forwarned the company the day before cuz I recognized the symptoms and I know it'd be bad. So I called off my next two working days, pretty pissed about that cuz I lose out on the opportunities, but I can't work feeling like that, fuck. So here's a couple of pics and a couple of vids. Vids are from the plane's window, first one is arriving to Maui, second one is landing in Oahu. Pictures, wing view, and then krispy kremes cuz I've never had fresh donuts from them guys, Tianna was telling me to go get some but I felt like shit and I didn't know where the place was until my cab ride back to the airport, I saw it, so I got it for her, a picture anyway, haha.

So, here I am, spent the day popping meds, watching shit, drinking juice, sleeping, whatever the fuck else you do when you're sick. Had to fill out a shit ton of forms as well, which Tianna took care of for me, thank fuck, but I still had to go to a bank to get a form notarized, ugh, but that didn't take too long. Dayquil pills get me by temporarily, nyquils for the sleeping but I've yet to do that since I keep napping and end up sleeping for long hours without knowing, probably good for me though...except I passed out way earlier today, and just woke up around 11PM. I guess that's all for now, onward with my sick ass self, coughing up/blowing out blood and shit, I think I caught this sickness from Alfredo cuz he said he had the same thing...OH, maybe I shouldn't have finished his food for him? FUCK, haha. -fills up trashcan next to me with a barrel of used napkins-

P.S. I've been writing a shit ton more on my web blog at http://systom.org, if you like tech related shit, and or SEX, gadgets, games, funny shit, inked bitches, or just Tom writing in all alike, check it out, I try to keep it updated and post somethin' at least once a day, minus the past few since I've been busy and sick. Guest writers from my pal's Danny and Chadd as well, even though Chadd is yet to write, but he'll get to it when he's not busy.
DOUBLE P.S. HOT DAMN!

TRIPLE P.S. Watch this if you have the time, well maybe you should because you fucking live here on planet earth and probably in America, this involves everyone. So no excuses you fucking fearful animals. FREEDOM. FOREVER.

[Chorus: Lil Wayne]
And I'm grindin' until I'm tired, cuz they say you ain't grindin' until you die. So I'm grindin' with my eyes wide, looking to find a way through the day, a light for the night. Dear Lord, you done take so many of my people, I'm just wonderin' why you haven't taken my life? Like what the hell am I doing right? My life.
[Verse 1: The Game]
Take me away from the hood like a state penitentiary, take me away from the hood in the casket or a Bentley. Take me away like I overdosed on cocaine or take me away like a bullet from Kurt Cobain, suicide. I'm from a Windy City, like "Do or Die" from a block close to where Biggie was crucified. That was Brooklyn's Jesus, shot for no fuckin' reason, and you wonder why Kanye wears Jesus pieces? My life. Cuz that's Jesus people and Game, he's the equal. Hated on so much, "Passion of Christ" need a sequel. Yeah, like Roc-a-fella needed Sigel, like I needed my father, but he needed a needle. My life. I need some meditation, so I can lead my people. They askin' “Why?" Why did John Lennon leave The Beatles and why every hood nigga feed off evil? Answer my question before this bullet leave this Desert Eagle.
[Chorus: Lil Wayne]
[Verse 2: The Game]
We are not the same, I am a Martian, so approach my Phantom doors with caution. You see them 24's spinnin'? I earned 'em, and all the pictures of me and EM, I burned em. So it ain't no proof that I ever walked through 8 mile, and since it ain't no proof, I'll never walk through 8 mile. Sometimes I think about my life with my face down, then I see my sons and put on that Kanye smile. My life. Damn, I know his mama proud and since you helped me sell my dream, we can share my mama now, and like MJB, "No More Drama" now. Livin’ the good life, me and Common on common ground, I spit crack and niggas could drive it outta town. Got a Chris Paul mind state, I'm never outta bounds. My life used to be empty like a glock without a round, now my life full, like a chopper with a thousand rounds.
[Chorus: Lil Wayne]
[Verse 3: The Game]
Walk through the gates of Hell, see my Impala parked in front with the high beams on. Me and the Devil share chronic blunts, listening to the "Chronic" album, playing backwards, shootin’ at pictures of Don Imus for target practice. My mind fucked up, so I cover it with a Raider hood, I'm from the city that made you motherfuckers afraid of Suge, Compton. Made my grandmother pray for good and never made her happy, but I bet that new Mercedes could. My life. Ain't no bars, but niggas can't escape the hood, they took so many of my niggas that I should hate the hood. But it's real niggas like me that make the hood, ridin' slow in that Phantom just the way I should. My life. With the top back in my Sox hat, I'm paid in full, the nigga Alpo couldn't stop tha. Even if they brought the nigga 'Pac back, I'll still keep this motherfucker cocked back.
[Chorus: Lil Wayne]
My life.
-The Game(feat. Lil Wayne)/My Life

^The first song I dig that has Lil Wayne in it, amazing.

GONNA GO PLAY SOME BLACK MONOPOLY NOW, PEACE!

Till then, just sit your drunk ass on that fucking runway, hoe.

Mon, 08 Sep 2008 04:12:45 GMT

Well you done done me and you bet I felt it. I tried to be chill but you're so hot that I melted, I fell right through the cracks and now I'm trying to get back. Before the cool done run out, I'll be giving it my bestest and nothing's going to stop me but divine intervention, I reckon it's again my turn to win some or learn some. I won't hesitate no more, no more, it cannot wait, I'm yours. Well open up your mind and see like me, open up your plans and damn you're free, look into your heart and you'll find love love love. Listen to the music of the moment, maybe sing with me, a'la, peaceful melody, it's our God forsaken right to be loved, love, loved, love, loved. So I won't hesitate no more, no more, it cannot wait, I'm sure, there's no need to complicate, our time is short, this is our fate, I'm yours. I've been spending way too long checking my tongue in the mirror and bending over backwards just to try to see it clearer, my breath fogged up the glass and so I drew a new face and laughed. I guess what I'm saying is there ain't no better reason to rid yourself of vanity and just go with the seasons. It's what we aim to do, our name is our virtue. Listen to the music of the moment and come and dance with me, the sky is yours.
-Jason Mraz/I'm Yours
^It's rare that I like songs out of my particular genre(s), but I dig this song.

Nothing too new regarding the personal since the previous--I mean, a few job apps here and there, but no real luck yet. I'm not really worried about it, I could probably get by a whole 'nother month without a job, not that I'd wanna stretch it that long cuz after that, well, I'll be out of moola. I'm not one for free loading or not paying rent, but I'd still feel bad and work out somethin', whether I get out and move back to the old ghetto home and spiral downwards from there, or work out something for when I do get a job. Bleh, not worried about it right now, can't be, will continue to look though. It's also worth noting that my sleeping habits have been absolute shit, sometimes, I don't even sleep anymore and I stay up till the sun comes up, it pisses me off cuz I hate that. So, I've resorted to drugging myself with nyquil if I need to be up early the next morning for anything, but nyquil next mornings aren't that pleasant either unless you get 10 hours of sleep.

Something out of the ordinary happened, pretty random at that. It's not often, or at all, that this kinda shit happens with me. I met someone from a forums that I go to, a uhh, "hacker" based type of forum, which is what makes it strange. For anyone who's heard of Miley Cyrus has probably heard of the Miley Cyrus hack with her scandalous photos being released to the inter-world. The person whom released it, did it through this particular forums which gave it a shit ton of hits, meaning new users jumping on board, whether temporary or staying. So I met this person from this new age wave because I had noticed the location being from Honolulu Hawaii, me being the curious one wondering who the fuck else is from Hawaii on this board, cuz it was no one else that I knew of, anyway. I messaged, we did a couple of those into an AIM conversation, and yeah, it was a real person, turns out this person was a SHE, and she was just sticking around for a bit cuz she's interested in hacking and is in love with the person who started the site, known as Bryce Case, or YTCRACKER, even though she'll decline to being a groupie(rofl) but it ain't hard to see the "nerd life" love.
But anyway, we chatted a bunch, I guess we just seem to click in ways and it's just cool like that, so after, or rather, on the second day of chatting with this broad about random whatevers, come late that night or early morning, around 2AM, we make a trade--a massage for weed. Turns out our dear friend who's name is Chloe, is a professional massage therapist--I've never had one of those before, probably cuz I'd never pay for one. Since I've been off the drug, I figure I get rid of whatever else I have left as I have been doing. This part alone is normally against me, I never meet someone from the net without knowing them longer, let alone two days, but I guess I was just, whatever, didn't care.
On a separate note, I once told Danny that there'd probably be one way that I'd smoke weed again, that is if I hung out with a new female and we got high, cuz, I just can't seem to resist that type of thing.
So that's what happened, after a month of shitty sobriety, I got hiiiigh.
REWIND
So I met her at the mall nearby, followed me back to my place. Beforehand she said she'd bring movies, cuz, she's a movie freak, straight down to the bone with quoting like her name was Tom. We watched Dewey Cox first since I've never seen it, fucking hilarious. Whilst doing so and before doing so, chatting here and there and in between, and I smoked a bowl, she rolled her's with tobacco. I can't quite remember if it was between the 2nd or 3rd movie where I began molesting her hair(already saw the other 2 movies so it didn't matter much, just for the laughs) and hair play turned into holding turned into laying down and--and I don't recall where the massage came in at, but it came in some where and was amazing. I recall laying face down on the ground at first, while a movie played, she massaged away, she has great hands, I'll get more to that later. After like, an hour or two of that shit with switching positions to hit different muscles and etc and feeling like a limp noodle of goodness, it was during another movie.
So I got this information later from her, apparently she wanted to jump my bones some hours ago after all the movies but didn't know how to approach it, and even casts blame on me cuz it's my "home turf" so I'm supposed to make the moves or something? Little did she know, Tom doesn't really make moves unless he's ascertained and probably by communication at that, just how I am, So I pretty much explained to her how I was during conversation, it came like so; Ya either wanna fuck or you don't, it's always the females choice, never mines." She hesitated, said yeah, and it began. It started from talking about something else that she said of which I can't recall and my getting horny from it and just stating I'd love to ram her right about now, rofl.
STOP
So Tianna sends me a text asking if she can hang out with us, also stating knowingly that it's awkward and all but she's just got nothing better to do...I thought it was stupid to ask considering I barely even know Chloe to begin with, but I wasn't going to blow her off anyway, I asked Chloe, and, gathering what I did so far about her, I knew it'd be extremely awkward for her as well...she didn't know what to say, but considering she wanted to fuck me, she didn't want a party, so I told Tianna NO, I mean hello. This is one of the reasons why I hate Tianna, most people wouldn't believe it, but she'll state and ascertain this herself that she's not really bothered by my fucking other females, it's her own insecurities with not having much friends--and when I hang out with "MY" friends in an alone basis, she further depresses herself cuz it makes her feel like a loser...I mean, way to trap yourself and make me feel bad, but I don't cuz it isn't my problem. I mean, what the fuck do you want me to do? You're too used to be stuck to my leg 24/7, get away from me sometimes, jesus. But that's not even it, most times, I don't mind her being around, if I'm into and doing my own thing, just don't fucking bug me.
CONTINUE
It began from laying on this broken couch that annoys the fuck out of my back. From feeling her up to giving her light bites to the side of her neck to getting on top and making out hard for a bit to me working down her body and giving nibbles all over and down to her inner thighs. Oh the sweet spot that makes men fold and grasps with control.
(I think I waited too long to write this, I'm unsure of what order things went in exactly)
I recall eating her out and her hands grinding my face in like some sorta pie eating contest, to fingering her with the two made men while doing so. I've already suckled on her tits some beforehand, she was if not all, practically naked. I stood up and she undid my belt and shorts as I helped, and she started to suck my cock to turn it's almost drying hard clay state into it's statue reformulating position. She pumped and jerked and sucked and slurped, I was ready to fuck her, so I got down, and pulled her little ass to the edge of the couch, AND, OH HELLO TOM;
Chloe: Condom!?
Tom: OH
Oh jeez, where are my manners? Rofl.

You told me; "I see you rise, but, it always falls." I see them come, I see them go. He said; "All things pass into the night" and I said; "Oh no, sir, I must say you're wrong. I must disagree, oh no sir, I must say you're wrong, won't you listen to me?" He told me; "I've seen it all before." I been there, I've seen my hopes and dreams lying all around. I've seen the sky just begin to fall. He said; "All things pass into the night." Goodbye horses, I'm flying over you, goodbye horses, I'm flying over you.
-Q Lazzarus/Goodbye Horses

Now I don't normally use condoms cuz I tend to fuck women I can trust...so I am NOT used to condoms and I don't like them, as I've so written before, but who doesn't, right? So I get a condom on there, and like, my dick is already starting to go limp practically, the lack of skin feeling due to the latex mixed with my nervousness of fucking a gal I hardly know, doesn't mix well, not to mention, I've not been stoned for a fucking month my mind is just WHOA AND BLAH, and also not to mention it was already day light into the next fucking day, so I was tired and already exhausted. But we managed anyway with my not fully hardened state as I'd call it, and got a lot of fuckin' done regardless. From banging her at the edge of the couch with her legs up and spread open, to flipping her over in doggy over the couch or with her kneeling down on one of 'em, to grabbing her hair, to grabbing her neck just a little bit...to feeling all over. She rode me on the ground some, I was already damned exhausted, took off the condom and blew me for a bit, I stood up while she blew me and jerked me, my legs were like, shaking and shit. I think the no food for hours was getting to me, but I didn't wanna stop anyway. So I sat down, though it took a while, she kept jerking and blowing, eventually I came and squirted all over into my under shirt since it was the only thing around. It was a pretty long fuck, but I gotta say she's got it down with that hand job skills, that massage shit pays off in more ways than just one.
Did I forget to mention that Chloe's only 4'11 and weighs like 90 lbs? Tom's like 6'2, so she's fucking smaaaaaaaaall, tiny little girl, but she's my age.

We watched more movies, I still couldn't sleep even though I was trying to, I may have been naked or in my under wear, she was topless, we laid around, at one point when I was resting my eye's, I swear I could feel her trying to molest me while I supposedly was trying to sleep. She was still horny, tried to finger her to death to make her cum, but my hand DIED OUT, she says she's one of those types that are pretty hard to cum. OH, just like Tianna, why can't all gals be multi-orgasmic freaks? Haha. I ate her out more while doing it and switching positions, always close but no cigar. I was feeling drained and just exhausted for being up for so long and just not eating anything, WHY DIDN'T I STOP AND EAT SOMETHING!? Just wasn't aware of time flying I guess. We smoked a bit more weed here and there, movies played. At this point, I was feeling sick, I was gonna send her home to continue this another time but she drugged up on her prescriptions and I wasn't gonna make her drive home then, so she passed out. I tried sleeping on the ground, but still couldn't, I ate some canned fruits and some bites of peanut granola bars, and lots of water, which made me feel better. She awoke some hours later, gave me another short massage on the ground, during, I turned around so she was on top, she grinded my dick awake and we went out for seconds. My cock was much harder this time around, condom and all, she rode me for quite a while with bouncing up and down like a jack hammer to grinding me like she was possessed and in need for the cure for the RAGE VIRUS, since, we were watching 28 Weeks Later when we started round two. To slow squatting strokes that felt damned good, had me wondering if we broke the condom or some shit so I had to check, haha. With her spitting and jerking to keep it lubed well and continuing, I came inside of her that way, retracted and got rid of the filled condom.
Not too long after that, I walked her out to her car where I had moved it some time during the day on the main road since I didn't know where else to move it. She penis grabbed me and said she'd fuck me later in which I said, maybe, and walked away flipping the middle finger in the blistering sun.

