Current mood:

drowsy

Man, life can be so empty

I haven't been on top of my grind lately, and by grind, I mean money making. Due to a bunch of circumstances happening with the program and my plain old of not being informed despite my efforts of making contact including other little mixed tidbits, for the most part, turned me off of the program. So I've been on a downer about that and haven't made any other moves, really. I mean, I'm still in the business, but I've just been on a break I suppose until I get my shit together, and this shit together to find out somethings. Besides that, that's just that. I still like to look at what normal jobs got to offer via whatever I'm emailed from your typical job based websites--and boy is it trash on the daily, it's disgusting. Although whenever I'm out, I find most jobs to be plain old disgusting--I really don't think that sorta 9-5ing is the life for me, like, let's skip the bullshit and just cut to my death scene already, that's how bad it is. Don't get me wrong, I'll gladly 9-5 on my own terms, hell, I'll fuckin' 9AM-3AM on my own shit. But, we'll see where and how this goes with the on coming months, thankfully I've had a nice amount saved up for months in advanced with bills and etc.

I feel so extraordinary, somethin's got a hold on me. I get this feeling I'm in motion, a sudden sense of liberty. I don't care cuz I'm not there, and I don't care if I'm here tomorrow. Again and again, I've taken too much of the things that cost you too much.
I used to think that the day would never come, I'd see delight in the shade of the morning sun. My morning sun is the drug that brings me near to the childhood I lost, replaced by fear. I used to think that the day would never come, that my life would depend on the morning sun.
When I was a very small boy, very small boys talked to me. Now that we've grown up together, they're afraid of what they see. That's the price that we all pay, our valued destiny comes to nothin'. I can't tell you where we're going, I guess there's just no way of knowing.
I feel so extraordinary, somethin's got a hold on me. I get this feeling I'm in motion, a sudden sense of liberty. The chances are we've gone too far, you took my time and you took my money Now I fear you've left me standing in a world that's so demanding.
-New Order/True Faith

Tianna finally traded her old Honda in for a newer Honda. Got a pretty good deal on it, but she's always settling. So we went half on half on it to give it a little flare by replacing the front and rear lights which makes it a bit more unique looking. This part will lead into another whole family spew of drama since this is exactly when it happened. Beforehand, I asked my dad if he wanted to install the lights and I'd do it with 'em and he said it'd be no problem, so we picked a date and that was that. I had long since prior knowledge that my mom wanted to move out and away from my dad for good, just didn't know when it was going to happen exactly--until that time was nearing, I was told a couple of weeks after that...I felt compelled to say somethin' to my dad cuz it's kinda fucked up. My mom's mentality was that she felt in fear for her life because of the shit my dad has been saying...crazy stuff, so she thought it was better to not tell him anything at all and just bounce on a certain day. I don't agree with that at all on any terms, it's fucked up. Despite all of that garbage, it ain't my fuckin' business, so whatever, I was just gonna ride it out. So the day comes when we were gonna do the lights and my sister calls me and tells me that my mom was doing the move TODAY, on that day. Needless to say, I was pissed, cuz I didn't wanna deal with any of the drama, I've seen it too much my whole life, it's all bullshit. So here I am once again contemplating on just telling my dad cuz the dude has his suspicions, but he's fuckin' clueless. I drive out to their place and my mom and her brothers are already moving her shit, and I'm like; "Fuck." so I sit out in the car for a while to see what's going on. I walk in and show my uncles some love and give my mom a glare of acknowledgment that I'm there. I figure the best thing I could do is just stick around my dad to make sure he doesn't flip out and kill somebody, so that's what I did in the kitchen, just hardly talk to him while he starts spilling out all sorts of crazy talk on me, some of which I agreed with, other shit just like, wow, get over it. But I guess that's what years of an off and on marriage will do to ya. My dad called the cops cuz he wanted a police report on file in case anything of his was missing, pretty childish of him in my opinion, I know my mom wouldn't touch any of his shit--he was just griping about family photos and what not. So one cop shows up finally to talk to my dad, this is when my mom comes into the kitchen to apologize to me cuz she didn't know I was going to be there that day--my dad did the same as well since he had no idea. 'Course since it's Waianae, with the high potential of shit breaking out, they don't just send one cop, so we got like 6 cop cars and a bunch of uniforms walking around the place/house and checking on everyone and talking to everyone--fuckin' pigs, I hate 'em. I asked my dad numerous times if he still wanted to work on the lights that day or at all because of all the bullshit, but he still insisted that we would do 'em, said it would help keep his mind off shit. So my mom's and uncles came and went a couple of times moving a bunch of shit while we worked on replacing the head/tail lamps on Tianna's new ride. We ran into some minor problems, but it wasn't nothin' we couldn't figure out and fix. Got done with everything after some hours, bought my dad some lunch and gave him some extra cash to try to help him with his now current dilemma although he was reluctant, but tough shit with no job, being bailed on by my mom and my mom's mom/her husband whom was also living with them who also bailed the day before to a new place WITH my mom/uncle and etc. So that was that, dunno what my dad plans to do, really, sucks.

