Current mood:	MildlySickMildlyTired
Current music:	HZ&JNH

Now I see the funny side, now I'm always smiling

Another month, another post. Here I am again, I live to type-write another day, or night. First and foremost, still no job. I guess I haven't been trying hard enough, well, hard enough in the sense of trying to apply myself at mcdonald's and the rest of the similar jobs, since there doesn't seem to be much in the particular fields that I'm interested in that aren't over qualified with wanting to know what your shit tastes like per serving.
So, as my saved money is dwindling, I can't really afford to pay rent anymore unless something comes up. So, I've now a firm decision to stay here or move back on home with my dysfunctional parents who'd not mind at all until I got back on my feet. Having spoken with Tianna's mom, she said she'd rather me stay here instead of going back out to that city since there's nothing out there, and just keep a tab of what to pay back. Cool and all, but I don't like the feeling at all. There was even some brief drama with Tianna's dad, he was basically trying to pull some strings with some people he knows to get me a job, once again, cool and all, but in lieu of a conversation that he had with Tianna while I was driving, he got extremely pissy and questionable cuz his original plans didn't go the way he said it would. I was supposed to receive a call on a particular day which never happened, so he made it happen the next day while we were heading out to a beach gathering that I'll talk about later. Well the problem with that is, my phone wouldn't catch reception out there, she was trying to tell him this and why wasn't the call made as planned and he started bitching her out about his reputation cuz I don't seem interested cuz I wanted more details and blah blah blah, whilst my sitting there and I can hear all of this crap. So that twisted my stomach, I told Tianna fuck it, it's off, I don't want his 'threatening' help. He was saying some shit that, what if Tianna's mom gave me an ultimatum to find a job or take this job or get out(Also good to note, Tianna's mom and dad have been separated for a while, he lives in California with his new younger foreign wife.) He was talking in a threatening manner as if he still had pull, and that's the way it was going to be and he'd convince his ex-wife to do so. So when they got done, I repeated again, if his contact calls me, I ain't answering it cuz I don't want his fucking 'help'.
Tianna tells me later that he called her mom and pretty much told her what I should be doing cuz I'm a grown man, that I should be manning up and stepping up to the plate in bending over to anyone for a cheap buck, yeah, real easy for him to say when he just easily enlisted himself into the military and had a set disciplined path paved all nicely for him. Going on with if Tianna wants to 'be' with a person(loser) like me etc. Tianna's mom is strict in thinking in her own ways too, and the way I hear it, she used to be the major cunt one(probably due to her long time marriage failure), but has changed since and is a lot nicer...but she's still strict in her ways, she questioned me as well as to why I didn't care to get a license, cuz she thinks I should cuz I'm 25. I pretty much told her; Uhh, I know people older than me that don't have their license, does that make them less of a man? Drivers license qualifies you as being a man? I think it's pretty silly, I know she's just being helpful and I'm just being stubborn cuz I see no point in owning a license if I don't own a car, regardless that I do drive a lot, I'm just bitter at the stupid fucking system and the shear idiocy behind it, fucking judging bar code bullshit. Any who, whatever, I said I'd make better effort to get one cuz I should just 'get over it' to supposedly open more job doors whom require it for I don't know what kinda reasons, parking/getting there on time to work for the corporations railroad making service.

I believe I can see the future, cuz I repeat the same routine. I think I used to have a purpose, then again, that might have been a dream. I think I used to have a voice, now I never make a sound. I just do what I’ve been told, I really don’t want them to come around, oh, no. Every day is exactly the same, every day is exactly the same. There is no love here and there is no pain, every day is exactly the same. I can feel their eyes are watching in case I lose myself again. Sometimes I think I’m happy here, sometimes, yeah, I still pretend. I can’t remember how this got started, but I can tell you exactly how it will end. I’m writing on a little piece of paper, I’m hoping someday you might find. Well, I’ll hide it behind something they won’t look behind. I am still inside here, a little bit comes bleeding through, I wish this could have been any other way, but I just don’t know, I don’t know, what else I can do. Every day is exactly the same, every day is exactly the same. There is no love here and there is no pain, every day, exactly the same, there is no love, there's nothing, every day is the same.
-Nine Inch Nails/Every Day Is Exactly The Same