So now I had to go back in and find out what the fuck is Tianna's problem, stalking me when I went to move Chloe's car about if I'm gonna hang out with her all day and what is she(Tianna) gonna do with her free time like I'm her parent or some crap, like we had made plans or somethin' or like we ever do anything, I mean wtf? This bitch, I wanted to slap her, especially with my lacking sleep the way I was. So little did I know, she claims to have been mad from the night before when I told her to get out of my room cuz she always falls asleep in there, and I told her I needed private time which usually is referred to jerking off time. Now normally, Tianna, she goes to bed, but this time she called out and saying if I was gonna hang out with someone cuz she can tell and why don't I just tell her that?
Tom: Uhhh, FIRST OFF, I do not need to tell you SHIT nor is it for you to fucking question. THIS IS MY ROOM, I tell you to get out, you get the fuck out. If I wanted you to know, I'd fucking tell you, and I usually do AFTER the fact, you know this. However, I DO NOT, and I repeat, DO NOT like telling anyone anything if it hasn't happened yet. It wasn't a FOR SURE THING yet that we were going to hang out or not, just a jokingly possibility, or so I took it that way at first.
Right after things were clarified, whether she likes it or not or agrees or not, everything was COOL then, like always.
I won't lie though, it's shit like this that gives me thoughts of getting the fuck out and moving out, going all the way back home just so I don't have to deal with this BS.
While I'm on the topic of BS, apparently Tianna's mom bitches her out cuz she makes so much money and doesn't know how to properly budget her money based on the shit she pays for, and gripes to her about her AND me, haha, but she never comes and tells me to my face...if I thought eating food was a problem to her, well I'd never eat anything that she herself offers me, so what the fuck? I don't even eat much for one, and it's other little spending things that Tianna does as well...and she supposedly gets on Tianna's case about ME finding a new job, even though I'm still paying her the agreed rent, I don't see aside from that how anything is her fucking business. It all sucks though, the whole situation depresses, those two mixed things have been giving me a huge thought on moving back to the downward spiral of the old ghetto place and it's still in my mind if she continues. It all sucks. Fuck it. Oh, but supposedly Tianna's mama doesn't mean those things, she's just stressed/doesn't agree with my life style of living for now instead of doing what she did, bust ass your whole life and profit in the end when you're like 40, the fuck out of here, I'd might as well shoot myself now and save myself the time.

Moving along, so Chadd told me his job is hiring and he's gonna refer me and that I need to put in an App. So I did that just that one fine day when I met up with Chadd, picked 'em up and we chilled at my place with Tianna. We all went for a walk around the block cuz Chadd felt like taggin' up the burbs, pointing out people having fun and shit at the park and how that's strange for us to see people being that way, haha. After talking story whilst playing games whilst Chadd working on art, ate some dinner and dropped 'em off at the bus stop as requested. Here's a piece he did of my name Systom:

Plans to finish it some time in the future, colors and etc. Yeah, trippy shit 'eh? I can still barely make it out.
UPDATE: Looks like the positions have been filled with people relocating from another center, fuck.

So despite the good and the bad that I just talked about, there was a pretty eventful chill day yesterday. My youngest sister Kelcie is moving to California with her boyfriend, the one she met on the internet. He's flew down here to Hawaii before for a week or two or some shit, I don't recall, I didn't meet the guy. Everyone's against my sister going cuz she's a newbie to relationships for one, and is young and the whole moving in with somebody thing and dealing with all of that and first time being away from family and so far away and etc etc etc, the list just goes on and on. Not even I agree with it, but I'm not a total bitch about it to be just thinking the negatives, wow, right, Tom saying this, wow. So I shared my thoughts to her about what I thought and how I disagreed with it cuz it's just too sudden for my liking, but it doesn't mean it can't work for them, I don't know the dude but apparently he's a nerd, so I see no worries there...BUT OH NO, YOU NEVER KNOW, HE COULD BE ABUSIVE AND ETC, yeah, he could be, her choice, live and learn, or die and learn, or just never live at all without ever learning, or even worse, lets wrap condoms on everything and make everything dull based on our own experiences and push it unto others. It's about being aware of possibilities people, being aware is enough unless you're a fucking idiot, which I know my sister ain't. Besides, she'll be like an hour away from our other sister, Jeanne, whom lives in Cali as well. (I totally went off track about the chill day)
Back on topic, the chill day was for my sisters going away party BBQ type of thing. It was over at my ma's place, like a pot luck, everyone brings their own food or makes their own food there. The usual family peeps showed up, I recall eating a couple of times while mostly working on Alfredo's ancient old ass iPod in which I didn't even think of was fixable...but after hours of trying different methods, I was able to restore it and actually kept it alive to work, but for how long, I dunno. Also hooked my mom up with Dexter Season 3 Episode One. My cousin, or Alfredo's brother, Alexander, or better known as Zander returned to Hawaii from Texas with his wife and kids, so it was good seeing them as well--we had seen them earlier that week on a beach venture that Tianna and I went on last week, also at my mom's place. My sister Kristie showed up, along with my twin Sister later on after she got out of work, though my mom had her kids way beforehand...kids, man, this is a fine example of why I'd never fucking have kids, rofl, kids were all over and constantly with their noises, god damn kids. I also recall watching my dad and my uncle Steve trying to unlock his door cuz he locked his keys in the car when he dropped something and went to pick it up and pulled the switch-a-roo with the item and the keys. My dad eventually got it though, always been good at stuff like that.

^Tianna blinded Jayslin while she was making some important transactions, what a bitch. My stupid face including Jayden's crying face, see, he likes to be a badboy but the game is no longer fun when he can't control it, so I woe with him as we wrastle. Yes, that's my hairy upper thigh.

So everyone eventually disbanded, my Uncle Jason said they were still gonna party and drink it up at his place, along with Zander & company and Alfredo and his girlfriend Eva. I'm not one to usually kick it with all the family, but I decided to go, why not, it's been a while since I hung out with any of them, well, Alfredo is the only one whom I actually "hang out" with, but yeah. So Tianna and I went there after everyone left, packed up some of the mixed delicious foods that there was as always. We sat around while everyone drank, except for us, and just talking loudly and being drunk stupid people while listening to music, or at one point, watching UFC knock out matches or stand up comedy by Katt Williams. My aunt Heather peeped out and asked if we wanted to get stooooned so I was like fuck it, sure, and we got stooooned. She said she'd smoke me out cuz I always smoke them out or hook them up for free at our little gatherings. So we rounded up a few bowls between her, me, tianna, and my uncle jason came in for one hit, and Zander wanted to smoke but he can't for whatever reason's, it was funny when he stuck his head in the door and started sucking at the air cuz he could smell it, haha. It wasn't too late yet but, Jason had passed out with his kids in the other room, I was getting hungry and really needed a shower, so we left. Got home, ate, showered, sexed it out stoned, oh how I miss that.
The end, for now.

Are they tryin' to work you on the strip? Yeah, better tell 'em you ain't doing it. Don't let 'em treat you like you shit. Yeah, better tell 'em you ain't taking it. Are they trying to get you to do them drugs? Yeah, better tell 'em you ain't tryin' it. Are they tryin' to kick you while you're down? Yeah, better tell 'em you ain't having it.
I know a young girl, she look real nice, she seems OK but got a fucked up life, her real name Tiff, the streets call her Honey, you can catch her on the block posted up, getting money. I ain't talking about drugs, I'm talking about sex, she's up every night, she never gets any rest. She got two kids, she only 19, she dropped out of school and gave up on her dreams. She was a bad kid, her parents kicked her out cuz she started doing drugs, it was never in the house. She used to cut class, now she cut coke, she puts it in her pot and let it steamin' and she smokes. Her kids are neglected, they don't even eat, they don't got clothes, no shoe's on their feet, their life's full of pain, it's hard for them to sleep. Mom didn't raise 'em, they was raised by the street.
I got some bad news, it was one of Honey's kids, there was a shoot out, he caught one in the ribs. His little brother cried, never thought he'd see the day that his old brother Jay would get hit by a stray. No money for a funeral, no money for a coffin, they tried to find the shooter but the witness wasn't talkin'. Honey's heart was broken, she took it as a sign that life's too short and she's running out of time. She needs to make moves cuz it's getting out of hand, she needs to buy a nice house, put down a couple grand, she wanna go to a nice place, somewhere in the burbs, somewhere where the bodies aren't outlined on the curbs. See, every day's a struggle, every day there's pain, it's never too late, there's always time for a change. She wanted somethin' better, I see it in her eye's; there's a million ways to live, but in the end, we all die.

-Kol/You Aint Havin It

^Props to PLEX aka Kol for that song, I really dig it, check 'em out http://www.myspace.com/bigkol to hear the song.

WTF?

Tue, 02 Sep 2008 09:41:20 GMT

Since when did livejournal advertise on everyone's journals?

I thought there was to be NO ADS on my page unless I updated to the new system, which I didn't. This is how livejournal tricks you if you haven't updated. When you aren't signed into your account, ad's will show up on your main page, as well as every other page connected to your journal...now, I sign in to my account, magically, the AD's disappear...WOW, very clever at being deceptive LIVEJOURNAL, ya pricks. I just don't appreciate how they can reap full benefits from dropping AD's on people's personal journals that some, have had for so long, way before that...even though I'm sure they've updated over time and kept their policy opened up for just that purpose. How about cutting the people a share of the prophets? Way to scam on the free content, even if it is unrelated to the AD.

Get money? Take money.

Fri, 22 Aug 2008 01:51:05 GMT

ROFL@THAT, after everything I've done for those pricks? After everything I could've done but didn't to their computer systems on a software and physical basis? Yalls got balls, be lucky I like some of the people that work there. It ain't fucking worth it anyway, pebbles.

Welp, guess it's back to armed robbery and selling drugs, fuck the world.

GET HIGH!

Wed, 20 Aug 2008 23:38:05 GMT

I feel like shit. I'm thinking it's because of the odd and horrible sleeping habits I've been getting myself into lately, I just can't seem to sleep right or at all. Just to not feel like shit and give myself some sleep, I've downed some NyQuil and abused the shit sleeping habit to stay up longer to sleep less to sleep earlier to wake up earlier. It worked, got some rest, went in for my tattoo appointment that I did not have to pay for. I guess Doug felt bad about my situation with the job and all, and he set me up with a good few hours of work. Well, he said he was really looking forward to working on my piece and was bummed that I had to cancel, hell, maybe he knew I needed somethin' like that, or it's cuz we're just cool like that anyway and I'm always around there. I really appreciate that though, how much would even do some shit like that? I'd pay this fucker back with something so much bigger if I could, perhaps, one day.

I'm still not sure if I'll be receiving unemployment or not, but just today, the next day after the tattoo appointment, I had to be up at 8am to receive a call from them to "verify" information. It sounds sketchy to me already and I don't think I'll be getting the unemployment, I don't see why they needed to call me to verify anything considering I told them the same fucking thing I wrote exactly on the paper, it's because the employer is trying to dispute it(based on what the employer woman told me), I can't believe those fucks. I know for a fact the new manager wouldn't give two shits about me, she didn't even know me, nor would she even care, fucking robot, I wonder if she knows how to play dead as well? So they told me I'd be notified sometime this week or the next if I'm approved or not, but I don't even care anymore, it's depressing, this whole fucking world and it's system is depressing. Bold faced lies and fake smiles for a coin, millions of refined Judas's amass; "It's just business, Johnny-Boy." When did humans forget what it is to be a human? Why so distracted with the green catalyst? Is this survival? Or someone else's constructed game of win win win, but let's not forget, like everything, with winning, someone has to lose, OH, we HATE, to lose.

Besides looking at the shitty job market from time to time, and applying here and there, nothing much else has been up. I've been trying to look into ways of making money online, most normal people would think nothing of this, but believe it or not, it is out there, in various and various of ways. I've heard of or know of some people whom make a shit ton doing what they're doing and that's what I'm trying to figure out myself, since, all I've got now is the free time. I've come up with an idea whilst trying to work on another idea that was given from someone else, that I'm gonna try to push. I won't mention nothin' of this idea until I figure out the kinks and get it up and running, but I've pitched the idea to a few good friends and they all think it could work out fairly well, just dunno until you actually try it.
On a separate note, I finally decided what to do with my URL that I registered, the first website I ever registered with all my computing knowledge over the years, just cuz I never had a need to make a website. Welp, a friend is hosting me and various others have help me set it all up, it's a blog based website with WordPress, just something to get into and try, it's not apparent at all that you can actually make money just from blogging, I know for a fact it works cuz the persons whom helped me build it, does it. The blog thing ain't much at all, but lately, I've been researching and just trying to get my feet wet in anything just for the knowledge and experience, I guess that's the basic way to understand, just get yourself into it. Somethings still need to be added or edited, I may eventually start double posting from livejournal to there, but now I present;
http://systom.org

I hurt myself today to see if I still feel. I focus on the pain, the only thing that's real. The needle tears a hole, the old familiar sting. Try to kill it all away, but I remember everything. What have I become? My sweetest friend, everyone I know goes away in the end. You could have it all, my empire of dirt. I will let you down, I will make you hurt. I wear this crown of shit upon my liar's chair full of broken thoughts I cannot repair. Beneath the stains of time, the feelings disappear. You are someone else, I am still right here. If I could start again a million miles away, I would keep myself, I would find a way.

-Nine Inch Nails/Hurt

You're not listening close enough, IT'S A CATASTROPHE!

Sat, 09 Aug 2008 13:10:24 GMT

So now to think of some events that has happened that I've yet to write about, or was over looked due to my last entry.

Tianna got more ink work done, she has her final appointment tomorrow at that, so here's the latest for now;

Quite some time ago, the new co-worker at the then job, Audie, he came over to hang out, we just smoked out with Tianna, sat around in my room and playing video games like geeks. He's a pretty chill dude, don't mind 'em too much 'cept he's rubbed me with the vibe to always ask for minor shit, which doesn't bug me too much, but I won't let that be taken to abuse if it continues further. I understand hardships quite nicely, there can't be an excuse for everything and ya just gotta step up and take some sorta responsibility to man the fuck up and control yourself and spending habits, make a budget or somethin', or suffer until the next pay day.
Any who, since I've given up weed until I get a new job, I started selling some of my big stash off, might as will, met 'em last night outside and chilled for a bit to see what's up nowadays. I'm not the kinda dude that likes to bug people of when to pay me back, but don't give me your word on somethin' and back out on it without saying shit, shit annoys me. It ain't enough cash for me to trip or shoot 'em or anything, but I don't like having the thoughts anyway.

EDIT: I forgot to add this in. Also quite some time ago, Tianna and I dropped Paige off at the airport, when I was working, I got out early to do this. After picking Tianna up, we picked up Paige early to get her two cats there before her flight in these huge fucking cages. When we got to the airport, it was fucking horrible because signs are terrible and people don't know how to explain shit clearly or correctly. We wandered around a few times trying to look for the right place to go for the proper airlines place to take the animals to check in. We almost didn't make it in time, it was hot, and irritating for all of us. So we finally left that place after checking 'em in, went back to Paige's place to pick up her luggage, she doesn't live too far from the airport. If we didn't lose so much time with being lost, we probably would have ate some where better even though I was off and on with my appetite. So instead we went to the closest place and it was Wendy's, I haven't eaten there in quite a long time but it was pretty good anyway. We finished up, and took Paige on to the airport, said our goodbye's and off she went.
She's contacted me since here and there and seems to be doing pretty good up there, after some bullshit of course, and probably more bits and pieces of bullshit to come, but that's just life. I dunno how exciting Louisiana could be, but I'm sure it's a whole lot easier with the cost of living and all.

Also some time ago, one late night, randomly, spontaneously, I finally met and hung out with a gal I knew, Chelsea. I hadn't realized just how close she lived near me, or well, she recently moved there that is. She's one of the gals I'd talk to here and there, jokingly say shit about meeting but just kinda never happens, but ain't too much of a big deal anyway? Turns out we're both that kind of persons, so, go fucking figure, haha. We just sat around and drove around the city some, just talking story about whatever comes up, oh how I love the night. When parked and chilling near her place, there was some sorta domestics going on, loud psychotic shouting of stupid shit, it was pretty entertaining and retarded at the same. Cop showed up way too late, the male had already left, so, nothin' more. She was having herself some sorta mixed drink, coke and rum I think, and I was already high, so, good chill shit. I ended up playing with her hair some and giving some of my supposedly infamous massages. It got pretty late, around 3am and she had to bed to get to work the next day, bid adieu.
Quite some time later, or more or so recently, we hung out again for a little bit, since I don't have a job, she came on over to visit before going to work. Talked a bunch more about whatever it is that comes up, snapped some photo's as well since the camera was handy and it's just what I do, or like to do anyway, keeps me occupied. I'll honestly put, I'm not sure if she digs me in THAT sorta way or not, but we toss around some, umm, what appears to be flirting or just fucking around, doesn't really bug me either way cuz I'm just that chill. In amidst of showing me her behind's figure cuz I'm an ass kinda guy versus a titty one, and not getting too far with that due to her pants, and my prying to know what she's wearing under that, of which boys shorts was mentioned, and the whole; lemme see game, and her tempting with; OH YOU WANNA SEE? YOU WANNA SEE IT? I mean, last I checked, I ain't gay, so what was I supposed to say? No? Haha. Then she suckered me and was like NAH, cuz it'll lead to sex and she doesn't wanna be a part of my second night fucks thing. That's an inside thing about me that I shouldn't even be mentioning, my fuck count ain't high or anything, but every gal whom I was with, we fucked on the second night of hanging out/meeting. I guess that really doesn't bug me none if I'm willing to share, I mean I could be deceitful and not do that at all and continue the quest? I'm not that desperate, despite being super perverted, oh well. Anyway, I was like; Psh, it doesn't need to lead to sex, whilst thinking that it'd only lead to sex if it's what she wanted, ha. But, she had to leave for work anyway, ta-ta, again.