As I fall deeper into a manic state, I'm a prime candidate for the gene to receive the drug addict trait. Blood pressure climbs at a dramatic rate, I seem to gravitate to the bottle of Nyquil, then I salivate. Start off with the NyQuil, like I think I'll just have a taste. Couple of sips of that, then I gradually graduate to a harder prescription drug called Valium, like yeah, that's great. I go to just take one and I end up like having eight, now I need something in my stomach cuz I haven't ate, maybe I'll grab a plate of nachos and I'll have a steak. And you'd think that with all I have at stake, look at my daughters face; "Mommy, something is wrong with dad I think, he's acting weird again, he's really beginning to scare me. Won't shave his beard again and he pretends he doesn't hear me, and all he does is eat Doritos and Cheetos and he just fell asleep in his car eating three musketeers in the rear seat."
Sometimes I feel so alone, I just don't know, feels like I been down this road before. So lonely and cold, it's like somethin' takes over me as soon as I go home and close the door. Kinda feels like deja vu, I wanna get away from this place, I do, but I can't and I won't say I try, but I know that's a lie cuz I don't, and why? I just don't know.
Maybe just a nice cold brew, what's a beer? That's the devil in my ear, I been sober a fuckin' year and that fucker still talks to me, he's all I can fuckin' hear; "Marshall, come on, we'll watch the game, it's the cowboys and buccaneers." And maybe if I just drink half, I'll be half buzzed for half of the time, who's the mastermind behind that little line? With that kinda rational, man, I got half a mind to have another half of glass of wine, sounds asinine, yeah I know. But I never had no problem with alcohol--ouch, look out for the wall, aim for the couch, about to fall, I missed the couch and down I go lookin' like a bouncing ball. Shit must've knocked me out cuz I ain't feel the ground at all. Wow, what the fuck happened last night, where am I? Man, fuck am I hungover, and goddamn I got a headache. Shit, half a Vicodin, why cant I? "All systems ready for take off, please stand by."
So I take a Vicodin splash, it hits my stomach and AHH, a couple of weeks go by, it ain't even like I'm gettin' high. Now I need it just not to feel sick, yeah, I'm gettin' by. Wouldn't even be taking this shit if DeShaun didn't die--oh yeah, there's an excuse, you lose Proof, so you use, there's new rules, it's cool if it's helping you to get through. It's twelve noon, ain't no harm in self inducing a snooze, what else is new, fuck it, what would Elvis do in your shoes? Now here I am 3 months later, full blown relapse; "Just get high until the kids get home from school holmes, relax." And since I'm convinced that I'm an insomniac, I need these pills to be able to sleep, so I take 3 naps just to be able to function throughout the day, let's see, that's an Ambien each nap, how many valium, 3? And that will average out to about one good hour's sleep, OK, so now you see the reason how come he has taken 4 years to just put out an album B. See, me and you, we almost had the same outcome, Heath. Cuz that Christmas, you know the whole pneumonia thing? It was bologna, was it the methadone ya think or the Hydrocodone you hide inside your porno's, your VCR tape cases with your Ambien, see are great places to hide 'em, ain't it? So you can lie to Hailey; "I'm goin' beddy-bye Whitney baby, goodnight Elaina!" Go in the room and shut the bedroom door and wake up in an ambulance, they said they found me on the bathroom floor, damn.