Then there's me, it's not like I don't know, I am a grown man now, I'm 25 fucking years old, living with some girl whom I'm not in a per say 'normal' relationship with, and her mom. I've been paying rent since forever, I never fuck around with that shit or any of my bills for that matter. I had to put off on my awesome college school loan with a deferment to help save whatever I had saved. At the time I had lost my job, I had received the sweet Alienware laptop(worst customer service ever by the way, went through hell and back just to get a refund on a keyboard replacement swap), so that became one of my last bills from a credit card that I'm still paying, but since I selected such an awesome CC with low ass APR rates, it's not that big of a deal on payments. Those're my only real bills, it isn't much, well, the school one is huge, but hey. Not to mention, I owe Tianna like 4,000. for pulling me out of my 'mistake' credit card debt with bank of nazi america, man, they sure know how to lure you in young to rape you in the ass. But, I had a steady plan back then with that, which is what afforded me a car...that got stolen and left me in debt, so, yeah, love life. Paying at those APR rates, it would've taken 36 some years to pay it off at my payments. I'm glad for what she did, but it pisses me off that I can't be paying her back as planned due to losing my job...although of course she swears it's all OKAY and blah fucking blah pay me back later. My hate for this system has grown so vastly, this stupid fucking monetary system of pillage someone else to further gain for myself. That's truly the way it is, someone has to be the one to get shit on, why should I play in such a dirty system? I ponder this to myself often and question if I want to even play mostly by these rules anymore or not, constantly, do I want to cross MORE over that risky line for the sakes of money? Everyone's a god damn slave to money, the hands behind the root of all evil, and the brain is the selected monopoly control freak individuals, humans--it's sickening, I can't be the only one who see's and knows this? Is everyone A-OK with this crap?
But I'm still here, do I sit and stare, and continue to try? Do I bite the bullet and blow my fucking brains out? Do I become this worlds dark knight instead? I want to keep trying, but I'm not being left with many options here, so I really don't know.
I've really no ambition for anything in life but to have a good time until I die in whichever way that is. I really don't give a fuck if I'm classified as a "loser" or "bum" by anyone, simply cuz I'm not playing ball in their courts of what they and the rest of the world think is right. I can't stand most of these fascist slavery jobs and their slavery pay for 'obedient robots' even though I'll keep trying anyway. I do know I've not enjoyed most of my life, save the past years that have gone by, on the MORE scale that is. It's not like Tianna, or anyone else for that matter, wasn't aware of this, hence my saying; Why not lose that hero and come with this zero?
What is enough to you, people? When is having enough, enough?

So, that's what I've been dealing with in my head lately, daily, nightly, hourly, always. Besides that and my weird sleeping patterns, things have been great.
Oh, and now what's become higher up on my priority list after them bills, somehow shelling out a few more grand to by an assault rifle before that idiot obama strikes his wrath on innocent people with his gun control laws--criminals don't get their guns legally, nor are they robbing individuals with AR's and AK's, or is highly unlikely. So why should I be able to own one? Cuz it's not absolutely devastating like a nuke, but if soldiers can have 'em, I should be able to have 'em, for sport or collecting, or any possibility, say criminals whom do have them, I'd want to be able to defend myself on the same caliber, much more the gov's.