You are my angel, come from way above to bring me love. Her eyes, she's on the dark side, neutralize every man in sight. I love you, love you, love you. You are my angel, come from way above.
-Massive Attack/Angel

Some nights ago, once again pretty randomly, ended up meeting with Jeanette, it was pretty late and just plain old random. She was going through some things of which I won't mention, and I was just willing to be like; fuck it, since we live so close to each other anyway, why not just chill for a first time and talk that way? I didn't think she would cuz it was like 1am already, but Tom don't give a fuck, and I guess she proved me wrong too, cuz she was contemplating and weighing if she even wanted to--and finally decided why not? Haha. We met, decided to go for a walk beforehand, and just walked around in a big ass loop whilst chatting about shit. Stumbled across a dead bird and a dead, I don't know if there was anything more that was dead, but death with the both of us seem to hiss like gas when set ablaze. There were some silences and of course I'm trying to figure out if she's OK with that or being bored/weirded out, so I prodded some about that just to clarify, but it wasn't really a big deal. We did talk a bunch, while she was looking for cats like a freaking retard of some kind, haha, but apparently she see's a lot of 'em often. So we finally came across what looked like a cat, all I could see from a distance was a black ball sleeping in front of someone's garage, she got excited and approached the witches cat to see if it'd run or ask for comfort, the cat charmer on this one, it just woke up and expected to be molested. Then she was wondering if the cat was a stray or is dirty or has some sorta disease, in which I said probably cuz another cat was there and ran away, it was probably a whore cat. It also had a burnt out white eye, which she couldn't see but I could, I named it the burnt eye cat. We left on, stood in front of a store while chatting some and listening to the retards hanging out and partying in the parking lot. That's something I've seen around the burbs, people/kids got no where to go, they hang out in parking lots, haha. I thought we were gonna part ways soon, or if she wanted to, but we ended up heading to a park instead, I guess we both weren't ready to go home just yet, but just for more seclusion and away from the lame scene. We sat at some benches, keeping company in the black, it was pretty quiet out, really nice, I digged it. After a bit more time of just chillin', I dropped her off and went on home, must've slept at 4am that night, it's been a while. What's also funny to note is, Jeanette lives practically right next to Chelsea, same fucking street and area and everything, haha, weird.

BUSTED, VAMPIRE ROBOT!

Met Florence the other night to ummm, make some deals with her, kinda weird to see her again after the last time I met her years ago, but I don't mind hooking it up. She looks smaller than what I remembered, haha, oh well.

On one of our many trips down to the beach, or end of the island, or visiting and picking up mail from the family, or plain old food binging at the local hawaiian BBQ place, Tianna and I, I saw some mongooses running about while we were parked and eating, figured I could try to attract the rodents with food and succeeded in doing so for a close up, Tianna's never seen the little shits close up before, and after feeding one of them mac salad sauce and reeces pieces m&m's, another fat one came and duked it out with 'em for the remains. I got a picture from right above 'em with my ninja skills.

We randomly went to the beach some time last week due to spontaneous boredom and her taking off of work, and, my, once again, jobless ass, haha. We went cuz my uncle got busy with work when there was supposed to be another family BBQ, damn, I miss those foods.

Now as for me, I've been checking out jobs online and stuff, not too much out there, a lot of highly qualified positions, like, jesus, are these people serious? I'm sure a lot of these things can be trained with some hands on experience and skip the pretensed bullshit of years of experience and education. I've done everything I had to do for unemployment, and am now waiting to see if I'm even approved. Aside from that, I've just been fucking around with this new Alienware laptop, and, playing some PC games on this beast which most run pretty damned smoothly, 'cept for Crysis but that one was a given. I never beat Gears of War for the Xbox360 nor do I own it, so I snagged that one as well to give it a go, a long with DMC4, and, as mentioned, Crysis, which is pretty amazing even though I have to play it on medium settings to be tolerable without much lag. All games work great with the Xbox 360 controller and that wireless piece that I bought a long time ago, they automatically configure themselves. The laptop itself is also great, it's a bit big and bulky for all of it's power, the lighting on this thing is the coolest, and WinVistaSP1 hasn't really given me too much of a problem yet once I smoothened it out to how I like it. Most of the settings are easy to use, didn't have any problems with wiring the laptop to the big screen via HDMI, so, you know, I can play PC games on the big screen at 720p, shits awesome.

A picture I snapped of it to show off some Ammo on a forums with a thread regarding ammunition, but, the laptop is also pictured;

Aside from all of that stuff, not doing too much else, Call of Duty 4 with some Digital Gangsters here and there, or Daniel, FFTA2 & FF4 on the DS, still.

P.S. I found the love of my life, I want her so fucking badly, thinking about her on those cold lonely nights just gives me the greatest of great boners I've ever had, welp, here she is;

Funny enough, Tominator, haha, who the fuck is that?

Double P.S. I just thought of an idea, I figured, since it's been years with writing in LJ, why not I try to dive into the past for each year I've been on here, for that exact day for as long as this journal goes back and see what it is I wrote, and maybe some sorta reflection towards that? I don't know if I'll follow up with this or what I'll do about it, but, I lucked out this time and I have not written anything on 8-9-00, so this marks the first.

YOU GOT ME RIGHT WHERE YOU WANTED ME, SO WHAT DO WE DO IF I CAN'T HOLD THE POSE FOR TOO LONG!? DO WE SH-SH-SH-SH-SHOOT AGAIN, DOES THE WHOLE OPERATION SHUT DOWN AND WE GO BACK TO THE BOARD? I PRACTICED ALL MY LINES, OH YEAH, FEED EVERY CHILD IN THE WORLD, BUT IT'S A ONE NIGHT STAND BABY AND WE GOTTA KEEP ON, IF YOU GOT IT ALL, THEN YOU GOT IT RIGHT! I WANNA DO WHAT YOU SAY AND GET WAY OUT OF LINE, NOBODY GONNA STOP ME NOW! IT'S NOT HOW IT LOOKS UNLESS YOU SAW NOTHING! WE ALL AGREE, THIS PROPOSAL BEEN SENTENCED TO DEATH! Are we baiting the right hook to get your attention? THE MEDIA NEEDS ANOTHER BLACK OUT! We've been calling slutty hot lines. WE'VE APPLIED MASCARA to the radio, BUT THAT'S JUST A QUICK FIX and we need a little more, a little more. Does it matter to you at all? Are you listening or have you tuned out? WE G-G-GOTTA, GOTTA GET IT TOGETHER! F-F-F-FIRST WE DRINK YOU AND TAKE IT ALL APART! CUZ EVERY WHERE WE GO, WE'RE THE LOCAL BOYS AND WE'RE BACK IN TOWN! B-BUT THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT IS, and it breaks my heart. GET BY, GET GONE, GET HIGH, G-G-G-G-GET WRONGED!

-Every Time I Die/Apocalypse Now And Again

MY JOB HERE IS DONE, YOU'RE FUCKING WELCOME!

Thu, 31 Jul 2008 11:23:24 GMT

I was planning on trying to write by the time this weekend, however, I now have the extra time. I guess I'll keep it brief and not write about everything I was thinking about, come this weekend. But, I've got just a couple of things to share with my journal here. Today, I was fired. Yes, I am now jobless, it's been a long time coming. I'm surprised I lasted as long as I did, honestly. I was mad, but not as mad as I thought I'd be, or should have been. I was fired for slacking on a few calls and was monitored, I didn't do anything bad to customers, just didn't process a few calls due to irritation/boredom over the years. So, maybe I deserve it for not doing my job all but a few minutes a few times, after almost 5 years of being there? No warning, no corrective actions, just, new policy, zero tolerance, AKA the crumbling economy defense, I'm not stupid, I notice all the new rules and changes as a sign, new boss, not to mention others quitting or being fired as well. So, at my first break I was asked to see the new boss, she showed me some computer doesn't lie printed out forms of me supposedly disconnecting calls, some being disconnected within 0 seconds, I don't see how that makes any sense when it's not even possible to do that, and to even bring that my way. I'm not a saint, I used to do a lot of shit that should have gotten me fired, but then I cleaned up my act for the most part and did my job, just, slacked from time to time, I'm human, not a robot. After trying to explain myself about the disconnections, cuz I really didn't disconnect the calls I was being accused of by the machine that doesn't lie, anymore, even the shitty one's, I admit to my journal that I used to disconnect almost ALL pranksters/fraud calls/absolute idiot customers, cuz I think it's absolute bullshit and the company is too much of pussies to have Sprint man up to the FCC's stupid rules, but, Sprint just likes to make sure their workers are contracted under a private organization rather than their own, so they cut their benefits and pay towards us and yet make all the rules. Any who, so the new boss tries to play it like I'm trying to con my way around her and boasts her ability with the system they use and her experience with it, and her being the new person, like I questioned that or even insinuated/intentionally did such a thing. I straight up confessed to not processing those few calls though, I told her, I ain't gonna lie, you monitored me, it's right there on the paper, so I just told her, am I being fired? She said she has to let me go due to the policy, just like that, took all of the work gear back and walked me out the door in case I go postal or somethin', probably just their policy, fucking robots. She also tells me to let it be a learning experience, become an absolute robot in other words, like she knows me or somethin', there's so much I could've said but just didn't wanna waste my time with and just bounce.
So the other half of me that wasn't feeling as bad as I should be, well, probably was that half that was already pondering on getting a new job, I guess I don't have a choice now. A lot of the co-workers was shocked that I was canned, whom found out later via text or people talking, so I've heard when it came back around to me. Even my old supervisor Eunice found out and called me and was very sympathetic, saying I can use her as a reference and I should try getting unemployment cuz a previous co-worker whom was fired got it, which I'm already looking into just to say fuck it and try, even though I don't think it works that way. Anyone have any experience or knowledge with this? Please comment.

I dunno, on the down side to losing the job, I do have bills to pay, I have some cash left over that'll get me by for a little while if I'm not able to get unemployment, although, that would help and I'd probably just relax on that for a little bit but not too long, to get a job, if the pay is at least decent, my brain needs a relaxing and it would be nice, but, knowing me, probably won't happen.
I couple of friends already are gonna try to see if they can pull me a job with people they know, or their own jobs, which I'm really grateful for and will look into whenever they pull through. I just have the problem of not wanting to bother people or ask them for help, so I don't like following up, or it's just hard for me to do but I'm learning to deal with it, to some extent.
On the upside? Maybe this'll push me to move on to something else, something new...this is either a step forward, or a step downward, guess I'll wait, try, and find out where it is I belong.

Onward with the story, I sent the news in text to Tianna and she was surprised as well and told me to come pick her up, she left work for me cuz she thought I'd go postal and shoot people up or get into some sorta car accident, although she was also surprised as to how calm I was, or just lost in thought, or empty. Spontaneously said I needed to blow off some steam and wanted to give the AK a nice toot toot toot for the first time, but it'd also require a nice hike on a path I'm not aware of, not since a kid anyway. So we went home and packed shit up and got ready and just left out to the old city, parked by a gate hoping no one would steal or break into the car, and began the journey on the upward path. I knew I sucked ass with my stamina and cardio, but jesus christ, I was fucking dying. We marched for a good amount of time to begin with, I hadn't eaten anything but bought and brought some shit with us, popped some kinda exercising pill that I tried a couple of times that killed my appetite but also kept me up like a crackhead, I think that's what pushed me so far to begin with and even that was no where near enough. I ended giving the backpack to Tianna cuz I felt sick like I wanted to throw up, the upward climbing in the hot sun with a empty stomach and shit on my mind, and my heart was pounding like a motherfucker. It got to a point where I needed to stop and take a break after little walking constantly, Tianna was still good to go though, haha, what the fuck? Drinking some water, splashing myself, didn't think I could go on, but once the ground evened out at one point, I felt good to go for finally seeing an end to twisty roads that kept going up, but eventually, it kept going up, decided that I didn't wanna march to the very end cuz I was beat and didn't know how far it would go and didn't want time to be an issue cuz we went later than I would have normally planned. There were a couple of trails on the path already and I said fuck it, we were long gone far enough on up by then, so walked off the trail and followed another trail a bit more in and had a seat, did a few minutes of shouting out loud to make sure no one was in the area or direction I'd be firing at, even though I was aiming higher just in case, still. There was a car or two when we were walking up is why, but it was barren. So we rested some, ate some stuff on the way, snapped some photo's and of course, shot off the rifle and pistol some. It was nice, adventurous, something I needed to calm myself down physically. We eventually headed back down which was obviously a lot easier.

Tree of Doom;

Here's a video that Tianna recorded of me doing it, I kinda promised Daniel that I'd do a video of it when I actually did do it, so, here it is, haha;

And that, that's my day, and some new experiences and new unknowns. Did I forget to mention I'm quitting marijuana starting today? Yeah, I am, for now, anyway, the one day you'd think I'd burn out on for sure, nah.

P.S. Also something funny to note, about a week ago I charged to credit a brand new 2,500.00 Alienware laptop, that over priced beast that I just had to have after so long of researching and deciding. It's supposed to arrive on Friday, question that anyone would ask is; Do I return it to save myself on the money? Knowing me, I don't think so, been waiting forever for a new upgrade...to play a few PC games in the future, namely Starcraft 2, or the current Crysis...at least it's something to look forward to.

[1] Area-51® m15x
Design & Display: Silver Ripley Design
Display: 15.4" WideXGA+ 1440 x 900 LCD (720p) with Clearview Technology
System Lighting: Alienware® AlienFX® System Lighting - Blue
Video/Graphics Card: NVIDIA® GeForce® Series - 512MB NVIDIA® GeForce® 8700M GT
Processor: Intel® Core™ 2 Duo T9300 2.5GHz (6MB Cache 800MHz FSB)
Operating System (Office software not included): Windows Vista® Home Premium with Service Pack 1
Notebook Tuners and Remotes: Without Media Center Remote Control or TV Tuner
Memory: 4GB Dual Channel DDR2 SO-DIMM at 667MHz – 2 x 2048MB
System Drive: 120GB 7,200RPM (8MB Cache) w/ Free Fall Protection
Optical Drives : 8x Dual Layer Burner (DVD±RW, CD-RW)
Wireless: Internal Intel® Wireless 4965 a/b/g/Draft-N Mini-Card
Sound Card : Internal High-Definition Audio with surround sound
Keyboard Options: AlienFX® Illuminated Keyboard – Exclusive Design
Warranty: 1-Year AlienCare Toll-Free 24/7 Phone Support w/ Onsite Service
Port Adapters: HDMI Cable: Connect to any HDMI display
Alienware Extras: Alienware® Mesh Cap
Alienware Extras: Alienware® Mousepad
Alienware Extras: Alienware® Mobile Binder
Alienware Extras: Alienware® Personalized Nameplate
Alienware Extras: Owner Identification Card
Alienware Extras: Area-51® m15x Protective Cloth Sleeve
Alienware Extras: Area-51® m15x Keyboard Diagram Overlay
Alienware Extras: Area-51® m15x Smooth Mylar Touchpad

Don't mind the video cuz I have no fucking idea, but the song below plays:

OH LORD, I AM FAMED! JUDGE SAYS I AM FIT TO SWING, 'BOUT TIME, I HAVE PRAYED, MY WOMAN JUST MIGHT WEAR MY RING! Oh you know I'm no good, you know I'm no good at COURT ORDERED GOODBYE'S! BUT WHEN I'M GONE, YOU'LL SEE, I'LL BE A BETTER MAN YET! FOR THE DISPOSSESSION, TAKE IT BACK INTO YOUR ARMS! BETTER KEEP ME CLOSE TO YOUR HEART, YOU BETTER KEEP ME CLOSE TO YOUR HEART! The defiant had me cornered in a storm and it let me walk out the front door AT THE SCENE OF THE CRIME! HANG 'EM HIGH, KEEP YOUR VOWS BRIEF, LET 'EM SWING, MAKE 'EM SWING TILL IT HURTS, AND IF YOU STILL BELIEVE THAT MAN GUILTY OF LOVE CAN'T SURVIVE, THEN HANG 'EM HIGH OR NOT AT ALL! Oh no, oh you know it gets hard, it just gets so hard going limp in your arms. I AM CLUTCHING A SMOKING GUN, THERE IS NO CHANCE OF ME WALKING OUT OF HERE ALIVE! THIS IS ALL VERY LITERAL, I CAN'T BRING MYSELF AROUND TO WRITE AN EXCUSE THIS TIME! WE'RE LIBERATED BY THE HEARTS THAT IMPRISONED US, WE'RE TAKEN HOSTAGE BY THE ONE'S THAT WE BREAK! THROW THE BOOK! YOU HAD ME STRUNG UP BY THE TAIL AND YOU PUT ME BACK! HANG 'EM HIGH, KEEP YOUR VOWS BRIEF, LET 'EM SWING, MAKE 'EM SWING TILL IT HURTS, AND IF YOU STILL BELIEVE THAT MAN GUILTY OF LOVE CAN'T SURVIVE, THEN HANG 'EM HIGH OR NOT AT ALL! WHERE DID YOU GET THE PRIVILEGE TO PARDON ME!?