-Eminem/Deja Vu

My mom threw a little house food eating gathering type of thing of which we attended cuz lord knows I love my mama's cookin', and so does Tianna. So we did that, my uncles were there of course, so was my twin sister and her family and etc. I recall kids bombarding me like a pack of ants. The new place they moved to is pretty ghetto, got crackheads right next door always bickering about stupid shit, buncha folk chillin' out on the street and shit, ahh, home sweet home.

I recall another BBQ like gathering like this before all of this for Vincent's birthday, or what he calls his one year of being dead (haha) since his incident when some faggots beat him into a coma and nearly killed his ass. I had no idea he lost his sense of smell completely until we were checking out the ham, and I was like; damn that shit smells good and he said to shut up cuz he couldn't smell, what the fuck? So I told 'em, from what you can see, take my word for it, it smells fuckin' delicious. Good food, good times.

I recall going to the beach on the north side towards the end of the island with Tianna, a beach I wrote about in a previous entry. It's pretty nice out there with the planes flying over head and shit, super windy and cold though, oh well. I also recall making an attempt to hike up the mountain purely for the exercise of it, which we didn't even get all the way to the top, kinda burnt out about 80% of the way. I recall going to the theater and actually paying to see movies, it's amazing, I didn't think paying for movies still existed, haha. Star Trek was fucking badass, no doubt. Terminator was pretty good in my opinion, but I'm a fan of it and Christian Bale, so probably bias. Here's my middle finger shadow puppet before the flick started since stoned and bored;


Now the funeral is over and all the tears are dried up, niggas hangin' deep on the cut gettin' fired up. Lookin' for the nigga who pulled his pistol on my homie, an eye for an eye, so now your life is what you owe me. Look deep into the eyes of your mothafuckin' killer, I want you to witness your mothafuckin murder, nigga. And since you wants to kill, then your ass has got to fry, but ain't no police, therefore, your ass has gots to die. We play the game for keeps and if you slept, I guess you sleep, you sho'nuff fucked and now your ass is six feet deep. Cuz where I come from, yo, everybody's got a gat and niggas try your ass just to see where you got your heart at. And if your shit is flimsy, then your ass is gonna bend, and like I said before, there'll be no tears in the end. I'm rollin' through your hood, now my heart is filled with anger, you at your sister's house and now your sister's life in danger by a total stranger with the gang, niggas wanna bang ya and hang ya, sting ya with one up in the chamber. Let's take a trip up Holloway, so you can see how many niggas in my hood is down to die today. We standin' up for our own shit and if you outside the click, then you die bitch. It ain't no love in this mothafucka, it ain't no love for yourself or your other brother, because we real with this shit, so we stay true, and since we bang, we do what O.G's say do. I've got the mind of the man in the mirror, so I'm lookin' at me vaguely, but I can't seem to fade me. I've got my pistol pointed cocked, ready to lay shots non-stop until I see your monkey ass drop, and let your homies know who done it, cuz when it comes to this gangsta shit, you mothafuckas know who run it. So when you put this mothafucka to the test, you gotta realize somethin', nigga; You fuckin' with the very best. I've got this killer up inside of me, I can't talk to my mother, so I talk to my diary. I'm going off on the deep end, I find myself face to face with myself while I'm sleepin'. I see your picture in my head and my hand shake, you can run, you can hide, but there's no escape. My inner feelings show no mercy on my enemy, I got to get this mothafucka before he gets to me. So in your own blood, you'll bathe, and I won't stop until I put this mothafucka in his fuckin' grave. And I can say this once again, you can cry, but you'll still die, there'll be no tears in the end.
-Scarface/No Tears

Some weeks ago, Wil randomly IMed me and asked if I wanted to take in his 50 inch rear projection Sony Grand Wega TV cuz he was going to get a newer one. Was I supposed to say no or something? Haha, made plans to pick it up the next day. The TV had image burning, meaning images would stay on screen faded lightly for a bit depending on menu you to menu, it also had a green yellowish shading over the whole screen. While doing some research while showing the TV to my dad, I found out that the TV was under some sorta class action lawsuit that had already been won for the same exact symptoms. Sony was liable to replace and or repair all of those particular model TV's, and I just lucked out cuz that was the last month to do it. I got in contact with the local certified repair guys down here and had it done pretty quickly. I still hadn't decided what I was going to do with this monstrosity of a TV. Didn't have anywhere to put it, and I could use the money, so I thought I'd try putting it up for sale on Craigslist. Not much luck there though, so I ended up selling it to my moms/that whole family whom lives there for a cheap price, and later delivered it on over to them.
Also, one random day while talking to Wil, we made plans to drive all the fucking way out to Waianae from down town Ala Moana (An hour+ drive for non Hawaii folk) just to eat at a local place in the old hood since Wil hasn't eaten there in fuckin' years. It was pretty orgasmic for 'em, he was like; Man oh man, this is what I've been missing, not a fucking thing has changed, you can't get food like this anywhere else." Shit was straight hilarious. Good times though, just chit chatting and eating.