Now where to start with the great and good times. I guess I'll start out with Dani, a friend of Tianna's. Tianna has made a new friend and they seem to get along very well and it's a great thing since she, and her new found friend, aren't very friendly-making with most people, AKA socially awkward that they are, or just damning with majority of idiots out there, since I can relate and agree to that myself. The funny or weird thing is, is that I've talked to this girl a long time ago, three years ago, online, so we kinda had a feel/knew each other. So it wasn't long until Tianna hung out with her and she was hanging out with me as well, and we'd just drive around at first, and then just sit around in awkward silences or chatty-chattyness, or music. She's a strange girl in her ways, but aren't we all, so it's really no big deal, she's cool. We've all hung out twice or was it thrice? I can't even recall. But I remember the last hang out vividly, simply cuz we took her marijuana virginity! She was hesitant at first but didn't seem to give a fuck later...and kept saying she couldn't feel anything and kept wondering if she were high or not and then...she started laughing to herself for no reason, and that went on for quite some time, yep, you must've talked to God. It appears she enjoyed the experience, not to mention the sleep since she sleeps like shit. Oh, and I have to note that she wore a really hooker-like hot outfit that made me want to slip roofies into her drink, but yeah, haha. But, Tianna and her are closet dykes, so fuck them both, stupid bitches.

What else, I recall some night where I just felt I had to get out of the house, it was at some late night hour on a week day. Tianna was if not but almost passed out and I asked her if she wanted to go to a ride, destination; no where. I basically just drove around half the island, the half that I don't know so well but didn't care, and sorta got remotely lost but that was the point, I didn't care if I got lost, and just drove around. It was a long fucking drive, but it was grand at the time just to get out for some reason. I recall stopping on the side of the road near a cliff of a look out and taking a piss in the wind, stupid video a pictures being shot which I may upload, eating at zippys for breakfast at 4am or whatever.

I don't think I did anything on Halloween, or I can't recall anything at the moment...or was that one of the nights we hung out with Dani? I think it was. Randomly one night, it rained really hard, hard enough to hear it inside of my cave...I love hard rain, so I went out in it at exactly midnight, and enjoyed it thoroughly although it was freezing. Tianna followed suit too, stupid girl. But I stood in the heavy drench for a while, went for a little walk etc, really enjoyed myself.




Some days later, my family was having a scheduled BBQ for my sister whom was visiting from California, Jeanne, and it was supposed to be a party for my uncle Jason's kid, but they ended up calling off on their end cuz their kids got sick. We stayed at the beach for hours and hours, probably cuz it was cloudy and the sun wasn't out, not to mention there was waves too. My cousin Alfredo came out as well, but that bitch ass didn't get into the water at all, I don't even know why he came, while my other cousin Vincent begged him all day to go diving with him, haha. My sisters were all there eventually minus the youngest whom recently moved to California, my other uncle, even my dad managed to show up way later. Vincent smoked us out beforehand, so it was fucking grand being in the waves like that, probably why we didn't notice the time fly. It's rare to see my dad in the ocean, let alone my sisters boyfriend, which both happened on this day. Can never argue with the food of course, great ghetto shit. My sisters kids terrorized me in this little pond thing, Jayden repeatedly insisted on drowning me by smothering my head into the water/sand, and used me as a jumping board. After the long day, I was beat. That night we hung out with Dani again, which was the time we all smoked out I believe, crazy shit, I was beat the next day and the next. Soon after that, I got sick with the same shit that I was just sick with weeks ago, ugh, but it wasn't as bad since I caught it early with meds. I'm still sick as I'm typing this, but it's going away and getting better, annoying sinus and throat bullshit, must've been those cold days with the beach and the rain or someone else who was sick. That's another thing with my sleeping schedule, it's been all over the fucking place, I hardly even sleep from time to time, but since I've been sick, I slept some days for 4 hours, others for 6, and one day, it was 12 hours--that's a fuckin' life time record for me, I've never slept that long.