-Every Time I Die/Pigs Is Pigs

RAID HELL!

Sun, 13 Jul 2008 02:41:19 GMT

So that work thing, I guess I'm completely off the hook now since there's been other break in's like right next door to where I do work. How is this possible when the doors are double bolted? Right, inside job with keys! So my job is cutting the centers hours down, supposedly to accommodate the new boss which I think is bullshit, economy failure any one? But yeah, the hours are absolute shit and will be changing some time next month, the worst fucking driving times ever. So just to avoid that, I'll be dropping hours cuz fuck that. Also, meeting the NEW boss on Monday, we'll see how this goes.

Speaking of the job, I recently got a huge life changing possibility offered from Phil, saying he could get my resume out for me for a possible job in Iraq. You know, to make some REAL money. There's so much pros to it that I think out weighs the cons. When I ask everyone for their opinions on what they think, everyone's so quick to be judgmental about how Iraq is, in which I counter question with; What do we really know about the fucking place considering we've not been there, we read an article and see some pics and video clips, and this is how the place is 24/7? I doubt it. I'm sure it'd be worse for combat soldiers if anything, in which I'd not be a soldier, but a contracted civilian working along side the military I presume, green zones. Not sure about the all the risks entirely either, aside from some shit that I've read up from someone whom really knows--Phil. Of course, anythings also possible to happening, but that's a part of the obvious risk, it ain't America. I ask myself what I'm doing here, will I be working this shitty paying jobs forever? I could go out, get the experience, travel, travel to other places, get myself debt free, take care of my electronic wants, even buy a car when I get back since it'd only be for a year, that is, if I didn't decide to stay for another. Thing is, within a year, I could possibly make up for 10+ years. My only real set backs is the change of life entirely, even though it's not forever, that is, if I don't die, hahaha. There's that, there's the fact that I've been "content" for quite some time now regardless of the income, and there's Tianna. Tianna thinks it'd be good for me and she won't be a selfish person to say I shouldn't go just because of her. I think in the end, she'd enjoy it more if she wants to stick around, probably just cuz I'd buy her a badass laptop or something, haha.
So, it's really something I'm highly considering. Anyone else got more words on this? Please speak now. But, I'm not sure yet until I get my resume off to Phil, which I'll fix up and send to him to see what can get done if anything, before the weekends out, and if so, get all the details and make my final decision there.

Now that that's out of the way, I had my first threesome experience with Tianna & Paige. This is gonna get nasty folks, so fuck off now if you don't wanna read it, well, it ain't gonna get as nasty as Id've liked it to be, but it was a first time thang so I'm not sweating it. So it all began with Paige wanting to bang Tianna with a strap on, from little talks into getting serious, then all of a sudden, I'm somehow in the mix cuz I'm the one who'd be purchasing the gear, way to go male! But I was like, fuck it, I don't care. Tianna didn't wanna do her one on one, she'd only do it if I was involved. I didn't think Paige would bite under the circumstances just cuz how she was with her Ex. She said she didn't mind though, with some ground rules that fluctuated and changed with communication over time. At first, I was not allowed to bang her, vagina or anal, haha, and she said everything else was pretty much game and possibly handjob/blowjob since I wanted to get the double blow job thang going on my own end, something I just find to be hot.
REWIND;
Sometime last week, Tianna and I swing on over to Sensually Yours, this was both our first times being in a sex shop. I felt that it was no real sweat to me cuz I'm a perverted fuck, so we just walked around and checked everything out, Tianna was interested in a couple of outfits. Kinda funny to hear the workers there talk with being so sexually open, like from the big set woman telling us how she likes this particular dildo cuz of the way it feels, and cracks open the box and gives us a touch, haha, or the way another woman explained the double vibrating cock ring that stimulates the clitoris and the underneath portion of the males balls, good shit, but declined on that one. So they didn't have the particular gear we wanted to pick up that we saw online, we had to buy 'em separately but they were cool about that and gave us a 20% discount cuz they didn't have the one we wanted in stock. Picked up more astroglide with that, and we left.
FAST FORWARD;
We set up a date of when it'd go down, didn't happen on that day cuz Paige got extremely busy with taking care of shit since she's leaving the island next week some time, for good, to move back on to her original home, or awaken from the dream I said. We set another date, and she came on by and got ready, the same way as we did, cleanliness is next to godliness! Tianna and I was watching some porn beforehand, well, didn't mean to watch but was just showing her one of the gals aaaaand ended up watching it, so that got her a bit into the mood. We got high beforehand on weed, Paige didn't wanna. I won't lie, regardless of the situation I was in, I was still a tad bit nervous. Something that I've noticed is, when I get nervous, I tend take a while to cum or get flask some without much stimulation. But this wasn't the case at the start, we also wanted to take pictures/video's as well. So Paige got geared up, and started on with Tianna, with making out and shit, I was snapping a couple of photo's before I got involved behind Tianna with biting the back of her neck, massaging her breasts and ass. Her top came off first in which Paige got right in on there like a little school girl aching for sexual education, haha. After a bit more foreplay, Paige wanted Tianna to blow her fake cock just cuz she loves the mental stimulation. So I'm doing my cam thing with half participating, I finally get horny enough to say fuck this, drop the cam, drop my shorts, pull down Tianna's underwear while she's in doggy blowing Paige, and banged her away while she did her thing. After getting my fill, we switched up and Tianna rode Paige against the bed stand, I stopped and did some pics and recorded some video. Then Tianna said we could probably throw the DP in that position, so I dropped the cam and got into position, and got myself going. Once ready, getting into the back door was extremely harder to do but I finally managed to get on in, tight fucking fit. So Paige and I fucked Tianna that way for a while, it was hot as fuck as it was hot as fuck and I was sweating like a bitch in that fucking room, finally stopped cuz apparently I was hitting Tianna too hard, haha. After sucking down some water, we switched positions, Tianna was blowing me, Paige was hitting her doggy, some where along the line we got Paige's top off. The most I did with her was just suck on her pierced titties, it was more like an assisted type of threesome I guess. She hadn't made up her mind, but beforehand she changed her mind and said possibly she'd not mind fucking me if I'm protected--but when it came down to it, she didn't wanna and I already knew of the reason before hand cuz I know her, it was because of another guy and she had some guilt behind that with her new found infatuation, even though she's leaving soon, but, I know how she is and didn't sweat that. So, I didn't get my double blow job like I wanted, but we still dropped the DP on Tianna. Anyway, back to the sex, flipped Tianna around so I could bang her for a while, Paige took a break, then she blew me again till I came in her mouth.
All in all, it was a fun experience, we all enjoyed it. I have a few short video's of it, and some pictures--of which I'd not mind showing on here cuz I don't care, but photobucket will block the provocative one's, I'll see if I can get away with at least one of them.
UPDATE:
Hasn't been taken down from photobucket yet, but I think that's the only one I can get away with uploading without editing that won't be removed.

DON'T TRY TO RESIST, YOU'RE COMING WITH US, PROVISIONS ARE MADE, ACCOMMODATIONS ARE MET, YOUR WORDS WERE ENCODED IN THE BLEAK GENETICS OF THE MOB! PRAISE APOCRYPHA, OMITTED OFFENSE TO RELIEVE US OF GUILT BUT NOT OF OUR SIN! WE'VE SACRIFICED DISCOURSE AT THE FEET OF YOUR CLEVER TURN OF PHRASE, NOW YOU OWE IT TO US, WE DEMAND TO BE TAKEN ABACK TO BE SHOWN THE REVIVAL OF HOPE FOR WHICH YOUR WORDS ARE RESPONSIBLE! Oh, it's the end of the line, I'm cornered by a precedent, the sneering public eye. MY JOB HERE IS DONE, MY JOB HERE IS DONE! YOU'RE FUCKING WELCOME! RETRACT THE ACCOLADE, THE CANDID ACCLAIM, INSPIRATION IS CUTTING IT'S LOSS, REGURGITATE HEADLINES OR A THEORY ON MODERN ART, YOU'VE BEEN FOOLED AGAIN, THE RED HERRINGS A JOKE! I've tried so hard to tell you that I tapped the world dry, but there's no WORD! STAY WISTFUL AND YOUNG, THEE AFFECTED ARE BANKING ON OBLIVION IN THE DRONE OF EMBITTERED HOPE AND WE'RE SOLD BY THE WAY THEY WROTE IT! MY JOB HERE IS DONE!
It is better to destroy than to create what is meaningless, so the picture will not be finished.

-Every Time I Die/Imitation Is The Sincerest Form Of Battery

Well maybe we could speed up the process, kill me in my thirties in the name of progress

Sun, 06 Jul 2008 12:15:48 GMT

Here's the day you hoped would never come, don't feed me violins, just run with me through roads of speeding cars. The paper cuts, the cheating lovers, the coffee's never strong enough, I know you think it's more than just bad luck. There, there, baby, it's just text book stuff, it's in the ABC of growing up. Now, now, darling, oh don't lose your head, cuz none of us were angels and you know I love you, yeah. Sleeping pills know sleeping dogs lie never far enough away, glistening in the cold sweat of guilt. I've watched you slowly winding down for years, you can't keep on like this, now's a bad a time as any. There, there, baby, it's just text book stuff, it's in the ABC of growing up. Now, now, darling, oh don't kill yourself, cuz none of us were angels and you know I love you, yeah. It's ok by me. It's ok by me, it was a long time ago.
-Imogen Heap/Speeding Cars
^I really like the way this song sounds for some reason.

So I got accused of robbing from my job some weeks ago, or from my boss specifically. It's the way my boss worded it to me, but I dunno how she meant it or if she meant it in what ever way exactly. But anyway, it was one big coincidental of confusion. A week ago, couple of Fridays ago, I stayed at my job later than expected after the place was closed cuz I had to kill some time to pick up Tianna afterward whom was working late. From that period on, I sat in the supervisors seat, and AIMed it with a couple of friends on my phone and was deeply invested into just that until I decided to leave the place to go pick Tianna up, but it was still too early when I was on the road so I stopped by to see Doug at the tattoo shop since it's right on the way.
Now, during the time I was there, janitors came in, only two of whom I recognized, didn't see anyone else. Anytime from the time I stayed after until Monday, someone broke in somehow and the doors weren't jammed which lead me to believe it was an inside co-worker or one of the janitors, or someone new, or not even any one of them entirely since the janitors leave the doors open. The reason I was suspect number one was because they looked up the security key slider and my card was swiped last on that Friday, in which I was returning the bathroom key before I was leaving. Kinda scary to think someone could've been in the place the whole time like a ninja, but I didn't think it was likely, but who knows. But yeah, I already heard co-workers talking about a break in that morning from what they heard and the police being there and all. Once I heard that, I was like; Oh fuck, they gonna try to pin this on me or some stupid shit, I better go talk to the boss. She was busy all morning and I was waiting for my chance, but then she finally called on me to accuse me of that in which I explained my full story and then she believed me, along with Merle, one of the person's I joined with like 4 years ago, making us the oldest people there next to the boss. Generally, I'm just not that stupid, I was more disgusted over just that, hahaha. Because of my paranoia, if I wanted to, I could rob that place for a lot more than what was taken AND get away with it if I so desired, it is not that hard to do.
What was taken was just some money in a locked cabinet of which the culprit used a key to open, and also stole the bathroom keys and fucked with other keys for who knows what fucking reasons? If it were me, I would've took some of them LCD screens or hit up the tech room for the quality shit, jesus. I would've used a mask, gloves, made sure NO ONE MADE ME AT ALL, and have other people with to handle the load with a van out back. One of the stairways isn't even monitored by a camera, but still, I'd not use that exit. I'd plan and move all the gear into a secure location downstairs, when ready, the camera can be blocked with a piece of card board or simply sprayed with anything and just carry everything out back. Of course I didn't tell my boss just that, but something like that, haha, and for the fact that if they pulled any finger prints, I could guarantee it'd not be mine. While I'm on the job thing, more newbies have showed up, some already working, others in training, but one of the dudes who joined is a pretty chill dude from what I'm gathering so far, dude's a lot like me in ways, may end up kicking with 'em some time soon to get high and or game.

More ink added to Tianna's back;

July 4th:
Headed out to my mom's place with Tianna some time before noon. I was the Chili Bitch, zippys chili that is, in which my uncle make's fun of me and says I made some awesome chili, and he likes the way I coincidentally used the bucket from zippys to put MY chili in, that also tastes exactly the same, haha, prick. But anyway, everyone brought somethin' and we had the BBQ going, good shit, especially my uncle's bbq'd kalbi. It was just as I knew it would be, hot as fuck, screaming kids all over, adults talking story and getting drunk, others aren't. Alfredo said he wasn't gonna be able to come days before since he had already made plans with his ladies side which is cool. But I guess he felt bad since my other cousin, Vincent, or Vincent boy as I wrote about him in a previous entry, with being hospitalized and nearly dying various times, was out for some weeks and was over at the BBQ with us. But he made it, no severe brain damage as of yet, he seems to be in good condition to me, I mean he has all these scars all over his head from where they cut, and some missing teeth, but personality still intact, just a lot more chilled. He was telling me about his hospital experience, dreams, perhaps spirituality type of things as well that changed his views on life. Back to Alfredo, he showed up way later cuz my uncle was also talking to him. Back to Vincent, he said he has to re-learn some type of things, like being more stable with motor functions and what not for half a year.
Aside from eating a few times, chit chatting, fucking around with minor fireworks to entertain the kids, hooking my dad up with the latest bootlegs and him showing off his guitar playing skills on the electric guitar to the amp, smoking out my uncle and hooking him up with some extra's, I think that was really about it. Hot fucking day. Oh, I was also trying to help Jayden, my nephew, get over his fear of fireworks from a trauma experience that we had last year. I'm sure I wrote about it back then, about throwing a fire cracker far away from us but when it exploded, a piece of it flew at his head like a bullet and burned his head/hair, in which he went screaming and was never the same since, hahaha. But yeah, when they tried to light morning glories for him and the other kids, he didn't know what everyone was doing till someone lit one and he dropped his and ran into the house crying, haha, god damn. I later went into the house, and this kid's hiding in a dark spot and shit, freaking out at the crackling one's. So I try to explain to him that not all fire works go boom, some are just lights but he doesn't understand that much without actual visuals, so finally his mom and dad force him out so he can just see it, in which he finally stopped crying and kicking and screaming to get away, cuz he saw my other nephew, Jason, playing with one. It was finally a step, but he was about to hold one and I'd light it while his mom holds it with him, but he changed his mind and was like fuck that, haha. I'm sure he'll get over it when he's older. Also didn't fire my gun like I wanted to, kinda just wanted to go home and take a shower.

Pictures;

Tom & Tianna feeding off of the internet.

Tom & Vincent, feeding off of the nintendo DS, I think he was playing Contra 4 or the original one, he played with the DS/PSP for a lot of the time since he couldn't drink or get high, even though he really wanted to, haha, sucks, but a big party for that months down the road. You can see the scars on his head there too. My twin sister in the background(not many know this about me) with her boyfriend Jason, yeah, a lot of Jason's.

This centipede fucked with the wrong bull, so I cooked it with lighter fluid.

Jayden punched me in the balls, and then said that he had punched me in the balls, it's been a long time since I took a nut shot and it was not fun, hahaha.