Finally had another inked day on top of that. Basically, some months ago I had made a plan to get my tattoo artist and friend, Doug, his very own website since he didn't have one and didn't know how to go about it at all, and from what I found out, something he hadn't had planned to do until like 2010 sometime. I was gonna have someone else work on it, friend Angela, which she was doing so but lost everything due to an HD failure, in which I took it into my own hands. But, a lot of time had still passed from setting up a basic template of what Doug wanted, so I kinda forgot a lot of the shit I did and a lot of the code and etc which I had to re-learn once we finally made plans to get shit poppin'. So some days ago, Doug came over to my place with his portfolio and marked off all of the images that he wanted to use for his site, from gallery to everything else, and we went over how he wanted shit to be and what I could do or try to do and etc. After that, for about 12 hours straight, I worked on it. Little errors popping up here and there and fixing shit and etc. I've never made a full website before, so this was my first. After another 6 hours of working out all the kinks with the pictures and gallery and what not, I had most of it down and the way Doug loved it. It's pretty basic and simple, but hey, that's the point. Thanks to Tianna for helping me do some of the physical work, Angela for helping me fix up some of the code, and Amy for hosting my shit.

http://www.dougtat2.com

So because of that, Doug wanted to give me an inking session, the one he was pondering on doing, my knuckle tats, since I was originally remembered and known to him as knuckles tom, welp, it was finally gonna happen. It was pretty sudden, too. Tianna was also setting something up to get her a kanji piece done, and Doug returned a couple of days later to pick up his portfolio and was like; You and Tianna, just come in on this day at this time and I'll take care of you both, no problem. So pretty dope shit, got ink in trade of some work. The day came yesterday, Sunday, some weird shit happened. I hadn't eaten much at all that day much less drink much, or slept well, and it was fucking hot out. Tianna went under the needle first and handled it no problem. When it was my turn, I sat in the seat and he started doing line work on the L on my finger, he was just about done when I was feeling super nauseated like I was about to throw up. I was trying to control it, but then my vision started fading black, my breathing hardened, I couldn't control it, I told Doug; Yo man, can you stop for a second dude. I thought I was going to vomit, instead, I fucking blacked out. Yeah, my vision just went black as far as I can remember, just black, like I instantly fell into a dream state. I came to seconds to minutes later with Tianna and Doug trying to wake me up, and putting candy in my mouth and giving me water to drink. Tianna got pretty freaked out cuz she had no idea what was happening and it caught her off guard--she thought I was having a seizure because my eye's rolled back and I was twitching and my body was shaking and shit, I don't recall any of this of course. Doug was pretty calm because he said this type of shit happens to some people when your body is trying to deal with the pain and the adrenaline rush, like a type of shock and of course my not eating or drinking much and the whole sleep thing probably played a nice role in it. It was a pretty freaky experience for me since I've never had such a thing happen before. I felt super fucking exhausted and dizzy after that and just laid down in one of the chairs and rested for a bit. I was sweating like a motherfucker on top of that. So we just chit chatted, Tianna, Doug, and the other dude who works there, Chad and I. After about 20 minutes of resting and stretching out and shit, I told 'em to continue man, let's get this show on the road. Funny thing is, is it wasn't even the pain for me--the pain I can take, it stung like fuck on certain parts, but I can take it. Anyway, we had planned to do the line work on one hand and see if I wanted to continue, in which we ended up finishing the whole thing. Finger tats require touch up's, so I may be back in to do that in a few weeks. Went to sleep early last night, woke up a few hours later in the dark AM, been up since.
Tianna's Ink:

My Ink:


I lost a lot of my contacts/phone numbers from my phone. If you think I should have your number for whatever reasons, then get at me privately on here or anywhere else. I was installing windows mobile media 6.1 to back up and sync my contacts with outlook, instead, it thought it was a good idea to erase everything. I did some research on this, and I'm not the only one--why would they add in such an option without a single fucking warning? Shit like that requires at least 2 major on screen warnings, but with this garbage, not one fucking warning, retards. So because of that, I thought it was time to give my phone a test and go upgrade to windows mobile 6.5, and a tweaked and hacked out rom firmware for my phone. Everything went pretty smoothly, it's dope shit, here's a GIF I made with my custom menu's and icons that I'm proud of, but I've since added another menu and made newer better icons for some of the tabs, but here's the previous anyway;




Yo, follow me, come with me to the dark side of the force. No man would boldly go to this place, the devil only knows of this world. So dark and oh so cold, it's oh so cold, oh so cold, oh.

Soon as my flow starts, I compose art like the ghost of Mozart. Even though they all say that they're real, I know that most aren't. Boy, you think you're clever, don't ya, girl, ya think you're so smart. Come with me to another side in a world so cold and so dark.

Stay wide awake, a world so cold, a world where only some will go, but none return, stay wide awake, when will they learn where do they go? God only knows, stay wide awake.

Fe fi fo fum, I think I smell the scent of a placenta, I enter central park, it's dark, it's winter in December. I see my target, put my car in park and approach a tender young girl by the name of Brenda, and I pretend to befriend her. Sit down beside her like a spider;
"Hi there girl, you might've heard of me before, see whore, you're the kind of girl that I'd assault and rape, and figure why not try to make your pussy wider? Fuck you with an umbrella, then open it up while the shit's inside ya. I'm the kind of guy that's mild, but I might flip and get a little bit wilder--impregnate a lesbian, yeah, now let's see ya have triplets and I'll disintegrate them babies as soon as they out her with formaldehyde in cyanide. Girl, you can try and hide, you can try to scream louder. No need for no gun powder, that only takes the fun outta murderin', I'd rather go VIN-VIN and now you see just how the fuck I do just what I do when I cut right through your scalp--Uhh, shit, wait a minute, I mean skull, my knife seems dull, pull another one out, uhh."

So dark and so cold, my friends don't know this other side of me, there's a monster inside of me, it's quite ugly, and it frightens me. But they can't see what I can see, there's a vacancy in my tummy, it's making me play hide-n-seek, like Jason, I'm so hungry. She's naked, see, no privacy, but I can see she wants me. So patiently, I try to be, but jee, why does she taunt me? Pull's the drapes, and she goes right to sleep and I creep right through the front, see, so blatantly, but silently, cuz I know that she's sound asleep. "Who's waking me so violently and why's he on top of me? He's raping me." She tries to scream; "Somebody, please get him off me. He's taping me, he's biting me, he's laughing like it's funny."
"She's scraping me, she's fighting me, she's scratching like some dumb freak." Escaping me, no dice, you see, I might just be Ted Bundy or Satan, jee, what a sight to see, I'm dancing in my red panties. I'm crazy, but it's alright with me, man, life can be so empty. Stay away from me cuz I'm dancing to quite a different drum beat.

But I tried to stay wide awake cuz you might end up found dead by the lake. Soon as you lay me down to sleep, bitch, your soul, I'ma try to take, pray for light today right away, why do they try to fight today? I must make them pay twice as much, might as well put the knife away. Now I use power tools, how 'bout now, are you in the shower? Scour you for 6 hours till outage of power outlets. How did ya figure out I was down in your basement, now ya must've just heard the sound of my stomach growlin' from down there. Prolly there's no one fouler, bound here, that's how they found ya, face down in the tub, I drown ya with piles of ya down around ya. Such nostalgia and power, such prowess, look how you cower, jump out on you now like I was a Jawa from fuckin' Star Wars. Jabba The Hut, be de ba ba be de ba ba, it's time to da-da, oughta not even bother to scream, it don't even matter. Amazing when raising skin with these razor blades he waves at ya, not ya everyday Damien, bathe me in holy water. Nothing like Son Of Sam, so please understand, there's no gun in hand--where's the thrill in the hunt? There's no fun in that, here I come with axe, once I act like lumberjack when I'm hackin' 'em up with that--what was that? Dial 911, someone's comin' in from the back.

-Eminem/Stay Wide Awake