So let's face it, this was never what you wanted, but I know it's fun to pretend. Now blank stares and empty threats are all I have, they’re all I have. So drown me if you can or we could just have conversation. And I fall, I fall, I falter, but I found you before I drift away. Now you still speak of day old hate, though your whole world has gone up into flames. And isn't it great to find that you're really worth nothing and how safe it is to feel safe? The things we do just to stay alive, the things we do just to stay alive, the things we do just to keep ourselves alive.
-Dallas Green/Day Old Hate

I was planning to pick hang out dates with Chloe and Chadd for some days last week for if and when they were available, but went against it since I got sick, but I later found out that Chadd got sick himself anyway, fucking everyone's sick, god damn you government, stop releasing viruses into the system to bank more money on meds/insurance! Haha. I was also supposed to hang out with another friend, whom I've talked about before on here, Ashlynn, during that same week which would have been a shitty idea since the very day we had picked to kick it, that very night is when my sickness came on in. We ended up canceling cuz we both wanted to have weed to make the hang out more fun with doing whatever it is we'd be doing. So that worked out just well, but may really happen again some time soon since both issues have been or are being covered. She basically contacted me randomly saying we should kick it before her latest drug, World of Warcraft, Wrath of The Lich King was released, and I had met her at her job to talk story with her while I pretended to ask for 'assistance' as we browsed through shit and talked about unrelated shit and had made plans. Here's that creepy un-aware camera shot that Tom loves doing to people;


I recall some day where I picked up my lil cousin Chucky, or Chucky-boy, and brought 'em over to my place to enjoy the video games and the big screen TV. Talk about spoiled that kid was for the hours he was here, and experiencing online gaming with headsets and grand theft auto for the first time, kid had a fucking blast, he was even making friends with other nerdy kids on there, doing random shit. I feel bad for 'em since he moved in with other family members who are highly religious and don't believe in video games or some whack ass shit like that, god damn control freaks. How do you do that to a hardcore gamer? Insane, ya wonder why the kids got issues.

I recall a sex act with Tianna that was never really done in that way, it's not cuz I haven't thought of it cuz I've done it before with others, but randomly I was watching some porn, feeling a bit horny, and I told Tianna to straddle my face. I didn't like always telling her what to do or to try new things or yada yada simply cuz it was boring for me to lead everything since she's not aware or doesn't watch porn the way I do. So, it just kinda happened randomly, I had her straddle and grind my face, use my mouth as a masturbater, practically. I told her to masturbate, and use my mouth to make herself cum, which I think she was having a hard time doing cuz that's just how she is, but eventually pulled it off and left my face in juices. Now I'll admit it now, I'm not the man who eats pussy like it's ice cream or anything, I mean I don't mind doing it, but I have my times.

Oh, Tianna got her Christmas present 'early' from her mom and decided to get a new phone, the newly released HTC Touch Pro phone from Sprint. But oh wait, her birthday present wasn't in an equal amount to the pitched dollar, so she decided to get two of them, one of them is for me.

I wrote a mini review of sorts on it with more pictures which can be found at http://systom.org or http://systom.org/?p=294
She basically had this done early because I keep up with the latest hoopla on tips and tricks and what not and found out it was possible to duplicate an account with the exact same price and services, but under my account. So after some research and my own skills, I gave it a shot and went to work and was able to pull it off when supposedly it's not supposed to be doable anymore, but I was pretty pleased to have pulled that off cuz it's the best plan and services there is out there, nothing else can really compare. I was weary if these plans were even going to be possible to put on these new phones since Sprint fucked out these type of accounts on one of their new phone's, the Samsung Instinct. But everything worked out swell for the most part, sprint fucked up on using a slow ass shipping method instead of a fast UPS/fedex one, in which I heavily bitched over and they wouldn't do anything about. Later on, I found out that they made some sort of mistake on my account and for some reason I have a nearly 1,000. credit on my account...I verified this in all ways, and I plan to let it sit out of course cuz that'll pay both of ours bills for more than a year if they don't fix it, greatness. 'Course Tom with electronics, I sought ways to tweak and hack it to my liking and have found some nifty things, and nifty programs at that, my little obsession for a short time. It's probably the best phone I've owned to date, dope shit, and Tianna loves her's as well, since she's always settled for second or third best in anything.

For her 21st, she's going to vegas and is dragging me along with her, haha, that'll happen next year in march probably.