Jayslin eats fireworks while chillin' and watching the fireworks, this one ain't even scared. But she is scared/freaked out by me. In a way, it's like she was playing with me with the way I'd sneak up on her and hover over her without her knowing, until she'd see me face to face, up close, and run away from me, and I'd hide and creep around corners and she'd be waiting, haha. And she stole our bottled waters and ran ever so slowly away with them.

Entertaining the little shits in day light, myself, Alfredo, Vincent.

On a side note to that, my cousin Tony contacted me and said he misses the way we really got down in the past with big fucking wild fires, and said he'll try to come down for new years, or if we go up there to visit him then, but, I think it'd be better if he came down, we'll see then.

Just started playing this, haven't put much time in it just yet, will hopefully continue.

Waiting to get this when it releases later this month.

KICKIN' IT OUT! Your dream vacation, smile, hostage, refuge, a work in progress, you bleed just like you puke while RUNNING A MILE! I beg to differ, make me an offer, warm summer rain, you bleed just like you puke while running a mile. Hey, are you okay? You look pretty low, very handsome awkward. Do you feel okay? You look pretty low, very handsome awkward. Your market value, your resurrection, your shallow concept, help yourself, I HOPE YOU CHOKE AND DIE! I know you meant it, nice fucking disguise, SO HOLLOW, embrace the burn, you bleed just like you puke while running a mile. You look pretty low. KICKIN' IT OUT!

-The Used/Pretty Handsome Awkward

If you can keep it a secret, then me and the boys will bring pale hell to this town

Mon, 16 Jun 2008 04:59:22 GMT

You woke up this morning, got yourself a gun. Your mama always said you'd be their chosen one. But she said that you're one in a million, you've got to burn to shine, but you were born under a bad sign with a blue moon in your eyes. You woke up this morning, all the love has gone, your papa never told you about right and wrong. But you're looking good, baby, I believe that you're feeling fine, shame about it, born under a bad sign, with a blue moon in your eyes. I see you woke up this morning, the world turned upside down, you know that thing's ain't been the same since the blues walked into town. But you're one in a million, cuz you've got that shotgun shine, shame about it, born under a bad sign With a blue moon in your eyes.
-Alabama 3/Woke Up This Morning (The Sopranos theme/intro version)

Nothin' too new going on, not that I can think of anyway. Hmm, so this is the part where I try to think back on what the fuck I've been doing since the last time. I'm recalling a beach and bbq day some weeks ago with a bunch of people in my family attending. My sister's uhhh, friend whom is now her boyfriend, came down from California to meet her for the first time. Hahaha, these new aged internet built relationships, like I'm one to talk, I fucking love the net. He was supposed to show up to it with her but they never made it, damn, I wanted to give him the cold shake, looking ghetto as fuck, maybe wear the pistol at the hip, ha, more on that stuff later. Anyway, beach and bbq day was a hot fucking day but a well deserved one. Good foods, I didn't even swim, Tianna did and played with some of the kids there with some of the other family older folks. I just remember shooting the little kids with mini water pistols, and watching them look around wondering where the water came from, good shit. I guess this is something my family is trying to keep up with, something we used to do in the past, beach and BBQ, I guess we should be so lucky in Hawaii.
This weekend, Paigey hung out with us for a couple of days, getting high, movies, computers, games, Paige molesting and humping Tianna, beach day with the three of us, dolphin sex, good times. Oh, I was kinda pissed cuz the beach we normally go to had some kinda action going on over there with construction or draining water out, not to mention there was waves and I can't have my white gals drowning and shit, so, we had to find and go to another place. After that, we went on over to the cattle company restaurant, Tom's treat. I think that's the most I've ever spent on food, like 100.00 which is low to a lot of people, but I think it's fucking ridiculous otherwise. But, I was in a good mood and didn't care, good shit.

After the food coma, dropped Paige off at home. Tianna had to be up early to help run her families Garage Sale, in which I thought I was going to help with whenever it was that I woke up, but when I did, they all seemed to be on it already and it seemed like it was enough to me. So I played my games until it was time for my tat appointment. I slept like shit the previous night and woke up with a neck cramp, so I wasn't feeling the idea of sitting in a chair or laying down as I was for some excruciating pain. So I started working on my chest with the character known as Doomgaze/Deathgaze from the video game Final Fantasy 6. A modified version of Yoshitaka Amano's work. It hurts like a motherfucker on the chest, and I just wasn't feeling it to sit it all the way through at the time being. Probably another session or two depending on how I feel.

Paige loves to take swings at me with her constant little dick jokes, that fucking girl, if I was typical insecure male, I'd strangle her, but it's rather laughable, so I make jokes about how stretched out she is or direct her to someone who'd know, Tianna. Lately for a while now, she's always in the dumps, I just wanna make that gal feel good, so I'm chill about it and offer whatever I can, even sex, which she declines because of her love for her ex and something about not wanting to hurt Tianna? Even though Tianna's like right there all the time, and knows, there's nothin' to hide, but she'd love to hump Tianna(and she does dryly/jokingly), nothing I'd object to. I guess what bugs me is that I'd really like to ravage that gal sometimes, just to shut her the fuck up and make her feel good, but that's my male side talkin'. Heck, what I'd give to do that and have Tianna involved, heh-heh, more male side talking. Double heck, I bet it'd be fucking hot, anyway, nice video's and pictures that'd provide.

So back to the top, apparently my youngest sister is gonna move in with her new BF in cali whom she's only met once for a week, but knew for years online. So the connected family is in riots over it, and I'm like, yeah, I know of all the bad possibilities, people, why tell me something like that as if it's supposed to rile me up? I'm all about that stuff, it's good to be aware. But is it good to shelter yourself in fear all the time over everything cuz there's a chance at everything being or ending up bad? Let the fucking kid live and make her own decisions, whether it's a good or bad thing, it's a good change and good experience. It's good to offer the wisdom of opinion though, which I did cuz I don't personally agree with the sudden move thing. But hey, she wants to figure it out, so go for it. My other sister had this huge conversation with me that she calls an argument about it, letting her emotions go wild and what not. Learn how to cut your emotions off and think rationally, jesus.

Started watching the entire Sopranos series over again for me but a first time for Tianna recently, on season 3 already. Bought some Salvia from a shop down here, x15 extract. We both smoked that shit, I dunno what she felt, but I was fucking tripping balls for how short that high is. It feels as if I'm looking up and down very quickly when I'm not, throws off my balance due to the fucked perception, trippy fucking short high on that one. Fuck it, back to work tomorrow.

He wanted to make a difference, be understood, right? Wanted to go the distance, wanted to live that good life. Put some work on that wood, jumped and took flight, left his hand writin' in that book, what that look like? Happy mess is the reach, touch, and manifest it. Caught between respect, your mama, and them battle weapons. Lost your adolescence at them intersections. Spread them wings and you're gonna need some landin' lessons, the sun is gonna burn them feathers. Lost track of time tryin' to ride the bender, used to have an agenda, but really, why remember? Doesn't matter when your head's in a bottle somewhere in tribeca or maybe you sedate it up in silverlake. Cheatin' fate, first rate, feelin' great, tryin' to turn a first date into a friendly game of kill the snake, can't wait to get her face against the pillow case. Progress that came with a cost, rejoice for the rain that will wash. Multiple choice, you can stay on that cross or grab it by the arms and break 'em off. The wheels are stopped, done, so let me off. Deal the cards, but, already lost. Kill me now just to get applause, steal the shot, run and set it off. I feel and I fear and I want and I can't break away. If they buy it for you, how you not gonna drink it? If they fry it for you, how you not gonna eat it? If they throw it to you, how you not gonna hold it, touch it, taste it, love it, and fuck with it a moment? Every city's the same scene, gangrene, vampire's lookin' at your veins, fangs craving, interchangeable hair, similar name, jeans, faux-made, take charge and late start, playthings. It ain't harder to tell, they rebel to celebrate the day their martyr had fell. Now meet 'em at the bar cuz it's part of the sell, felt at peace leavin' pieces of his heart at hotels. Stepped in with his next new best friend on the bed's edge loadin' up on the weapon, tryin' to win big, all bets in, now pull the bedspread back and pop that essence.

-Atmosphere/Can't Break

Every new is getting old

Sun, 01 Jun 2008 23:56:58 GMT

Whistle for the boys now, don't be shy, give us all a song and a reason why. Baby got the bones and a hand me down, says her heart is black but her eyes are brown. Give the boys a flash and they'll love you so, give the girl some cash cuz your mother said so and then take 'em out, look at the queen and any old girl who was in between. Lay yourself down by the side of the bed, oh you naughty girl, you know you tickle me red. You look so dumb and you sound so twee, you can only wish that you were married to me. Well, that's what you get, oh don't get upset, ridiculous you Waiting in the queue, oh whoopee doo. You could have been the best that I've seen. Under the red light, everybody knows you cried last night. Now give us all a go till your face turns red, little Greg said you went home instead. If you stick around, you'll get an alibi and we'll try and keep your pretty face bone dry. Rent a honey, rent a honey, one, two, three, keeping all the boys from your door can't be easy. Well ruby said you was wrecked, you were never well behaved the last time I checked. Everybody knows you cried last night.
-The Fratellis/Everybody Knows You Cried Last Night

As always with the work. Work is gonna be...interesting with like, everyone leaving, including the main boss, didn't see that one coming, wow, I wonder what will happen next? If the new boss sucks, I may be looking for another jobby before I kill the poor bastard, hopefully it doesn't turn out that way, though. A lot of co-workers are leaving too, or may leave, we'll see. It's like I'm a different person when I'm in work mode, I try not to say much to anyone, but enough to fit in and to be accommodating when needed. The way I am, who I am, isn't accepted in the business world, so I have to not fake it, but conceal it...except for this one old dude who works there, his name is Curtis, probably the coolest old person I've ever met and talked to. He worked as a paralegal for years, the corruption of human ways has rotted his mind for the better, so the sardonic communication flows like smoke. Though I never got too open with my boss for obvious reasons, I will miss her, very professional and realistic opposed to the many others.

Aside from that, life has been pretty much back on course after the toe has fully healed over.
-One day later from writing-
Where was I, oh yeah, what else have I been up to, something memorable. I remember one day driving all the way out to my old city to drop off some doctors papers that I forgot at home but realized I didn't have them until I was in the fucking parking lot, god damnit. Ended up seeing some family that day for a while including picking up the nephews, Jayden and Jayslen(was already with us) in another city from school, and riding back out to get the papers and back on to drop all of their asses off. Jayden is still a terror, he greets Tianna or myself with: I hate you! His way of loving, go figure, or the famous: I'll punch you in the eye, no kidding, he says some fucked up shit, I reply with; I'll punch you in the ear.
Don't think I ever dropped a picture of Jayden's younger sister, Jayslen;

This fuckin' kid, some months ago, my sister took her to be in some sorta pageant for a future grant or some shit. So when they're announcing the awards, my sister didn't think they'd win nothin' cuz everyone else makes their kids out to be dolls, so they change her, and they're leaving and they announce the first place winner, and it's her name, wow.

Somethin' else happened, my cousin, the one whom I haven't seen a while and met at the beach & BBQ a couple of entry's back, goes by Vincent, or what I've always known 'em as, Vincent Boy, cuz he was a little fucking boy when I knew 'em, but the mofo's grown up, tall mofo near my height. Anyway, a few weeks ago somethin' happened to 'em while he was partying on his bday night, I'm not sure if it was his 21st or 22nd. The story I got, I'll put together in pieces of just that. So his girlfriend calls his house for him the next day, his mom says he never came home and thought he was out with her or other friends still, they're worried. They later get a call from the police or the hospital or both, whoever the fuck makes that kinda call, but he was in the hospital in critical condition. The report went like this, somewhere in a city, a walking person or jogging person found his body in a fuckin' ditch, badly beaten up and bleeding all over, I heard he was also missing most of his teeth. This is all I heard of the story thus far, he had multiple skull fractures and broken bones, and internal bleeding in his head. They had to take him into immediate surgery in which the chance for survival they claimed is trivial and he could go any time with the brain type of thing. They made it out of the surgery ok, things were looking up, and then he got an infection from surgery, wow, so his head started swelling up with not and once again the docs said it doesn't look good at all. Off island relatives was coming back to the islands to see him cuz they thought he was gonna die. He had a high fever of 102. something, was going into cardiac arrest, in and out of drugged up coma's, eyelids sealed shut from the beating. My cousin Alfredo said they had all sorts of tubes all over his body, said he could tell people was there when he squeezed their hand and said he was also crying. But the best news so far acquired weeks down the road, he went back into surgery to drain the fluids from his head, swelling stopped or went down, they're slowly getting him off of shit, and off the machine, said he's moving his legs and arms around now.
I also found out that they not only found my cousin's body, but they found a girls body near his as well, same conditions, not sure if she was raped or not, I presume so by what the cops think happened.
The cops story: My cousin was walking home from partying, and either stumbled into one person or a group of people beating/raping this girl, whether it was because he was there or he tried to take action and help her, I'm not sure, but he paid the price for whatever the reason was, and they were left there to die. I think the girl is in coma, little chance of survival as well. Fucking cops got nothing to go on as far as I know, better hope the family doesn't get word of who did this before they do. I mean, where the fuck was his friends that he was partying with? What the fuck? I demand REAL justice, fuck the law system.
Input funny prop pictures;

INTERNET=SFB(SERIOUS FUCKING BUSINESS)

Continuing on, when I got the news above, I was driving around with Chadd on that day. Chadd slept over the night before, he drank some beers and we all got stoned in the room watching movies and what not, good chill times. Took Tianna to the tattoo shop the next day to put more lining and some color in her back, here's the picture;

And to introduce Chadd to Doug, my tattoo artist, since Chadd was interested in working on his cover up/full sleeve piece, but he wasn't really prepared or ready, but I figure I get 'em in the front door to meet the dude and see if he likes 'em or not which he does, so he's been working up his idea's ever since then. After sticking around for a while, we decided what we wanted to do and was on our way driving around, haha, fun times. Went back home afterward, showing Chadd some of these nowadays video games on the big screen, just like everyone's first time, it's a fuckin' trip, especially the simulated war game, Call of Duty 4, badass shit. After fucking around with that for a while and watching half of The Mist, went to pick up Tianna from the tat shop, and then dropped Chadd back off at a friends place.

There were some talks with Tianna and her mom potentially buying a house, like a 4 bedroom house with the idea of me, Tianna, Chadd, and even Paige, to all live in and pay our own ways for it for pretty cheap. That idea fell through pretty quickly once they started looking up home prices in the area's that we wanted, and dropped to a 2 bedroom place instead which would be more affordable, if at all, just an idea up in there. Even after I pitched the idea to Chadd and Paige, sucks, it'd be cool though. Not sure if and when this'll even happen still, but it was in replace to buy a new car instead. Same goes with the car deal though, all of these new aged cars look like shit in my opinion, the cheaper end models that is, like Honda etc. The choice is really up to Tianna but she really seems to dig my style in cars, the only cheap cars I told her I digged was the Acura RSX 2002-2006(last model), or a Honda Civic from 2000-2005. She just wants it to be black, I, on the other hand would like to also throw some shoe's on that car as well. Anyway, that's also up in the air, no clue.

I picked up Paige a couple of nights in a row the past two days cuz she's got no one else to call when she's out late workin' and ending up in fucked up places with no more buses coming her way, bad calculating or fucked up bus systems.
Tianna and I did that beach thang last Friday.
I beat Grand Theft Auto IV quite some time ago;

Badass game, haven't even barely touched the multiplayer games much, find 'em to be kinda boring after fucking around a lot in the free mode games, but, back to Call of Duty online, I fucking rule in that game on free for all, I kill everyone.
I was also planning to tattoo my chest this weekend, but that didn't go through, so I'll either plan it for next weekend or the following for sure. A couple of credit cards are soon to be off my back, it's a great feeling, need more ways to score some extra income. Been trying to sell more SN's but the business is pretty dead at the moment, heck, after making about 2000.00 off that shit in a three way split? I'd say we lucked out anyway off of something like that, but hopefully more to come for that little bitty extra cheese. As for the spam thing, that shits locked tight, you won't get in without being apprenticed by someone in that shit.

So I registered my first website ever and I don't know what I'm gonna do with it or how to do anything with it, yet, nor do I really care to, just wanted the domain name.
www.systom.org
It'll just redirect back to this here journal, until I get bored enough to find a host or some shit, if ever.

I've been obsessed about finding a new cellphone, yet again, prepping myself for the future. I've been eyeballing the fuck out of Samsung's Instinct Phone and HTC's Diamond phone, or possibly the Raphael, whichever one decides to come to Sprint so I can score it with it's super low prices. Samsung Instinct:

HTC Diamond:

Also been playing this as of lately;

Not sure what else I'll start on next.

I thought I saw you yesterday, but I didn't stop cuz you was walking the opposite way. I guess I could've shouted out your name, but even if it was you, I dunno what I would say. We can sit and reminisce about the old school, maybe share a cigarette because we both fools. Chop it up and compare perspectives; Life, love, stress, and set backs. Yes, You could tell me how hard you had it and you could show me all the scars to back it and we can analyze each complaint, break it down and explain these mistakes I make. I like to tangle up the strings of the puppetry, but you knew me back when I was a younger me, you've seen Sean in all types of life and I've been meaning to ask you if I'm doing alright? Yesterday, was that you? Looked just like you, strange things my imagination might do, take a breath, reflect on what we've been through, or am I just going crazy cuz I miss you? I'm shook, I know, I pushed when I should've pulled, took it all back if I could, I put that on my soul and I would make a top notch good listener if you could block off a little time out to give it here. Since we went our separate paths, I've hit a couple of snags that remind me of the past. I cant front, I'm having a blast, but damned if I ain't afraid of how long it's gonna last. Sitting here, wishing we could kick it, gimme your opinions, I do miss the criticisms. I didn't mean to be distant, make a visit, I'll wait up and keep the coffee brewing in the kitchen. But who am I jokin' with, there's no way that you and I will ever get to re-open it. It doesn't matter, this is more than love and maybe if im lucky, get to see you out the corner of yesterday. And when you left, I didn't see it comin', I guess I slept, it aint like you was runnin', you crept out the front door slow and I was so self absorbed, I didn't even know and by the time I looked up, it was booked up, put it all behind you; the bad and the good stuff. A whole house full of dreams and steps, I think you'd be impressed with the pieces I kept. You disappeared, but the history is still here, that's why I try not to cry over spilt beer. I can't even get mad that you're gone, leaving me was probably the best thing you ever taught me. I'm sorry, it's official, I was a fistful, I didn't keep it simple. Chip on the shoulder, anger in my veins, had so much hatred, now it brings me shame. Never thought about the world without you and I promise that I'll never say another bad word about you. I thought I saw you yesterday, but I know it wasn't you cuz you passed away, dad. Looked just like you, strange things my imagination might do, take a breath, reflect on what we've been through, or am I just going crazy cuz I miss you?

-Atmosphere/Yesterday

Me

Mon, 12 May 2008 07:57:28 GMT

These warehouse wages kill the ends introduction, man, I should've schooled it up when I was younger, should've stuck to plan. Always had the dreams of being more self assertive and my kids a teenager, now he needs the health insurance, so break my body, break break my soul down, just another zombie walking blindly through your ghost town. Pull up to the bar to politic and tap the power, ain't nobody all that jolly at your happy hour but I don't wanna go home yet, so I'ma talk to my cigarette and that television set. It doesn't matter what brand or station, anything to take away from the current situation. No overtime pay, no holiday, months behind on everything but the lottery. Went around the corner guaranteeing that my car dies, wifey having trouble tryin' to juggle both the part times. My cup ain't close to filled up, we trying to build up so we can have enough and when I finally get the color, won't be nothin' left to paint on, a friend of mine tried to kill himself to the same song.
My better half is mad at making magic out of canned goods, my tax bracket status got her questioning my man hood, my shorty got caught smoking weed at a concert and if I smack 'em, everybody treats me like a monster. My neighbors ain't doing much better and we making competition instead of sticking together. Can't save no nest egg, in fact, this nest is rented, in fact, that rent is late, wait, the money ain't here, the raise ain't comin', just me and my son and that crazy woman and those bartenders, this whole fucking country got everybody swallowing that lunch meat.
Well maybe we can speed up the process, kill me in my thirties in the name of progress, put me in the dirt and then change the topic. Sometimes it seems like the only way to stop it, contemplate my departure date, doesn't take a lot to get a lot of us to talk this way, take a shot at me, that's all I'm obligated for, apparently my only guarantee is a walk away.
Thee only guarantee in life is a life worth dying for cuz death don't wait for no one, sitting on your front door.
-Atmosphere/Guarantees

So it turns out from my last entry, before the music one, I did in fact break my toe. I got kept out of work for that entire week, including the next. It was a bitch to not being able to walk around much at all for the first week and a bit more...but I can't deny that I wasn't excited that this couldn't have happened at a better time, right on the week of GTA4's release date, awesome quality time well spent.
-long pause, hours later, 2AM, attempt at sleep-

-A day or two later-
Ok ummm, -re-reads what I typed- Yeah, anyway, broken toe and GTF(fucking)A, best vacation ever in a long time. Gamed it up a lot and even played online with Danny, great funny shit. I still fuck with Call of Duty 4 as well, that's my niche, my thing.

Aside from that, I don't remember what else I've been up to, I visited Erica on one day for a bit more than an hour or so before doing a luncheon with Tianna after picking her up from College, Yummy's. It's probably strange that for the most part, I never eat in restaurants but rather in a car...parking lots and cars, I guess Tianna doesn't mind or care, it just bugs me to be chowing down next to the other pigs in the pen and every sound that stings my ears and kills my appetite. Any who, I believe Erica finally left back to Washington not too long after the last time we kicked it, watched some T.V, and a bit snooping about with her sister going through her man's myspace and finding non-pleasant shit just cuz he forgot to log out, fucked up, hahaha.

My cousin Alfredo also visited me on one of those days as well, been a while since we kicked it and a first time he's seen my new room and what not, he was also taking off on rock and taking a break and swung by for a few hours. Basically just chilled in the AC while gaming it up, blows his mind with the new games and what not, awesome shit.

What else what else, went and saw Harold And Kumar 2 with Tianna on my last weekend of freedom before going back to work, pretty funny, we got stoned of course before hand for the full experience. No one else was in the theater, talk about awesome time and day, fuck yeah, so because of that, had to take advantage, Tianna blew me in the theater, like midway, some people walked in and looked up, I kinda just cuddled Tianna like we were watching a movie, they left, and she continued, hahaha, awesome shit. Ummm, she also blew me in the men's bathroom when I went back to work while on a break, ahhh, everyone deserves that.

Paige hung out with us a couple of times since. My god, that girl can eat.

See? The video doesn't lie, hahaha.
The second time being yesterday unto this very morning--I was supposed to hang out with Chadd but he pulled a Neil Patrick Harris on me and went on a personal adventure, wherever god sends him, haha, oh well, we'll kick it for sure later. Today, after dropping off Paige, to the tattoo shop I went! God, it's been a while, a real session that is before my last touch up session, I needed this therapy. Tianna went to some i-net cafe around the corner to catch up on some school work while I shot the shit with my artist Doug while he worked. I love that guy man, he's the fucking shit. I'll post previous pictures of my previous work so the new work can be seen at what was done;
(While I finish up fixing lyrics and uploading photo's, you know what I wonder or am thinking about right now? I bet some females would altogether would not wanna meet me or do anything with me just for the fact of how openly write in this journal, I bet that shit would hold true, fucking puppets, hahaha, or, I guess it could work the other way as well, fucking puppet whores, hahaha, back to work)

The statue, the scorpion, hourglass, star&skull, and spade skull, was all filled in. Not sure how the whites are gonna heal up in my arm, will tell and and go from there(it's pink looking due to the blood). Damn, it's a been long ass fucking time coming, done, or just about.

I love this fucking video, I'd jerk off to it if I could;

Naked in the bathtub, sittin' on the porcelain, waitin' for that little hurricane to pull your torso in. The water don't run, just drips like rain, still drips like a painkiller drips to the veins. Fill it up with a bag of that happy stuff cuz the way she runs out, you could tell she ain't had enough. Good times goddess, my goodness, got finger nail polish, autopilot foot prints. With a smile that's stitched to the fabric of bedtime tales that keep them kids out of the attic. The mouth of madness, loud and manic, the motive of the bird going south on the atlas. Picture a hole, put your hero in, envision the gold, now zero in. Been watching your night train track for the last few stops with no desire to hop it--how did we end up in your apartment? Pocket full of gossip says this ain't smart and when it's all said and done, can't hit restart, but I'll be damned if I don't wanna kiss you--hard.
Shoulda known better not to fuck with you, ain't got nothin' but too much to lose. Lost in the rush, don't know what to do, that drug got you like I want you.
I've got a restraining order against Satan's daughter and I keep it at the bottom of this Jamison and water. And when we get there, you can sit there and stare from behind your mascara and your thick hair. I'm aware of that pain you harbor, the same negative game to the names you martyr. Apart from the details and substance and whatnot, I fucks with that hunger of love pistol gut rot, bloodshot, give me one shot, my shot, wrapped up on enough talk to make the time stop. The lines of chalk that that benjamin might cop, killed the illustrations on the neighborhood sidewalks. Then all of a sudden she got silent; pupils like marbles hide behind eyelids. Get away sticks, go limpin', hold place. That fucked up smile sucked up most her face. Truly, beauty, the scene serene and each criticism becomes redeemed. Swallow my words, no more judgment, it's true, cuz you look like what I feel like when I'm with you.
Shoulda known better not to fuck with you, ain't got nothin' but too much to lose. Lost in the rush, don't know what to do, that drug got you like I want you.

-Atmosphere/Shoulda Known

P.S.;

Double P.S, wow;

Fri, 02 May 2008 11:38:48 GMT

Yeah, the child in the mirror was homely, so he learned early on how to switch into low key. Little person, observant and accurate, grew the skills to argue and the passion to back it with. Kick over the blocks just to re-build 'em, cuz mom and pop used to pop, pop, sound familiar? Daddy had to leave, but mama kept hurtin', so he stepped up to help be an anchor and a burden and right around the same time, he started noticing girls, but they wouldn't pay him any mind and if they ever did, he got nervous, you should've seen him practice on his hand for his first kiss. And even though he was too young to hunt and gather, hungry puppy had to learn how to front and swagger. It didn't matter, it was all self-esteem, at sixteen, you only needed one on your team. And mom and dad was never gettin' back together, so he was on some; "baby, we gon' make it last forever." Basically married right out of high school, five years of gettin' high and fightin' at a drive thru and when he hit 21, they made a son, but on his 22nd birthday, their relationship was done. Now he's got a best friend instead of a wife, but he feels like he stole the best years of her life. After that, it was one co-dependent to the next, a lot of love, a lot of hate, and a little bit of great sex. Self-learning in between the self-loathing, strangled in a cycle, can't feel yourself choking. Some of them would over-lap, some of them would double back, none of 'em deserved to be exposed to all the trouble that he posed. Strike one; not even out of fear, he don't even do rough sex, you bite 'em and he's outta here. Make no mistake, he put's the MAN in manipulate and he's attracted to the women that reciprocate. Yall can kick karma till it's getting late, until mama's little drama is the topic of the big debate. And nowadays the confidence is off the page cuz women are attracted to that clown on the stage. He's only in town for a handful of hours, but Rapunzel wanna come down and dance in the flowers. Wanna make a smile, wanna make a laugh, wanna make up for the mistakes in the past? Wanna act like he doesn't know better, if paybacks a bitch, he'll be in debt forever. Insecure, impatient, temporary gratification, self-validation, that's what it's made of, it's all true, and it's thee only reason that he's even talkin' to you. Who? You can try to fix my broken wings, you can know all the words to the songs I sing, but you don't need to know whats wrong with me unless you think you're gonna come home with me. Come're.

-Atmosphere/Me

SHE BLOWS HER BRAINS RIGHT OUT HER FUCKING MOUTH!

Tue, 22 Apr 2008 07:52:14 GMT

All I can say is that my life is pretty plain, I like watchin' the puddles gather rain. And all I can do is just pour some tea for two and speak my point of view, but it's not sane, it's not sane. I just want someone to say to me oh, oh, oh, oh, "I'll always be there when you wake." Yeah, yeah. Ya know I'd like to keep my cheeks dry today, so stay with me and I'll have it made. And I don't understand why I sleep all day and I start to complain that there's no rain. And all I can do is read a book to stay awake and it rips my life away, but it's a great escape. Escape...escape...escape. All I can say is that my life is pretty plain, ya don't like my point of view, you think I'm insane. It's not sane...it's not sane. I'll have it made, I'll have it made, you know we're really gonna, really gonna have it made.
-Blind Melon/No Rain

dot dot dot
dock dock dock
tic tic tic
the times goes by.

So from the last time, or there lack of saying much of anything. Paige whom I got hired at my job got fired some time ago, so that's pretty gay. The reasons were due to new strict policy, probably cuz both corporations are losing money so it's their nice way of letting people go by weaving out the bad or the one's who like to do real work aside from fuck around work. In other words, attack the players and not the problem, yeah, geniuses around the world. Doesn't surprise me anyway with the current times of the economy and where it's headed for a group of people's greed unto slavery plans. Then again, I don't think it was all because of that, Paige broke rules, but I personally don't think it was worth firing over, pretty stupid.
Anyway, Paige hung out with Tianna and I quite some time after that. I picked her up earlier cuz she was bored and we were just gonna chill for a little bit till Tianna was gonna get near to being done with the Tattoo shop, which was called upon sooner but ended up being much much later when we got to the tattoo shop. Tianna's working on a full back piece, surprises me that she's actually going through with it;

That's most of the line work, I think it was like a 7 hour session or so. So after that, we headed back home and got take out. After playing some games, getting high, laying around and fuckin' around, chit chatting, time flew by, Paige was like passed out on the couch thing. We went into the other room and fuxed it out, and bed. Tianna got all emo in bed with herself that night, I won't go into detail about that, typical Tianna/female type of stuff, pretty gay and stupid in my opinion, but I accommodate as best as I can. Paige left waaaaay early in the morning, I dunno why that girl didn't just crash over, life does go on.

Speaking of tattoo's, I'm gonna jump into my next session within a week or two to finally finish off my arm, or most of it. So I'm pretty stoked about that, time to fill in the blank pieces on my arm with color. I couldn't afford it for a while, and probably still can't cuz I borrowed money from Tianna that was to be paid back immediately, for other random crap, from taxes and all that. Buuuuut she said to hold off on her "tab" as much as I hate that cuz I don't like owing anyone anything, and she told me to go get tatted instead...OK. On the speaking of TAB part, she has a plan to get me out of my main credit card debt which'll help her and me in the end. Basically she got a credit card with USAA, she plans to pay off my Bank Of America card in large amounts across a half year span. By doing what she's doing, she'll be building herself into a good credit status, it'll also get me back into a good status as well, and, in the process, saves me 2,000.00+ in ass raping interest. That credit card was a fucking curse, years ago I had a plan for it...but that plan fell through when my car got stolen and I pumped a couple of grands worth in credit into it, I didn't mind it then...so I just got screwed in the end, thus is my life. But, I'm glad that she's helping me out cuz it's my only main debt that I'd be on forever due to the interest, hear me out people, FUCK bank of america, stay away from them. That's exactly what they are, bank of capitalist. Beforehand of this plan, I was originally trying to take out yet another credit card to balance transfer with a lower APR rate...stopped that because Tianna's mom intervened and said she would take my debt but then she also got screwed in selling one of her houses in California, so that blew over. I tried applying for that credit card with American Express but was denied, thus the last plan came about and not from me. Anyway, back on topic, tattooing, it's been a while...depending on whether my arm gets finished in the next session or not, I plan to fully finish my arm if needed, minus the elbow, and then to start the line work on my chest. This is what I'm gonna do on my chest, a piece by Yoshitaka Amano(did a lot of the artwork for Final Fantasy games) but it's to be altered some to be more fitting, just gotta wait and see;

DoomGaze/DeathGaze from Final Fantasy VI.