Games, a shit ton of new video games came out, of which I knew I wasn't gonna be able to get. So I decided to pirate a bunch of them cuz they're duplicated and played just as well on my Alienware versus the game console, minus one game; Call of Duty: World At War, it seems Tianna had a trick up her sleeve to buy me the game since she knows how much I love me some Call of Duty. I'll start with that game first, it's back to WW2 type of shit which is a turn off in my opinion cuz it's heavily out done already, but what can I say, this game has pulled it off better than anything else I've played, WW2 related that is. So it's no Call of Duty 4: Modern Warfare, but it's still fun nonetheless since it plays on COD4's same system. So I've been playing that more over COD4 since it's hot and new. I finally got more into the PC game Crysis, which started to run horribly on my system at certain stages, which is why I kinda stopped along with one of the stages I was on which was terribly annoying. For some reason, the douchebags at Alienware have no updates for my GPU since like 2007, so I did some heavy research and found out that it was possible to run FORCED/modified hack to the GPU to make it update to the latest NVIDIA released shit. I, of course, made sure everything was as safe as could be, but always with some risk, and tried it on out, and it worked fine and I was able to patch my GPU to a much better released forceware, which made the game and other games run way way better on my system. Since that helped fix up Crysis, I finished Crysis, I've gotta say that is one of the most Epic single player games I have ever played as far as action/1st person shooters go, fucking brilliant. Besides those, I copped Farcry 2, Dead Space, Gears of War 1, Fallout 3, and I've put little to no game play in any of those just yet thanks to World At War. Microsoft also released their new avatar system for Xbox Live, here's my shit;


Politics, my my my, I don't even wanna go there with you fucking idiots out there who voted and is praising Obama like he was the second coming just cuz he knows how to talk or the CHANGE(the color of his skin) that he kept talking about which means not a fucking thing cuz anyone with a BRAIN see's him as just a man, and a man more than capable of following practically the same policies as bush did, practically on a lot of the same shit that he is in agreement with McCain over--it was a lose/lose voting situation in my opinion...besides, history has taught us one thing, and it's that it's a failed system, so why vote at all? Let's make real change and not vote at all. Sadly, the only politician I ever liked was Ron Paul, and they buried his ass a while back, way to go Americans. For those who want to use the dumbass line of; OH IF YOU DIDN'T VOTE YOU DON'T HAVE THE RIGHT TO COMPLAIN, well you got it all wrong, take it from my main dead man, George Carlin, another man with a brain that makes more sense than any God I've ever read of;



Welcome to Hollywood girl, wake the fuck up in Hollywood whore. Combine the throbbing in my head with the rhythm of my fucking feet. Said a novena for all those lost and READ THE BLOODSTAINS ON THE SHEETS! I've whored myself for less than this and I've prayed to appear fed as I knelt on my pillow, God, I CLENCHED MY FUCKING FISTS AND BANGED MY HEAD! Who could ever, who the fuck could ever take the place of me? Undone. Who could ever, who the fuck could ever take the place of me? Right here. I kiss up to God, my fists, and I pray to keep my head, though I like your pretty eyes better BLACKENED AND MY FISTS ALL FUCKING RED! NOW THROUGH SICKNESS AND IN HEALTH, I'VE KISSED UP TO GOD, THESE TWO YEARS, I'VE FOCUSED ON THE CAMEOS MADE BY THE TIGER IN THE VALLEY OF THE FUCKING LOCUST! Say, who could ever, say, who the fuck could ever even fake the place of me? WIPE FROM YOUR MOUTH, GET UP OFF YOUR KNEES AND MAKE ME YOUR GOD, WHO COULD EVER, WHO THE FUCK COULD EVER? SEXUAL DEBAUCHERY YOU FUCKING CUNT, YOU FUCKING WHORE, YOU COST WHAT YOU'RE WORTH FOLLOWED BY A BOY LIKE THIS, RE-IGNITED BY ALL YOUR VISITS! AS LONG AS YOUR MOUTH IS SHUT, YOU'LL STILL BE FUCKING BEAUTIFUL!
Pack your shit and leave, I don't need to know, and take my memories of her with you. And take her fucking with you.
-Glassjaw/Motel Of The White Locust