On a whim more forth coming to the the current time that I'm writing this, about a week or so ago, I met some gal that I talked to on myspace. It was so random, and we haven't even talked much either. Swapped messages for a while a long time ago, random AIM conversation and come to find out, she's like 10 minutes away, so she's bored as fuck and wants to get off of the island and back to Washington state, and demands that she's picking me up and we're going adventuring, SOMETHING, ANYTHING. I'm like; "uhhhhh, hmmmmm" Cuz I'm not really used to the sudden type of thing, but was like, whatever, fuck it, come get some. She picked me up, we went driving towards the west side, incoming my god damn home town that people never get to see and there's a reason for that...BUT, I guess it's worth seeing if you like going on safari's and that type of thing. It's ghetto, some say it doesn't look that bad, but it is what it is and in some parts more than others... But the beaches were the main attraction, so we went to the end of the island in day light. Walked around some on the rocks and that area, she seemed to be loving it all in the new experiences and all. Erica;

Since this entry has a lot of tattoo references, this is hers;

(After she showed me that in person, I was like; "All right, finally, this is what I came here for, time to go now, haha")
We just chit chatted about whatever, I felt pretty comfortable being around her in no time, she's pretty open to whatever's said and not take things so seriously, so, yeah. She wanted to see my gun cuz she's never saw one before in person, got a little cover and pulled it out...then she wanted to possibly fire it but was iffy on that, hahaha. I'm the devil on a lot of people's shoulders, so I pushed for it, we headed to the mountains where I like to shoot off, walked the path. I told her to cover her ears and be weary cuz it'll be pretty loud, and just cocked and blew one off quickly. She was soooooo scared, hahaha, but I told her seeing it and hearing it is nothin' compared to actually firing it...so I taught her how to hold it properly, aiming, bracing, very quickly, and spotted her from behind with my arms cuz she was terrified, haha. Slowly but surely, POP, ears ringing, and that was that, like fucking for the first time. We left there pretty quickly, drove back towards home, she wanted pizza cuz she eats a lot(the fuck is it with the chicka's I kick it with who love to pig out?) although I love the realism in those type of things anyway. So we're driving and eating pineapple pizza, go to her place that's her sisters playing, hanging there for a while, had her roll a joint cuz I suck at it, went outside, toked it up behind the house. In her old room on a familiar couch, just in blankets petting her leg like a stoned idiot till her sis and husband, or boyfriend, I dont remember, got home. She dropped me off not too long after that, her sister was like taking notice of all the tats, and told me;WOW, nice and motions around the neck area, haha. Since then, we were to hang out again since she's leaving for Washington soon, perhaps we will, gotta smoke her out again before she leaves.

During the previous paragraph, another friend whom came down from the states to Hawaii, I wanted to meet up with if time permitted. AMY, but she was on a cruise around the islands most of the days, I just told her numerous times to live it up and fuck it all while she's here, breathe. But, it seemed she was more tied with family and stuff, and couldn't get away with the ghetto boy, but there wasn't much time anyway, but, she did have a blast and did get some ass and was around grass but should've been smoking grass but was boozed up the whole time anyway, fuck yeah.

Now the good stuff, WORK. Well, I game it up during work(see below), but some during the weeks, Tianna met me there earlier and blew me in the fire escape on one of my breaks. Now that's what everyone needs, is a fucking sex break, it'd make this life long slavery worth it. Speaking on this subject, we've been doing a lot of different ANAL sex positions, for a while it was just pretty much the easiest and one way...until it branched off into similarly normal sex positions but for the backdoor. Also figured out that using a cock vibrating ring while makes it easier, keep that one in mind people.

And 4-20-08, the stoner awareness day. I don't care for that type of thing cuz I smoke any time I want to, but watched some documentary called SUPER HIGH ME, like SUPER SIZE ME, it was pretty stupid and funny at the same time, haha. Anyway, went to the beach today, same beach as posted in the previous pictures, very nice day out. The day before this one, while out in my old city picking up drugs, I stubbed my fucking toe into a big fucking rock that I didn't see when walking around a corner...it hurt like a motherfucker, I really kicked the fucking thing. I wasn't sure, and am still not sure what kinda damage is done to it...broken, fractured, bad sprain? I'm not sure. I sat it out for a day after it's throbbing pain, popped tylenol EX's, smoked weed, popped that pill that Jeanette gave to me, Lorazepam, also iced it all night long. I decided to wait it out until the next day, Monday, and skipped work. I woke up on Monday to no pain, it only hurts if I apply pressure to it so I walk with a sorta limp now to keep weight off of it. Hopefully it's even better tomorrow so I can go back to work, otherwise I just may be going to the doctors after all just to get a doctors note to cover for the missed days. However, I don't think it's that bad, I hope not anyway, hahaha. Anyway, with the bad toe and all, I went to the beach and it was fucking beautiful.

Mostly been playing two games at work to kill the time;

&

The world ends on the 29th, probably one of the last things worth living for...for now;

You love the people that love you, You hear the music they move to. You give your ode to the fall through, but you don't know, you don't know, you don't know, you don't know, you love the people that love you. You hear the music they move to, you give your ode to the fall through, but you don't know, you don't know, you don't know, you don't know you.

You just got off work, huh? Another night feel like the worst one. You didn't even count your tips yet, but you could tell that it ain't no big step. I don't see why you so nice to customers, they're all fucks and low lifes. But don't fight, just keep the lip stiff and get that money, it's the weekend shift. But why they all gotta be freaks? Wish they would just eat and leave and keep they eyes to theyselves, already insecure, don't need any help. You can blame the pride that makes you hold your anger inside, but deep down you wanna curse them all; fuck off asshole jerk off dirt ball.

Now attitude check, still show up? You haven't quit yet? And even when you're meek and sweet, they still treat you like a piece of meat. Outrageous, each day this clock tick tock and you still a waitress. Trying to pay them student loans and the lights and the phone and the food and the home. And you ain't quite broke but you couldn't afford that place on your own. Got a room mate to split the rent with, now you never feel independent and everything seems so hallow cuz after work, where'd that smile go? Better bring it back tomorrow, now, pick up the pace and you might make bar close. Perfect, last call, then some, flirtin', sexual tension, surfin' through them men cuz they all searching for that bent one. But just one to bend and you look like you could be my friend. With a smile like that, I gotta flirt, girl, you just look like you got off work.
You don't know you.

-Atmosphere/You

The Bible's blind, the Torah's deaf, the Qur'an is mute,

Sat, 05 Apr 2008 02:18:15 GMT

Skipped work today, went to the beach;

Playing;

+ New Call Of Duty 4 maps RIGHT NOW!

Meaning is sometimes hard to spot. It begins with the flickering of cigarettes in the darkness of a dorm room somewhere in this suffocated...mid-west. But if this is real, then I was mistaken, and if there is truth, then why can't we find it? But beauty comes to those who have been waiting for something that is bigger than themselves. But this is the sound of the hopeless kids as they scream from the basements of the houses of their parents and this is the sound of the hopeless ones as they stare down at their books and realize that they’ve been lied to. But if this is real, then I was mistaken, and if the vision’s gone, then I was not aware. Consistency like that which I have craved, is that people change so unexpectedly and realization finds you in a drunken airport, some planes depart and others never arrive. So with this in mind, I don't plan on waiting, if it’s time to leave and break these old ties. Without something more, the vision is fading, but until it’s gone, the pain will make us try, it’ll make us try. But this is the hope I’ve been searching for as the wings catch the sunlight of the cold Nebraska skyline and this is the dream I am dying in as I wait to find tomorrow, be content without perfection. But if this is real, then I was mistaken, and if the vision’s gone, then I was not aware.

-Bright Eyes/I Watched You Taking Off

CHEWED OFF MY VERY OWN HAND TO GET ME OUT OF THIS TRAP!

Sun, 30 Mar 2008 22:56:45 GMT

HEY, SOUND THE BELLS AND TAKE TO THE STREETS IN ARMS! WE'RE DESCENDING FAST, A POX ON YOUR HOUSE OF CARDS! DRY YOUR EYES, YOUR DAUGHTERS HAVE LOST THEIR FAITH AND STARTED FEEDING UPON THE BAIT THAT WE WEAR ON OUR SLEEVE! PROMISE US YOU WON'T TELL THE PUBLIC THE FURY WITH WHICH WE DESPOIL! I'VE GOT A WIFE AND KIDS AND A HYBRID CAR, I'VE GOT A GOOD LIFE I CAN'T RISK LOSING! IF YOU CAN KEEP IT A SECRET, THEN ME AND THE BOYS WILL BRING PALE HELL TO THIS TOWN! WE'RE TROUBLE BOUND AND WE SUMMON THE DEVIL ELECTRIC! PREY ON THE FAINT OF HEART, WE SING PRAISE OF THE REBELS WHO WENT BY THE BOOK! GRAVITATE TO TEENAGERS ARTLESSNESS AND SING IT ALOUD, THE CONTENT IS TRIVIAL! IT'S PILLOW TALK, PLAGIARIZED BY THE GADGETS OF LUST! JUST GO TO SLEEP, LEAVE THE GESTURES AND CUSTOMS TO US! CRY FRAUD AND LET PLAY THE ANTHEM OF WAR! BOYS, STAND YOUR GROUND, KEEP THE DELICATE FINGERS BUT WRATH IN YOUR WHITE KNUCKLED GRIP! THE FILM IS LOADED AND IT'S AIMED AT THE WHITES IN THEIR EYE'S! You put out...to get in...and we slipped right past the guards in the belly of A HORSE, SLOWLY SUNK OUR FANGS INTO THE PULP OF A DESPERATE ANGST, WE'RE POWERLESS JUST UNTIL WE'RE INVITED INSIDE! IF YOU CAN KEEP IT A SECRET, THEN ME AND THE BOYS WILL BRING PALE HELL TO THIS TOWN! WE'RE TROUBLE BOUND AND WE SUMMON THE DEVIL ELECTRIC! PREY ON THE FAINT OF HEART, WE OWE THANKS TO THE REBELS WHO WENT BY THE BOOK, DON'T GIVE UP THE SHIP, WE'D RATHER SINK THAN ADMIT IT! DON'T GIVE UP THE SHIP, WE ONLY HAVE ONE NIGHT IN TOWN!
-Every Time I Die/Rebel Without Applause

QUICK, HALF ASS, NOT THE NORM, SHORT;
Went to a ghetto family/I guess b-day sorta beach & BBQ thing on one weekend with Tianna, I forgot what weekend it was, great food and good times with some family surprisingly, Alfredo was there as well, couple of uncle's, my mom and two sisters, and some of the kids, here's the rats in rotten innocence;
Jayden & Jason, two rotten kids that conspire evil...

Paige hung out with us on some day of the week and a contest was won;
Tianna & Paige;

All three;

Went to the hospital/ICU some early morning around 1:00AM cuz Tianna's daddy had a bad heart attack. Was there for some hours waiting on the results, they had to cut him open and stick something into his artery I believe. But, he made it out OK, live to die another day.

You've got this new head filled up with smoke and I got my veins all tangled close to the jukebox bars you frequent, the safest place to hide. A long night spent with your most obvious weakness, you start shaking at the thought, you are everything I want cuz you are everything I'm not. And we lay, we lay together just not too close, too close. How close is close enough? We lay, we lay together just not too close, too close. I just wanna break you down so badly while I trip over everything you say. I just wanna break you down so badly in the worst way. My inarticulate store bought hangover hobby kit in time, it says; You, oh, you are so cool. Scissor shaped across the bed, you are red, violent red, you hollow out my hungry eyes, you hollow out my hungry eyes. I'm gonna make damn sure that you can't ever leave, no, you won't ever get too far from me. I'll make damn sure that you can't ever leave, no, you won't ever get too far from me. You won't ever get too far.
-Taking Back Sunday/Make Damn Sure

Works been getting gay with the stripping of small benefits and updated systems to end corruptions on the inhouse end, when really, they oughta be fixing the fucking problems instead of cracking down on the some innocent, just because they suck the FCC's dick. Not to mention, the cool ass supervisor is leaving for another job, ugh, I need another source of income of some kind...could this be an attempt to start looking for a new job? It should be, but it probably won't be.

I started playing Final Fantasy 7: Crisis Core a week before it's release, game is awesome and beautiful.

I beat God of War of course. Still playing Call of Duty 4 online and awaiting the new map pack on the 3rd, still on disc 3 for Lost Odyssey which I play from time to time...I plan on beating all these games before the end of april when GTA4 comes out and the world ends.

Here's a video that Jeanette did, or Chieko, that she invited me to show up for, I'm guessing the crowd scene is where I would've been unless I could've killed someone! Hahaha. But, couldn't make it so I'll post this on here anyway, music video that she and some others worked on for their band Aim For The Heart, hawaii based band. I also met Jeanette some random night at 1 or 2 in the morning to pick up some pills that's been laying on my floor for what it seems like weeks now, I keep forgetting them! I'll take them eventually to give it a drug test run.

Went along on another day with Tianna to some stores where she actually purchased things, like this camera;
S10 Casio Exilim

And a USB hub for the Xbox 360, some clothes for her etc.

Depressionista.

(George Bush Recording)
Once again North Korea has defied the will of the international community...and the international community will respond. This was confirmed, uh, this morning in conversations that I had with leaders of China, and South Korea, Russia, and Japan.
(Pad AKA Ghost)
Kicking back, countin' cash piles on my floor until the day feds come smash down my door. I'll apply myself and do it by myself cuz when I find my wealth, you gon' find yourself asking for help, but I done told you bitch, I always (?) so I don't owe you shit. Jealousy's a bitch and all my friends get pissed cuz I walk around acting like I'm the shit, but the truth is, I am, god damn, let me live, I ain't trying to be fly, just provide for my kid. I'm designed to get rich, slipping off into the streets with my hand on my dick, flipping off the police. Yo it's G-H-O-S-T, that's right, I drive at 105 cuz I'm ready to die, getting rich, trying to stack change, taking checks, I'm living life in the fast lane, chasing death motherfucker.
(Plex AKA Kol)
Uh, it's Big Kol and Ghost, we leave 'em comatose, fuck talkin', I'll show 'em the toast. I take little dudes, show 'em the ropes, then I turn 'em into fiends when I show 'em the smoke, fuck dreams, na'mean? Why haven't I made it, why do I fight it, why am I hated? I'm on the street lights and I'm standing on the pavement while I'm watching fake rappers getting grammy nominated. So I sit back and I pray to God to make my life go easy cuz right now it's way too hard. I'm in the fast lane riding through the rap game, if they see my face, they gon' notice that I'm laughin'. So I keep rappin' and now rappers wanna get me and now they on stage lip syncing like britney, and they fuckin' up chris crocker on the phone, he yellin' out; KOL, LEAVE THEM DUDES ALONE! Then I hung up like; Homo don't call me. If they wanna scrap, they can bring a whole army. Plus I figured I ain't got time for this rap shit, so see me when you see me, I'll put you in the casket, that's it.
-Ghost & Kol/Fastlane
(I know of both of these dudes(Plex AKA Kol is a pal), but I dig this track enough to type out the lyrics)

YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT YOU'RE UP AGAINST, YOU HAVE NO IDEA!

Mon, 10 Mar 2008 00:40:26 GMT

You complete my fate, the world unwinds inside of me. You complete my fate, the halo crawls away. You repeat my fate, rewinding all we can. You refill my place, you refill my place...place. Come and save me, come and save me, come and save me, come and save me, come and save me. You complete my fate, the heavens stroll inside of me. You repeat my fate, revealing who we are. You refill my place, you refill my place...place. Come and save me. Believe in me and drink the wine and take my hand and fill me up, believe in me and drink the wine and take my hand and let me follow.
-Monoral/Kiri(Ergo Proxy)

The way I usually start my entries, with getting that WORK thing out of the way. I still work at the same place, but I was considering on trying to apply for another job, or a better position, one that pays more, but also one which would require drug tests etc, and I'm not ready to give up my precious drugs for more money to not enjoy my life with because of some long line of legality bullshit. Soooo, I decided against that, I'll make money else where, if at all possible, and not in a legal way either, fuck it. I've also been trying to look into SPAMMING, we all hate SPAM but in truth, most people have no fucking clue how much SPAMMERS really bank, shits ridiculous for sitting on your computer all the 24/7. But it is not easy, not easy at all to get in good or accepted with these selected groups and characters, not even for information.
But, I do my work, I play my games, I pictochat with advising_away on the Nintendo DS here and there about random or serious whatever, or the little tidbits of fucking around with each other around the job. YES, that's something I also did, I bought a Nintendo DS, I figured there's a good handful of games I could play on it, so I ordered a hacked card for it to just download and play games on it for free like the cheap skate I am...still awaiting the arrival on that shipping from Canada, slow motherfuckers, but, Tianna also got one as well, yeeehaaaw.

Here's a latest picture of my ugly ass fresh out the shower, cam whoring just ain't what it used to be;

I was super proud of myself and Tianna for handling what I'll call "Project Peanut Butter" a while ago for flip_o_potamus. Glad it all went through, glad you enjoyed your shit, rock the green, drink some coffee, eat some nuts, make a classic but ghetto PB&J sandwich, hahahaha.

Something I've been running into a lot lately and just fucking hating, WHY THE FUCK DO PEOPLE NOT USE THEIR BLINKERS!? Oh my fucking god, I fucking throw fits of rage because of this shit, whether it's cutting me off or not knowing when to turn cuz jack offs just swing around corners without blinkers, or not letting me know which way they're turning(TURNING ON YOUR BLINKERS WHILE YOU'RE ALREADY TURNING DOES NOT COUNT YOU FUCKING MORONS), WHAT THE FUCK!? How do these fucking idiots get their license? Jesus fucking Christ, I fucking shouted out the other night right into some fuckers open window; USE YOUR FUCKING BLINKERS! And I never do shit like that, I'm gonna end up pulling the pistol on some fuck wad for something stupid like that, fucking idiots, I'll beat someone's fucking face in with the iron, I hate 'em.

Anyway, I got a couple hours done on my arm for a touch up job with inking, stilllll too drained from bills and being a broke mofo for a while before I can actually finish up my arm, god damn it's been prolonged, I oughta fuckin' rob someone for tats, or, WILL FUCK FOR TATS, my new slogan. I also wanna get started or even finish up working on a chest piece as well this year, if it permits...then again, I'm also planning on buying a PS3 bundled with Metal Gear Solid 4 mid this year, so fuck, I don't know. I've noticed that I've really gotten into video games again, but, I enjoy it's company.

And here I sit, trying to remember since I last posted what the fuck I did, if anything was worth mentioning...OH YEAH, I ate at a restaurant, now, this kinda stuff I don't like or am just not used to at all, I don't normally like eating at restaurants cuz I don't find it to be a fucking event, it takes me like 5 minutes to eat any meal and I'm out, I don't wanna hang around in the stupid social human zoo and flock and talk about stupid bullshit and being next to everyone and etc, disgusting filthy shit. But I went with Tianna to THE CATTLE COMPANY at like 3:00 to avoid rush hour eating time, for her b-day. What can I say, I fucking loved the place, very dark setting, big ass huge booths that almost seclude you from other people, and STEAK, which was quite delicious, not to mention all the crazy appetizers, do people really eat this much? And we had these Hawaiian mixed drinks(no alch) and it was god damn delicious as well, I loved it all. In fact, I'll probably go there again in the near future, 60.00 some well spent. Oh, and we went to the aquarium before eating at that place...and the place is not what I remembered as a kid, it's fucking tiny, so fucking small, tiny, and I had an urge to club the seal or break the glass on some of those freaky watered creatures.

Silent Hill: Origins, I once mentioned this game before but I quit playing it solely because whenever I soft shut down my PSP, the game wouldn't load again...and with my shitty battery at the time, it wasn't worth it to leave the fucking thing running...but since I bought a new and better battery, and also updated my hacked psp, it's been working fine again, and I've been getting into the game just because I've nothing better to play...until God of War: Chains of Olympus came out some days ago;

I picked up this game a while ago and don't play it as much as I should, probably cuz I fiend to shoot people in Call of Duty 4 more. But, I do put in my effort when I have a lot of free time to do so, it's not that I don't like the game, but I just get bugged by some minor aspects of it, but the game is actually beautifully done from what I've experienced so far, actually, I think it deserves better ratings than it got from most game sites. It's a really epic tale, from what I do know so far, though.

Ugh, this fucking game, this is what I've been doing with A LOT of my free time, all I do is get on xbox live, and shoot people in various and different ways. Well, there's different type of game modes that I usually jump to and from, like Ground War Team Death Match, 9 on 9 players for the most kills, or Free For All, cuz quite frankly, I love being the lone shark and I love killing everyone. Then there's Hardcore Team Death match, which I call the most realistic game settings, in which if you get shot once or twice, you'll fucking die, and you can also kill your team mates in this one, so, everyone tries to play a lot more sneakingly and tactical, and even with friends, you try to play more accordingly while talking on the headsets.
If anyone that reads this wants a piece of me or on whatever else Xbox Live games, my gamer tag on XBL is
"Systom"

I've still yet to make up for my MOVIES section in the entertainment field whenever I write here...but there's just too much fucking movies that I watch! And I can never remember them all, I should make a list and save it on my desktop or some shit, how bothersome.

Thanks to chieko_neko for getting me into this one, I really dig the art, the style, and the music through out this anime. There were a few episodes that I found to be fucking stupid or pointless towards the end, and I even skipped through some of it, but other than that, I thought it was a fine grand confusing fucking anime. I still don't get all of it, it seems to end incomplete in a whole anyway, so much more to be uncovered...but it finally gathers together in the end for the most part, but still. Not sure if I mentioned it in my previous entry, but I also bumped into chieko_neko while she was on the job when I first picked up my piece of godly Call of Duty 4, it wasn't the meeting we were expecting, ya know, the one where we meet and she gets hit by a car, or some kinda freak death accident, haha, but apparently she for saw the meeting...strange, but, it was short, I asked her to assist me with a cellphone that teleports, and had to goooo, and for some reason, she reminds me of one of the main characters in this Anime mentioned here, Lil.

Got this shit from daniel and I don't normally do these things but he's a good bro and selected me to do it, so I'll fucking do it but I'll also tag myself just to end the chain;
(1. You have 50 dollars in your pocket what do you do with it?
Multiple choices; Pay a bill, buy a game, buy marijuana, buy food, or save up for ink, whatever permits first at the time.

2. What is your most guilty pleasure?
Sex, Weed, and Call of Duty 4, and music.

3. Outdoors or indoors?
Mostly indoors, but out doors if there's a storm or night time sky.

4. Are you confused as to what lies ahead of you?
Fuck nah, death awaits me and I'm open arms to it. Why be worried about something we couldn't possibly know or understand after just that? Live people.

5. Where do you see yourself in five years?
No clue, maybe doing the same shit? I've no plans for the future at all but to keep having fun and laughing until I die; live free, stay true.

6. Which is more blessed, loving someone or being loved by someone else?
I'm not weak like I used to be so I've no real care or need to be loved by anyone, I'll do the lovin' in my own ways.

7. What's your theory on dating?
Depends on your definition of dating, for one. I don't agree with the normal standards of dating for myself, not saying it doesn't work for others...but just not for me, I'd rather just have friends, and if something leads to THAT type of thing, then it will under circumstances.

8. What is something that you love?
Art and Music in all of it's ways are my only true loves.

9. Is there anything that has made you unhappy recently?
Aside from repetitive, then no, not really anything.

10. What do you want most in life?
To laugh and have a good time with good people, and the eventual death.

11. If you could have a special power and only one, what would it be?
Immortality, I wanna watch this world till it ends.

12. If you find out that your best friend is going out with your boyfriend/girlfriend, how would you react?
It'd depend if I found out by whom and the amount of time or how far apart it was, unless it was actual cheating? This question needs to be a bit more clear. And going out in what way, like CHEATING going out or having dinner or some shit? I can't even answer this crap.

13. If you could change anything, would you?
A lot of the systems and governments with the way the world works with evil men who think they're gods brought upon by wealth. Myself? Nah, not really, no, although more money does sound appealing, but, whatever.

14. What kind of person do you think you are?
A logical, trustworthy, honest, but fuck with me and I'll cut your head off in half and piss on your corpse, kinda guy. Dark, queit, blah blah, the list could go on forever if you wanna define a person in words.

15. Do you believe in something higher than humankind?
It's a nice thought, I won't deny such a possibility, you mean, like Aliens or a God? Hahaha.

16. Which fictional character do you see yourself most like?
Such a hard question...we got V, Tyler Durden, Brandon Heat, Death itself, probably a lot more, no way I could choose just one.

17. Would you give your whole heart in a relationship?
Once again, what kind of a relationship? Nothing is this simple whoever the fuck wrote this. I'd like to, but I'm no saint, so I'll do my best.

18. What is your favorite quote?
quotes.txt

19. What type of friends do you like?
I tend to click more with dark/fuckedup/intelligent sorta people. But of course, honest and trustworhy one's.

20. What are your all time favorite games?
Xenogears, Final Fantasy Tactics, Chrono Trigger, Call of Duty 4, Final Fantasy 6.

And my HOT DAMN picture under the cut;

)

Can you take away every single day that we have given to another false prophet? Can you give us all a reason not to fall before you take away another broken promise? Show your pretty face, hide the bitter taste, you're still the rapist of an entire nation. You wanna be the man, you gotta be a man, but you were nothing but a sad insinuation. How can we ever live this down? Keep your fingers crossed, the truth is at a lost, big decision for an ordinary coward. The only problem is; you're fucking rhetoric, we're more in danger than before you took power. Now it's just a game, god, you'll never change, you'd sell us out if you could only find a buyer. You don't give a shit as long as idiots are in your corner, you could set us all on fire. How can we ever live this down? You never wanted to be, they only wanted a parody, you want the world to be free, WHAT THE HELL IS FREE ABOUT IT!? Now we reached the end, just get it over with, but this is building to an adament conclusion. Come what ever may, there's gonna be a day when we have figured out a possible solution. Every thing you've done is killing everyone, a little smile on a homicidal bastard. You wanna be a man, you gotta have a plan, another failure is a guarenteed disaster. How can we ever live this down? You never wanted to be, they only wanted a parody, you want the world to be free, she only wanted the world. You never wanted to be, they only wanted a parody, you want the world to be free, WHAT THE FUCK IS FREE ABOUT IT!? WHAT THE FUCK IS FREE ABOUT IT!? WHAT THE FUCK IS FREE ABOUT IT!?

-Stone Sour/Come What(ever) May

Wake up in the morning like; "Yo, what the fuck we do?"

Mon, 21 Jan 2008 03:36:13 GMT

I want a girl, girl that won't talk back and a job, job that gives me slack and a car, car that won't break down in the heat of Los Angeles. Wanna go, go without a map far away, away, I won't get trapped by the sound, a town, the sun beats down in the heat of Los Angeles. One more holiday I will not celebrate, I'm almost desperate cuz I'm down, I'm down, I'm so beat down. This city's killing me, I want, I want, I want everything. This city's killing me in the heat of Los Angeles. I want a love, love that won't hit back, want sex, sex without a catch, want a face, to trust, to feel, to lust in the heat of Los Angeles. Wanna FUCK, FUCK, FUCK this up, gonna feel, feel, feel you up. Had enough, enough, enough's enough in the heat of Los Angeles. What has become of me? I want, I want, I want everything, this city's killing me. Come on, come on, it's alive and breathing, come on, come on, come alive today, come on, come on, it's a heartless beating; the sun is burning down Los Angeles...Los Angeles...Los Angeles. The sun is burning down.
-Sugarcult/Los Angeles

I can't think of anything else too much at the moment as to what's been going on since the last time I wrote...in fact, I need to re-read some to refresh my deadened concurrent memory.
As usual, work is work.
Although somethin' fun happened at work, I'm not to mention it! Any who;

Last night, I tried the drug known as X, or Ecstasy. Quite the experience at that. I popped one pill and Tianna did one as well, two slightly different types, I don't recall their names. During the week I picked it up from Chadd and gave 'em back his Vicodin that he forgot in my room from New Years. Tianna and I ate pretty big meals before hand, steak, so we popped the pill afterward and kept watching the anime CLAYMORE. Been watching a couple episodes here and there but really got into it...after a couple of episodes have gone by, I'm wondering where the fuck the high is at in this drug? Cuz I didn't feel shit and was disappointed, although I didn't know when it was supposed to kick in. After another episode or two, Tianna said she didn't feel normal...I stood up, I didn't feel normal either...like the beginning stage of some type of inebriation...the room looked cloudy, my body felt super super light, it was tricky to keep myself standing. Then everything just went up hill from there, Tianna grabbed at my belt like a whore that broke her leash to get out of hell and into heaven.

After sucking my cock, and me banging her in every position known to man, it's like I had no awareness or feeling of muscles or anything at all...I could keep going and going and it was sensational, for her as well, she pulled off some hard positions for long period of times that would normally kill after a little while but she was in shear ecstasy and couldn't get enough of it. Oh wait, it gets nastier than that, touch is just shivering constantly, you can keep moving like a crack head and it feels so fucking heavenly. We chugged down close to 5 glasses of iced water during the event. I fucked her in the ass, lube was used, quick water breaks, she even went ass to mouth which is disgusting to most people but it didn't even matter...nothing did, AND we kissed some afterward as well. Good god, these are not things I've ever done, or would ever do if I wasn't on another plain. But it all felt oh so good, such a connection from this tiny pill...she was so god damn wet. So after an hour and a half of fuckin' and all that nasty shit, we just laid around...I kept getting up from time to time and just moving my body around, stretching out, turned on some music, from laying on the ground, to doing pushups, to dancing with Tianna? The fuck? hahaha. I was blinking in and out of blackouts, but I knew I could control it enough to not black out, just felt good to close your eyes. Tianna claims her eye sight is extremely clear during her high, she didn't need to wear her glasses to see shit from afar...kinda freakish, probably has somethin' to do with how the drug affects the brain and the way our eyes dilate normally with lights and darkness, but thrown off. After laying around a bunch more and getting lost inside of my own head with touching things, or touching each other for some hours, finally took a shower which was another type of heaven in itself. We eventually went and got stoned as the X was calming down, which threw in a new stronger type of high...super mellow, super active and awake, but slowly paced down into a numbingly tired...and well people, I've seen heaven at the back of my eyelids when I finally went to sleep. I never expected X to be like that, but I enjoyed it thoroughly and that won't be the last time that I do it, for fuckin' sure... If you ever have the need to get away from this place and everything in it, try it with some friends, a partner, or whatever, it's a vacation in a roll. Doesn't mean I'll become a hardcore E-head now, perhaps, from time to time...or until I get a bad trip of some kind, I heard from others that there's supposed to be a bad crashing, or coming down from your rolling of being high, but I guess we didn't get that effect since we smoked weed afterward. I know we played Bomberman on Xbox Live for a while with some other dude for a few games...it was fucking hilarious and fun as shit. The day after, or today, I feel extremely tired and beat, like my body finally caught up with me, but wow.

That's another thing that's been going on, been playing on Xbox Live here and there for the first time, Halo 3 or Bomberman Live mostly, good stuff, fun stuff.

Here's a poem I wrote last week in the morning from a dream, and previous one's regarding someone, all in memory and adventure unwillingly dreams;

In(Idiom) Loving Memory

"I tell you this, because as a friend, I hope you'll understand."
I don't know why, I wonder why?
Sit and stew in this chair,
Trying to breathe in last nights sunny flare.
Liquid electrolytes pump like the mornings moon,
Thoughts twist and smile, happily content, condemning doom.
I just wonder why, can't help but wonder why--
Like passing time, from time to time, in my sleeping mind rain's a place to be; my physically blind but mental state of mind with omniscient dreaming eye's to see...my alternate reality that traps, and binds, fabricates and sings--I write, I write.
Now I'm alive and I don't wonder why.
Though we've only met once before,
I still remember everything like it was the day before.
And my time wasn't meant to be, but in my fakery built dreams, we dance, we smile, we adventure, we don't talk, we never talk, the ventures fine.
Maybe you'd say I was freakish and weird, stalkerish and crazy--haha, well maybe I am.
For I don't obsess, but randomly unwillingly reminisce,
So if your time comes before mine, well I'll be damned, and maybe you wouldn't believe me that I'd still travel to your graves side for one last ride.
I'll hang out with you even in death and ask you this;
Have you ever thought of me and wondered why?

Just finished up marathoning the remaining episodes of this Anime today(26 episodes), great anime, took some episodes for me to get sucked in by it, but it was a fun ride none the less.

James Patterson's "Double Cross"

Finished reading this book a month or so ago, shorter than most other books, but it was also a fun ride due to the characters that were in this book that was in others.

Friedrich Nietzsche's "Basic Writings Of Nietzsche"

The book I'm currently reading whenever it is that I feel like reading...I had started reading RANT by Chuck Palahniuk but put it on hold in favor for this.

Can you tell me what stopped the rain? Where is salvation, science, saviors, tragedy? May I lead the way into temptation? Sirens screaming just for me and the void remains. Would you save, would you save my life if you knew, if you knew why this is the last time I'm leaving without you in silence, in silence. Could you save, could you save my life had the boy that you knew not died? This is the last time I'm leaving without you, in silence, in silence. Can you tell me what stops pain? Self medication, science, saviors, tragedy? How deep must we cut to reach sensation? Find it, bring it back to me where the void remains. Walk with me, my one and only...find with me thee end, thee end of--walk with me my one and only, silence. Save my life in silence. If you knew, if you knew, would you save me? Can you tell me what stopped the rain? Can you tell me what stopped it? If you knew, would you save me?

-Blaqk Audio/Bitter For Sweet